The Science of Bravery

Can we cultivate courage?

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Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

Bravery is celebrated in stories and history. From heroes who stood up to evil, to the resilience of those with tremendous adversity, we are sending messages to our kids on the value of being brave. Thinking a lot about my episode this week with Kelly Corrigan, I wanted to explore the science and practice of the kind of “kitchen table” bravery we discussed on the episode. 

Bravery is a complex trait that is influenced by biological, psychological, and social factors. As with so many of the traits we have discussed before, at its core, bravery is closely connected to the brain's response to fear. The body's biological response to fear lives in the amygdala - that small region in the brain that controls our fight, flight or freeze response to danger. When the amygdala senses a threat (whether it is real or imagined), it releases adrenaline, cortisol, and other stress hormones to signal to the body that danger is nearby. This very sensitive wiring is brilliantly designed to save us from the saber tooth tiger that may be trying to eat us, but is also often overly-active when it comes to everyday risks and challenges. When we talk about bravery, we are referring to the role of the prefrontal cortex, responsible for higher-order thinking and decision-making. Once it comes online, the prefrontal cortex plays the role of modulating the amygdala's response, allowing us to better assess threats, make rational decisions, and choose thoughtfully courageous actions despite the fear we feel. Bravery is not the absence of fear, but the courage to act with intention amidst fear.

Interestingly, bravery is highly linked with resilience. Why? It may be that resilience requires persevering in the face of adversity, showing optimism, and seeing options where others see barriers. These same qualities make it easier for one to access courage in a time of stress - to act with logic, and to problem solve quickly and nimbly.

Just like resilience, courage requires an environment in which risk-taking and mistakes are viewed as opportunities grow. This is closely related to parenting style, and a parent’s support of, or aversion to, autonomy support. In a nurturing environment, with autonomy-supportive parenting, children can find rewards to being brave. Similarly, a punitive environment, with fear-based parenting practices, can diminish a child’s brave inclinations and make it nearly impossible for them to grow their capacity to practice decision-making and problem-solving skills independently.

Finally, research shows that neurotransmitters - like dopamine and serotonin - are also linked to bravery. Dopamine, associated with reward and motivation, can drive individuals to take calculated risks and pursue goals despite feeling fear. This is closely connected with adolescent risk-taking, as I wrote about here and here. Serotonin, related to mood regulation, can also impact a child’s perception of danger.

So what are parents to do to support thoughtful, everyday bravery?

Define bravery. 

A first step is to understand that bravery does not look the same for every child. Depending on their temperament, bravery may involve a small act of advocating for themselves  - like raising their hand in class or confronting a friend after an argument. For those children, their temperament may not support big acts of bravery that traditionally get a lot of attention. Though our society may unfairly value one temperament type over another, it just isn’t true that we all need to be extroverts who are comfortable displaying courage on a daily basis. It’s important for us to face our own judgments on our child’s temperament before we begin to think of how to model bravery, so that we can be sure we are parenting the child we have in front of us, and not the one we wish we had.

Redefine mistakes and failures.

In order for our children to feel safe acting with courage, we have to make sure that mistakes and failures are an anticipated part of the journey. Mistakes, while painful, are important for our children to experience in the safety of our close relationship. From mistakes and setbacks, our children learn that they can survive and persevere through challenges - both essential ingredients in courage. Without much context or life experience, children are prone to thinking that the stakes for making a mistake, or failing, are much higher than they actually are. A parent's role in making sure that there is a culture of recovery and learning is a particularly important way to create an environment to support bravery.

Encourage appropriate risk-taking.

At every age, and for every temperament, there are appropriate risks. As mentioned above, these may seem “small” on the grand scale of courageous acts, but it only matters that it is a significant step forward for your child. Because risk-taking can be especially hard for some children (and their parents), start small. Set a goal, and then break the task into small and achievable steps (known as scaffolding) to help make them easier for your child to tackle. For example, if your child is learning to go out on their own despite their fear, start with a walk with a friend, then alone around the block with the dog, then move to a store nearby, and finally the walk to school. Goals should be realistic and meaningful to your child and/or circumstance.

Model bravery.

From birth, our children are learning by observing us. Demonstrate brave behavior by facing your fears and challenges openly. This means talking about experiences and even conversations that were hard or frightening to you, and sharing strategies you’ve used and continue to use to manage and overcome fears. By seeing you experience this process, it normalizes these feelings for your child, and creates an open and safe space for your child to try, too. 

Support autonomy.

Competence increases confidence. When children are actually given the space to practice and hone their skills, they have greater confidence in their ability to overcome. Testing problem-solving skills, and trying various strategies, can help our children to learn what to do when faced with the anticipated challenges of childhood. At every age, we can give children opportunities to make decisions and take responsibility for their actions. From grooming to homework, and friendship negotiation to chores, we can find ways for children to do for themselves what they can do, support them to do what they can almost do, and model for them what they cannot yet do.

By understanding the science of everyday bravery, we can begin to cultivate it in ourselves and others. Instilling some amount of courage - appropriate to their temperament and age - is important for our children to learn to cope (and that they have it in them to cope) with the challenges and uncertainties that life will surely bring. Though the road will likely be bumpy, and involve watching our children struggle outside of their comfort zone, we can remember that our ultimate goal is to give our children the skills they need for adulthood. Kelly perfectly says, “it’s the right words, or the right silence” that we can offer as parents that can make all the difference.

A quick reminder to buy my first book, The Five Principles of Parenting, and write a review from wherever you order. Reviews really help to get the book noticed, and to spread the word. Please especially rate and review any books purchased on Amazon (it shockingly really, really matters!). Also, when you receive the book, snap a quick pic with it and post on social media. Share one thing you love about it and help me to get more copies into the hands of parents in your community. Tell a friend about the book, or about something you found helpful in the book. Parents look to each other for advice, and I’d love to be a part of the support you pass on to your loved ones.