Helping Our Teens to Make Good Decisions
Helping Our Teens to Make Good Decisions
And understanding why bad decisions are expected
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Teenagers are NOT supposed to get it right every time. Even those who are generally responsible, thoughtful and have a strong moral compass will make a few bad decisions.
By understanding their behavior through a developmental lens, with compassion and curiosity, you can respond to bad decisions in a more intentional way. By modeling that problem-solving stance, and your own growth mindset, you can help your teens to learn from their mistakes and make a better choice next time.
So, what explains teens' poor decision making? Well, it's a combination of developmental factors, some of which I will summarize from the literature of neuroscience and developmental psychology.
#1 Hormones.
Higher levels of testosterone, oxytocin and cortisol can contribute to greater social interest, romantic pursuits and stress. Even teens' attraction to sensation seeking is also evolutionary. Teens seek out novel experiences and, thanks to a more sensitive response to Dopamine with higher highs and lower lows, feel a greater intensity in new and foreign exposures. That explains why adults can’t relive the true glory, or the true angst, of their teen years. Chasing dopamine can lead to impulsive behaviors, like risk taking, substance use or unprotected sex. While research shows that teens know better intellectually, the pull of potential pleasure steers them towards more impulsive and thrill-seeking choices. Substance use in particular plays off this dopamine response in teens. Their larger pleasure response to substance use, and deeper plummets when substances wear off, can set teens up for a higher risk of addiction and physical cravings for the rewarding effects of substances again and again.
#2 “Hot” Cognition.
When teens are using “cold cognition,” logical thinking and decision making is possible. Most teens can weigh and evaluate risk, and report knowing and understanding safe and responsible decisions. But once their “hot cognition” takes over, and they are flooded by arousal or anxiety, those thoughtful decisions are no longer possible. In these states, teens can’t properly evaluate risk - or access their prefrontal cortex to make a different decision - and often end up making bad decisions in the “heat” of the moment.
#3 Sleep.
Teens are sleep deprived. Late nights, homework, social commitments, anxiety, it is all taking up 23 of the 24 hours in a day. However, sleep deprivation puts teens at an elevated risk of poor decision making. Without sleep, teens have limited ability to control their emotional brains, and operate with limited judgment. Even 30 minutes more sleep per night can make a difference in teens’ ability to think clearly, and act with thought and purpose. Sleep is also a major factor in mental health. While their clock may shift (hello, late bedtime and late wake-ups), sleep remains crucial. One of the major, and relatively easy ways to promote sleep, is to get electronics out of their bedrooms. No matter how much they push back.
#4 Cognitive Distortions.
Your teen may be taller than you, but that prefrontal cortex is still years behind. In its immaturity (it’s got until the early 20s to figure things out), teens are highly susceptible to cognitive distortions. As I previously wrote about, cognitive distortions are patterns of thinking that are typically inaccurate and negative. This is different from realistic appraisals that sound negative. Real distortions (for example, "no one likes me") are not generally true in all situations, while realistic appraisals (for example, "I am not good at basketball") may be perceived as a negative, but may also be true. Having cognitive distortions can make teens likely to act without clarity of thought - and result in behaviors like mind-reading (presuming to know what others feel), personalization (making situations all about them), and catastrophizing (expecting the worst outcomes).
#5 Isolation.
For teens, being excluded can hurt in the same way physical pain does. Isolation is very acute in the teen years, and most teens are willing to do almost anything to find their way into a social group, to a connection with someone else, or to earn the attention of a peer or romantic interest. These are powerful motivators of poor decision making, and often overrule even the most knowing teen.
I hope this helps you to get into the mindset of your teen, understand some of the challenges they are facing, and come up with a realistic and compassionate way to deal with their inevitable mistakes.
Together, you can make a plan and communicate. The strength of your relationship has a remarkable impact on their development and outcomes long-term, so try to keep and stay connected even when it's rough.
We are all in this together, and I’m here to support you.
Warmly,
Thanks for being a part of Raising Good Humans. We are in this together.