Mistakes Are Painful, But They Don’t Have to be Harmful
Mistakes Are Painful, But They Don’t Have to be Harmful
5 Ways to Support our Children Around Mistakes
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When it comes to our children, it is easy to think of mistakes as something to shield them from, even if we know intellectually that mistakes are opportunities for growth. That’s because, in the heat of the moment, it is painful to watch mistakes in action. As adults, having made a few mistakes of our own, we know that mistakes are inevitable, important, and character building. Research supports the notion that mistakes in the context of loving support, are crucial components to building resilience, can be an important way to support decision making and autonomy, and do not need to leave permanent scars on our personhood.
In this week’s podcast conversation with Michelle Icard - author of the upcoming Eight Setbacks That Can Make a Child a Success - we discussed just how many parents struggle to make room for their children to fail.
Here are 5 ways to think about supporting our children through their inevitable struggles.
Take a moment to assess the situation.
While we all theoretically believe that failure is a good teaching tool, when it comes to our own children we do not like it. Often, we confuse whether the mistake is fair or painful with whether the mistake is going to actually cause harm. Though there are a few mistakes that can actually be dangerous (for example binge drinking), most of the time parents need to pause and remember that their child’s safety is not likely in jeopardy.
“The majority of the time, mistakes are painful, not harmful.”
Dr. Aliza Pressman
Have empathy for your child, even if they are to blame.
It may be easy to have empathy for your child around the setbacks they can’t help - like getting dumped, not making a team, or being ghosted by a friend - but it is also important to have empathy for them when they made the wrong decision, used poor judgment, or made a predictable mistake. Our children need our empathy, and not our anger, to recover from something hard. When they are hurting, when they feel shame, when they are already at their weakest, our empathy provides the space for them to heal. And while our anger may be easier to access (it comes to us quickly), our empathy is what supports the parent-child relationship long term.
“When you’re in pain, you need someone who's going to have so much empathy, take it all in and be like, “Man, that is rotten.” And then, “What do you wanna do? I will listen to your ideas. If you just wanna lay there for a while, that is cool. If you wanna get out and move, that is cool.” You really need a good listener.”
Michelle Icard
Empathy is NOT about feeling your child’s pain or making it about you.
As I say in the episode, I kind of HATE the saying, “You’re only as happy as your least happy child.” Of course I understand that saying makes sense when there is true pain and suffering, but for the everyday challenges life throws at us, this saying STINKS. To me, it sends the completely wrong message that your happiness and wellbeing is dependent on your children. What horrible pressure it is for our children to keep us happy all the time? Do you remember how awful it felt to think your teenage escapades caused your parents pain? Why would we want that for our kids? Instead, we need our children to know that we can hold all of their ugly, their pain, their hurt, and their failure…and be OK. We can feel for them and not break. We can support them and not need their support. Our own neediness cannot be the reason our children are afraid to fail or to struggle.
“In order to be able to be there for our children, and actually support them during tough times, we need to let ourselves off the hook, avoid being miserable alongside their misery, and step back to see the situation accurately.”
Dr. Aliza Pressman
One failure cannot define our children.
Finding ways to help our children move on and move forward is a critical piece of our role as parents. Our children have to know that there is a path forward, that there is the opportunity to repair, that one moment or poor decision does not define who they are. With our adult perspective on the long and winding road of life, we can help our kids to see that they are more than their failure, and instead deserve to move on and move forward.
“There comes a time when one failure cannot be the headline of a kid's childhood anymore. Where we stop asking them about it and just say, "You are a fully good person who doesn't have to keep atoning for that mistake or that failure. Let's move along. It's time."
Michelle Icard
Wait to have a teachable moment.
When it comes to talking to your children, forget everything we said about building resilience and growing from failure. Your children do NOT need a lecture from you about all the ways in which this mistake will make them tougher in the future. Instead, find a gentle way to talk through lessons they’ve learned (well past the recovery phase). Try brief conversations that happen on their terms, when they are ready and prepared to engage in the subject, and resist the urge to TEACH and PREACH at them. Instead, let them lead the conversation with the ways in which they plan to make amends, to change behavior in the future, or to tackle the next challenge. Make space for them to show you the insight, critical thinking, and perspective taking skills we know are in there.
“Try very hard to have a neutral expression on your face when you're talking to your kid, something I always call a Botox brow…Don't squint your eyebrows down like you're really concerned. Even if you're just trying to look focused, your child will read that as anger when it's not.”
Michelle Icard
I hope this helps!
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