What’s all the fuss about “Pause”

My new episode on Mindfulness Practices for (overwhelmed) Parents is out

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You may have heard the suggestion to PAUSE more than once. Pause before you start screaming, pause when you feel out of control, pause to be centered, pause when your child does something that activates you, pause, pause, pause. But why? I’m taking on the subject in my latest premium podcast episode on Mindfulness Practices, out today.

Why pause? Pauses allow us to stop goal-oriented activity and to create the space to make choices. The value of space to make choices cannot be underestimated. When we make conscious choices about how to respond, we feel so much more freedom and ease. When we do not have the capacity to pause and make choices, we start to feel out of control, and even ashamed. The simplified science of it is that capacity for self-regulation is housed in the part of the brain known as the prefrontal cortex. When we are flooded by emotions, we can’t access this part of our brain in order to regulate ourselves. When we take a breath and give ourselves that sacred pause, we give our body the chance to get back to reason, to decision making, to regulation. Our emotions give us incredible information about what matters to us, but when our emotions are not in communication with our reason, they aren’t helpful. 

“Between the stimulus and the response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”   - Dr. Rollo May (though often attributed to Viktor Frankl)

Why is the pause so hard for us? 

We go on auto-pilot. Most of us don’t think about our reactions much (especially in the heat of a difficult moment), and allow ourselves to go on automatic. 

We are biologically programmed to be on high alert for danger. Our primitive brain is scanning the horizon for tigers, always ready to respond. Even without a threat, our brains may stay on high alert and overreact in an effort to keep us safe. After all, there was a time when not being on high alert meant not surviving.

The pause makes us vulnerable. Lowering our guard, taking a moment to expose our true feelings, requires us to be open, to be raw, to be susceptible to pain. That is a choice that can terrify even the sturdiest of us. 

Here is one self-regulation or pause practice to try:

• Ask yourself, “what really matters to me in this moment?” four times.

• Each time you ask, take a breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. 

By doing this, you give permission and space to focus on what actually matters to you in that moment of interaction, and take the time to name that. You paused to give yourself freedom and presence.

I hope you find a way to pause today and when you do, notice how that shifts your capacity to be truly present in what you are doing. 

Warmly,