Understanding Your Child: Orchids, Dandelions, and the Science of Temperament

Individual differences explored

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One of our greatest tasks is to truly understand our children. Why do they react differently to the same situations? Why does one child seem to bounce back from challenges while another seems more deeply affected? Dr. Thomas Boyce, a professor of pediatrics and psychiatry at the University of California, San Francisco, has spent nearly 40 years researching these questions. His groundbreaking work has led to the concepts of “orchid” and “dandelion” children, offering us valuable insights into the diversity of human temperament, and how we can best support our kids. In this week’s episode of the Raising Good Humans Podcast, Dr. Boyce and I talked about the story of his research, how it applies to raising kids and navigating the distinction between being a supportive parent and an overly accommodating parent.

Dr. Boyce's research began by observing significant individual differences in children's health and illness rates. He noted that these differences often seemed connected to early life experiences, including psychological and emotional factors. His initial studies focused on the relationship between stress, adversity, and illness. It did reveal somewhat of a connection but also a significant amount of “noise” in the data. This led him to wonder if these variations were more than just random noise—he wanted to learn if they could be telling us something important.

Dr. Boyce then brought children into laboratory settings, exposing them to very mild stressors like repeating digits, tasting lemon juice, or being interviewed by a stranger. He found a vast spectrum of biological reactivity to these stimuli. Some children showed minimal response, while others were profoundly affected. This led to the idea that there were two broad categories of children: those who were less reactive, like dandelions, and those who were more highly reactive, like orchids.

If you’ve ever tried to keep an orchid (the plant, not the child) alive at home, you know how well this metaphor works. For me, this metaphor has unlocked a world of understanding intellectually, but as the parent of one orchid and one dandelion, I can assure you that the academic understanding only means so much. The practical, day-to-day ways that these classifications show up in my life is never ending, and always interesting.

Before you start to worry about classifying children in this way, hear this. Understanding these different temperaments can revolutionize how we parent, but these are absolutely not rigid labels or diagnoses, but rather ways to understand a spectrum of reactivity. Every child is unique, and these concepts simply offer a helpful framework. As Dr. Boyce details, orchid children play a critical biological and social role in our societies. Throughout time, they have proven themselves to be a valuable contribution to families, to art, to music, to research, to every imaginable field of work and study. Whether your child is a resilient dandelion or a delicate orchid, each has unique strengths and potential. Our job as parents is to create environments where those strengths can blossom. And we are not perfect (read more on that, here). This is a mixture of biology and environment, and parenting is only one environment our children experience.

For many of us orchid parents, the fascination instead lies in the push and pull of parenting orchids - struggling to find the times when a gentle and loving push is needed, or when pulling back to respect their sensitivity is warranted. This is our daily work.

With that, I give you 10 tips, based on this research, to take away as parents:

1. Recognize and accept differences. Sometimes the very act of acknowledging difference can feel wrong, but understanding that children respond to the world differently is a key to making conscious parenting decisions. Some kids are naturally more resilient, while others are more sensitive. Neither is “better” or “worse.” It's simply a difference in temperament. Accepting this helps us avoid comparing our children or trying to force them into a mold they don't fit. Read more about our own biases around temperament here.

2. Understand your child's reactivity. Observe how your child responds to various situations. Do they seem easily overwhelmed by crowds or loud noises? Are they deeply affected by changes in routine? Do they thrive in calm, predictable environments? Recognizing their reactivity level can help you anticipate their needs and create supportive environments. For more on temperament types and understanding, click here.

3. Support orchid children with sensitive caregiving. Orchid children need a specific kind of nurturing. This doesn’t mean overprotecting them but rather creating a stable, loving, and predictable environment. Here are some tips:

   • Establish routines. Regular routines and rituals can be incredibly reassuring for sensitive children. Predictability provides a sense of security and helps them feel more in control.

   • Validate feelings: Acknowledge and validate all emotions. Let them know it’s okay to feel overwhelmed or sensitive. Remember that all feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not.

   • Deep, enduring, love. Nurturing, loving relationships are crucial for orchid children. Deep, compassionate care can make all the difference in their well-being.

   • Plenty of opportunity for imaginative play. Allow your orchid child to find creative outlets to explore their feelings and the feelings of others. Imaginative play is where this happens best.

   • Clear limits and boundaries. Your orchid’s reactivity should not dictate decisions about the rules of the house.

4. Avoid overprotection. While it’s important to be sensitive to orchid children’s needs, it’s also crucial not to overprotect them. Instead, provide a supportive environment where they can gradually face and overcome stressors. Shielding them from all challenges can prevent them from developing resilience, coping skills, and most importantly, mastery. Dr. Boyce emphasizes that while you may need to let an orchid child back away from a situation that becomes aversive or threatening, you also have to balance fear with mastery. You don't want to completely deny them the chance to experience positive outcomes from navigating those stressors.

5. Nurture dandelion children too. Dandelion children may seem less needy, but they still require attention and support. Don’t assume they can handle everything on their own. Offer them love, guidance, and encouragement, just like you would with an orchid child.

6. Be mindful of sibling dynamics. In families with both orchid and dandelion children, it's important to ensure fairness and avoid unintentionally favoring one child’s needs over another. Dr. Boyce pointed out the importance of "sibship" and being sensitive to all children in the family. Being overly focused on the orchid child may make the dandelion feel like they are not getting enough attention, or that their needs are less important. Strive to create a family culture that values and supports each child’s unique temperament.

7. Don’t confuse these ideas with a diagnosis. It is crucial to remember that “orchid” and “dandelion” are not diagnoses. They are descriptions of temperament and reactivity. A child can be an orchid and also have a diagnosis, but these are separate issues. Same for an orchid. These descriptions don't fully describe a child, but are useful in thinking about how children react to their environments.

8. Examine all environments, not only your parenting. Children experience many environments - home, school, the community, and so forth. Each environment will have different challenges and supports for different temperaments. Being mindful of how your child interacts in each setting can give you insight on how to support them best - whether a dandelion or an orchid.

9. Enduring love is key. Ultimately, Dr. Boyce emphasizes that “enduring love, sustaining love and care” is the key to parenting. It is the most essential component, more important than any particular technique or strategy. And, thankfully, there are many ways to show love and care. I worry that many parents these days think there is only one “right” way, but we know this isn’t true. Though some of our behaviors can be too much or too little, enduring love for our children is never too much. Love provides a solid foundation that allows a child to feel secure and thrive.

10. Understand yourself, too. Your temperament is not irrelevant here! How you experience the world is a part of your parenting every day (more on that here). After hearing about his work, many people have contacted Dr. Boyce to tell him they have walked away with a new understanding of themselves. If that’s the same for you - or someone you love - try your high sensitivity with self-compassion and self-acceptance. Build routines, choose supportive relationships, and acknowledge your unique strengths.

Dr. Boyce’s work and his incredible contribution to the field made this particular episode a huge honor and a delight to share.

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