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Lying can bring up a lot for parents, so understanding how it fits into development can be helpful.
For younger kids, lying is actually a sign of their developing cognitive capacities. For example, the ability to lie reflects your child’s understanding of theory of mind - the idea that other people have different thoughts and feelings than their own. When they tell a lie, your young child has to imagine what someone else will think or believe, AND how they can trick them into thinking or believing something else. This is much harder than it sounds! This type of thinking is not generally possible before age 4, and signals an important step forward in development (even though it comes with some downside!). Children in the preschool years are often so fascinated with this newly developing concept, they may tell lies just to see what they can get away with, or to explore the reaction of others.
For slightly older, elementary-aged kids, lying can be caused by a number of factors. Sometimes, our children are testing out, or even imagining, a different outcome. They may lie for attention, saying something like, “I did so well in the game that everyone cheered for me.” These types of exaggerated lies may help them to imagine something they want to be true, or to find out what types of tall tales they can get away with. At this age, children may also be sooooo eager for something to happen, that they tell lies impulsively. Without much thought, children may tell a lie that is obvious, or solely to get what they want at the moment. Impulsivity, like this, is responsible for some of the most common lies around homework, getting treats or screen time, delaying bedtime, or even brushing teeth. It’s also possible that children are aware they are going to get in trouble, if they tell the truth, and lying feels easier.
For tweens and teens, lying may be an attempt to avoid consequences or remove focus from their own behaviors. By this age, our own responses as parents have influenced our children's lying behaviors. For example, if we have had harsh reactions to certain actions or events, our children are more likely to lie to us when these events occur again. Or if we have overreacted to situations (friendship drama or anxieties, for example), our children may find themselves lying to us in order to spare our feelings. Fear-based lying is the most important one to nip in the bud, because it can keep our children exposed to dangerous situations without coming to us for help.
So, what do we do about lying?
First, a few “don’ts” (and though I don’t love the “don’t” suggestions, they can be helpful):
Don’t ask questions you already know the answer to.
When you know your children may be tempted to lie, there is no need to force them into actually lying by asking a question that you already know the answer to. For example, if you see a dry as a bone toothbrush next to the sink, say, “ Please brush your teeth,” instead of, “Did you brush your teeth?” That way, you encourage your children to do what you need them to do without backing them into a corner to lie.
Don’t confront lies directly.
When you catch your children telling a lie, it may be tempting to dig in and prove yourself right. That type of confrontation can actually drive children to lie more! Instead, allow the lie to sit for a second, take a breath, and think through some of the DOs listed below.
Don’t call children liars.
Being labeled a “liar” can damage a child’s self-esteem in significant ways. Research suggests that labeling can make children think of their behavior as part of who they are, instead of how they behave. When children confuse their actions for character flaws, they can lean into that dreaded, punishing, inner voice. Instead, reassure your child that the lying behavior is not acceptable, but that it does not define who they are, and that you know they are a good kid.
And now, some “dos”:
Ignore some of the small lies.
Especially among the younger set, let some of the harmless lies go. If they are telling stories that seem unrealistic, ridiculous, even all out impossible, it isn’t necessary to confront our children. Instead, listen to the stories and say something like, “Wow, that’s quite a story.” This way you can signal that you don't necessarily believe them, but avoid challenging their version of the truth directly.
Offer second chances.
When you know your child has lied and suspect that it may be the result of an impulsive decision, give your child a chance for a do-over. Try saying, “I’m going to give you a second to check your homework and see if you have a different answer for me,” or walk away for a moment and let your child check their information. This way, you can get the desired response (your child will come up with a new answer), and you avoid having to confront them or create the need for more lies.
Make consequences logical.
When older children lie, it may be necessary for them to lose a privilege they aren’t managing appropriately. For example, if they lie about their behavior on a group chat, it may be appropriate to remove the device, in order for them to work on the skills needed to use it responsibly. Another example is breaking curfew. If our children lie about where they go or when they come home, then some loss of privileges, until they can make a new plan for greater adherence in the future, may help to manage the situation.
Make it easy to tell the truth.
Remember to encourage truth telling by making it easy for children to tell us when they make mistakes. If we overreact to every misstep that our children make (cue the yelling, crying, or generally unhinged behavior that comes naturally to some of us…), it makes it even harder for them to come to us with the truth. If we can be easy enough to talk to, if we can listen, understand, and help, we can encourage our children to tell the truth next time. Our regulated and thoughtful reaction encourages our children NOT to lie, and builds our relationship and connection.
Model truth-telling.
So much of parenting is about what we model. Of course, we all lie, sometimes. But big or small, when we lie to - or in front of - our children, we need to own our mistakes and repair. Seeing us make mistakes, and admit failure, helps our children to see our own truths, and the value of being authentic and honest.
Finally, in case you missed it, here is a recent Instagram post on lying for younger kids!
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Another thing that can be helpful for older kids (who already know that lying is bad, but are still doing it) is to immediately engage them in a positive task. Something that helps them to feel useful, purposeful, and helpful --- like helping you unload the dishwasher or pick out a recipe to make for dinner tonight. Then, you can have a discussion afterward when the child has come back into balance and explore why they felt compelled to lie in that moment.