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I recently got this message from one of my clients. She wrote, “How did I become so critical of myself? Thinking back to my childhood, I can’t quite remember if I was always this way, or if age, time and experience have changed me. Either way, I’ve ended up with a harsh, judgmental and unforgiving inner voice. And I don’t want that for my children.”
If you’re anything like my client, you’ve probably faced this reality, too.
We aren’t always nice to ourselves, and that is a burden we don’t want to pass on to the next generation.
Lev Vygotsky wrote about inner speech in his work, talking about the power and influence of the voice inside our heads that takes what we have been taught about norms and behavior, and turns it inward. But certainly there is something off between how we are spoken to (my client is a lovely and generous person) and how we treat ourselves inside. When we become fluent at negative self-talk it not only becomes the voice in our heads, but the voice that we acclimate to. We are less skilled at even recognizing it. And because our children read our nervous systems, your negative inner voice can hijack your child’s inner voice without you even saying a word.
So how can we fix it? Here are a few steps to help address your child’s inner voice.
Start with your own. Start saying out loud (yes, talk to yourself) what you are thinking. For example, “Come on, Aliza, type this a little bit faster! You’re moving like a snail.” As soon as you’ve said it, you’ll become more conscious of making this voice kinder, more forgiving, and perhaps more encouraging. Acknowledge that underneath that negative self-talk is a fear of failing. In my example I may revise it to be, “Hey Aliza, I know you really don’t want to blow this article, and so you’re criticizing yourself for going slowly. But you’ve got this. Take a minute to focus and you can get this done.” Modeling more positive self-talk is a great way to show your children how they can use their inner voices to motivate, instead of judge.
Separate behavior from character. Remind yourself and your children that we all make mistakes and choices we regret, but that no one choice defines who we are. In their hardest moments, remind children that repair is always possible. Good, kind, thoughtful people make mistakes everyday and it doesn’t change who they are. Be clear in your language that ways of being are temporary. For example, “At this moment I am procrastinating, I’m not a procrastinator.”
Balance criticism with compassion. It’s our job as parents to help our children learn. While we may use mistakes as opportunities to teach a lesson, balance those moments with compassion for our children's intentions and motivation. You can say something like, “I know that even though you didn’t make a great choice at that moment, you did what you thought made sense, and you weren’t trying to hurt anyone’s feelings. Next time, you can try something else, and you can learn from this.”
Help your child build a strategy. When you hear negative self-talk that is driven by fear, ask your child what they can do to break down the challenge into more manageable parts.
Pay attention to how often generalizations are being used in your home. “Never,” and “always,” can be replaced with “today” or “right now.” These are much more realistic appraisals of yourself and your mistakes.
Let’s be kind to ourselves and teach our children to do the same. For better or worse, the world will do enough to point out our flaws, and we all deserve a kinder and more forgiving inner voice.
Warmly,
Thanks for being a part of Raising Good Humans. We are in this together.