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The subject of gaming can be super foreign to some parents whose kids have zero interest, and a constant source of argument and fear for others who seem “addicted.” Gaming is a foreign concept to me in my day to day, but I hear about gaming worries from parents all the time. It’s something we often misunderstand, and even if we tolerate it, we rarely value or appreciate. From that view, how can any of us actually connect with our children around game use? How can we use the power of our relationship to help buffer any harmful impact? How can we avoid acting as our parents or grandparents did when they first heard rock and roll?
“Knowing what a protective factor it is for our children to have a close, connected, relationship with an adult in their lives, do we want to spend that relationship in conflict over screens as they emerge into adolescence?” Dr. Aliza Pressman
In this week’s episode of the Raising Good Humans Podcast, I spoke with pediatrician and mediatrician (the title of his new book), Dr. Michael Rich. We reviewed not only the ways we can support healthy game use, but the critical importance of connecting with our children around their interests, instead of fighting against them.
Let’s remember first that adolescence is a time of intense change. Incredible science shows how our children's brains and bodies are rapidly growing (second only to the newborn period) and maturing in ways that are absolutely astounding to think about (and could take an entire lifetime to explore). From puberty, sexuality, and identity development, to cognitive abilities like abstract thinking, or physical changes like body shape, adolescence has a LOT going on above and below the surface. Though we may be a few years out, most of us can remember the overwhelming experience of change we had during adolescence, and the pressing and sometimes painful interests we pursued.
From the research, we know a lot about what serves adolescence during this period, too. Not surprisingly it’s things like sleep (Dr. Rich points out that teens only secrete human growth hormone while they’re asleep because you don’t want to fight gravity to get taller - love that!), it’s good nutrition (and enough calories), social relationships with peers, connection with loving and trusting adults, independence, practice, and so much more. But as with so much of development, they need support from us. They need all 5 of the principle R’s (Relationship, Reflection, Regulation, Rules and Repair).
If gaming is important to your child, as it is to so many across the country and the world, then figuring out a way to connect around the gaming will be helpful to you. Remember that it is never too late to connect (hello, Repair). The genie may be out of the bottle, but that does not mean that we do not hold a lot of power and influence, or that our children can’t learn new ways to supplement their behavior. There is always time, and always a path to a stronger relationship. In doing so, you can get to know gaming, participate, get curious AND set healthy guardrails (um…Rules) around what is and is not acceptable.
Here’s where to start.
When it comes to gaming, think of yourself as the student, not the hall monitor. If your child is playing one particular game with passion, get curious about it and ask them to teach you how to play. Yup, you’re learning alongside them. Find out how to choose the best weapon to use, build a new city, race in a grand prix, or steal a car. Come to a place where you can understand - and perhaps appreciate - your child’s interest in the game. Where you can turn to your child and say (genuinely), “I can see why this is fun for you and why you want to spend so much time practicing this.” Talk about the skills your child is growing, and then how those skills are helping, or hurting them in real life.
By opening this discussion with your children, you are building a relationship shared around the game, not standing across the room judging them. From here, change, improvement, and evolution are possible. That’s next.
“It's not that the screen is something toxic, so much as what it's displacing. Strenuous physical exercise, reading, talking with family, playing board games, doing all the things that comprise a rich life. And that's what we owe our kids ultimately is a rich and diverse menu of experience.” Dr. Michael Rich
Much more concerning than what our children are doing online (you can see when I wrote about it before, most kids are actually doing OK), we have to look at what our children aren’t doing when they are gaming. This means focusing on non-screen time, instead of the hyper focus on screen-time. This simple mental shift can help us to alleviate the burden of screen time limits, of the worry about the hours, minutes, and seconds of gaming, and instead focus on the “what else” in our children’s day.
If our children are interacting with peers face-to-face, doing well in school, enjoying extracurricular activities or sports, engaging in conversations with us, getting sleep and physical exercise, well…then gaming isn’t our enemy. Our children are doing OK - and we can feel reassured. Let’s measure their gaming use by ensuring all of this is happening, not by taking away their devices, setting timers all around our house for arbitrary amounts of time, or threats and bribery.
If we don’t see that our children are engaging outside of gaming, or notice any signs or symptoms of depression, anxiety, isolation, or changes in weight, sleep, exercise or hygiene, then of course more serious intervention may be necessary. But we don’t need to paint all children who are gaming with this brush. We can use our connection and our unique understanding of our children to find the nuance in a very complex situation.
5 Ways to Support Non-Screen Time in Your Home (there are about a million, but here are just 5 suggestions):
Family dinner. The research on family meals is STRONG. Aim for 4 per week (any meal is fine), keep it simple, and focus on conversation without any devices present.
Play board games. Finding non-tech ways to spend time together is good for everyone. Make them age and interest appropriate (there are so many great choices out there) and carve out a few “game” nights without a controller. Eye rolls are welcome.
Catch your children being “good.” Look for the positive and give your attention to it. Like when they were little, we can expect more of the behavior we give attention to. Find a unique way to celebrate (whether a comment or poker chip in a jar) to notice and praise what your child is already doing well.
Let them be bored. Wait for something with your child and make conversation. Sit together and do nothing. Look at a sunset, at the ocean, at the rain, and just be. Help your teen to practice being bored - and do some of this work for yourself, too.
Carve out device free zones. Bedrooms, mealtimes, family events. Find the moments where screens are NOT invited and uphold those. This will guarantee some amount of time off the gaming device, and continue to practice your child’s skills in engaging with, and relating to, others.
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"Connecting WITH our children around their interests, instead of fighting AGAINST them." This is so important for children of every age, and for interests of all kinds (not just video games). When the parent takes on the role of the observer (or the student, as you aptly described), taking note of the things their child is naturally drawn to, then the parent can invite the child into similar activities that broaden the child's horizons. Maybe the child loves the fantasy world of their video game, so the parent can recommend one of their favorite fantasy novels from when they were a child. Or maybe its the idea of getting better and better at a skill that entices the child to keep playing -- so the parent can encourage the child to set weekly goals for themselves, and continue trying to achieve their personal best (a mini-masterclass in goal setting).