I Need Makeup to be Pretty
I Need Makeup to be Pretty
Answering listener questions
Thanks for reading Raising Good Humans on Substack! My first book, The Five Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans is now available for purchase here.
Hi Dr Aliza. My 11 year old daughter has recently been saying she is ugly and needs makeup to be pretty. She is actually a very beautiful girl and has recently become focused on looks and makeup and clothes. I don’t know why she is having this distorted view of herself, and saying these cruel things about herself. What should I do?
OH MAN. We have all been here. Many of us with tween and teen girls have heard these same types of statements from our own children AND are feeling concerned about our skincare/makeup-obsessed youth (have you heard the phrase “Sephora Kids”?). Makeup and skincare companies market to young girls and teens, with great success. But parents are not powerless in this, and what we say and do with our kids can, and does, make a tremendous difference.
First, and I think you know what I am going to say… take a breath, regulate yourself, and remember that this is one moment in time. Body image and our sense of self-esteem ebbs and flows as we grow, and is heavily dependent on one moment in time (for example, the friends we have at that moment; how we are doing in school or at work; or the success we feel in other aspects of our life). It is normal for many tweens and teens (and for all of us) to have dips in our self-confidence, to have moments where we “like” or “hate” things about ourselves, and where we notice or talk about these issues regularly. Remind yourself that this is just one moment, and that your daughter is not doomed to a lifetime of struggle because of what you’re hearing today.
“Body Image” has 4 main components: perceptual, affective, cognitive and behavioral. Perception refers to how you see yourself, whether we see ourselves as others do, and how much we focus on one feature of our appearance vs. the whole. Affective refers to feelings toward our body - either happiness, satisfaction or disgust. Cognitive refers to the way we think about our body, and finally behavioral, which refers to the actions we take as a result of our overall body image.
Makeup is a complicated topic because while it can signal dissatisfaction with one's appearance, it can also be used to bolster self-esteem and help adults feel empowered around their appearance to others. The same can be said for skincare which, though it can feel innocuous, can also lead to both positive and negative feelings around beauty.
Like all things we talk about in parenting, there is no easy answer here. Setting limits around skincare and makeup may be one approach, but supporting healthy body image and self-esteem is another.
What to do:
Talk about bodies with respect, and as instruments. Spend time celebrating the ways that our bodies support us, grow, change, and adapt. Find new ways to appreciate the power of our body as a super computer, not as something we look at.
Practice body neutrality, focusing on how your body feels and not what it looks like. This may mean asking yourself or your child how you feel after you eat something, or when you wear something, instead of jumping to what it looks like.
Discuss beauty in more expansive ways than media and society suggest – wrinkles when you laugh, or environmental beauty. Practice using the word beautiful in non-classical ways, and introduce beauty wherever you go.
Talk about the qualities that matter, not about looks. Describe people by how funny they are, curious, hard working, strong, or interesting. Avoid describing or complimenting them by how they look, whenever possible, or discussing appearance or eating habits with judgment.
Stop any negative comments about your looks or how other people look. Today! Change the cycle in your family by talking to grandparents about these issues, so they also don’t make comments. Stay away from diet talk, even if it is about health. Take a look at your relationship with makeup or skincare as well.
Discuss what you see and notice in your children’s media consumption. For example, “Do you notice that all of these characters look like they are models instead of real highschoolers?” Find content that celebrates people with a range of different body types.
Explain how retouching and filters work. Understanding that many of the images they see are NOT real, can help tweens and teens to make sense of the unrealistic standards they may accidentally be pursuing.
Keep connection and communication open. Being able to share their thoughts and feelings with YOU is some of the best protection our tweens and teens have. Learn to hold what they tell you without needing to fix it. Being easy to talk to (especially around hard topics) makes it more likely your child will continue to share, and is protective for your child as they grow.
Set limits (that feel right to you) around where and when your child wears makeup, who pays for it, and around social media or other content that discusses beauty topics and trends.
Break cycles in your own life. If you struggled with your body image or self-esteem (or continue to), try noticing how those issues may be coming up with your children. There is always help available.
Specific language to try.
“Fat is not a bad word, we all have fat on our bodies, just like we have skin, hair and bones. Some people have more or less, and it changes at different points in our life. How has your body changed as you’ve grown?”
“Your body is an instrument, not an object. We are so lucky to have unique, amazing, and different bodies that take care of us, and adapt to the world around us. That is some pretty cool science.”
“We can stay healthy by listening to our bodies and how they feel when we eat certain foods.”
“Moving our bodies isn’t only about getting strong, staying flexible, and being healthy, it also helps us learn more, sleep better, and be in a better mood.”
“You don’t have one characteristic that defines you. You define yourself, and you get to choose what you put out in the world.”
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