Resisting the Urge to Fix It
Resisting the Urge to Fix It
How can you support problem solving skills without coming to the rescue?
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Do you have to sit on your hands in an effort not to jump in and fix your child’s mistake?
No matter how old, it is hard to watch our children struggle and not want to jump in and rescue them. It’s natural for all of us to want to share our wisdom, the lessons we’ve learned, and to spare our children from failure. But whenever you feel the urge, remind yourself that “jumping in” is only a bandaid. When we do so, not only do our children lose out on the reasonable experiences they need to build resilience, they also receive the unspoken message that we don’t believe in their capacity to manage the challenge themselves.
Instead of saving or sparing our children, let’s learn to support them through the challenges.
Here are a few tips that work for toddlers through teens!
Fight your own urges to rescue
Whether it’s a piece of a puzzle or AP calculus, we’ve all been there
Remind yourself that doing nothing, is actually doing a lot
Be physically near your child to support them, but stay quiet
Your presence is reassuring, so stick around and let your child know you care. Being present may provide just the support they need to persevere.
Acknowledge their struggle, and focus on helping your child feel seen and heard
For the young ones, “I see how hard you’re trying. It is frustrating. ”
For the slightly older ones, “I know this is hard. It really stinks that it isn’t getting any clearer.”
For too old to hear it, “Ugh, I am sorry. Let me know how I can best support you.”
Ask before you offer a suggestion
Honor your child’s autonomy by letting them decide if they want help
“Let me know if you want any suggestions, I am here.”
Be a sounding board for them to talk through possible solutions
Offer your child the chance to talk through their thinking and come to their own realizations and understanding
Support their process by naming how cool it is to hear how they are problem solving rather than correcting or adjusting.
Let them know that there is no expiration date on your help, and remain available as needed
If your child doesn’t want help now, that is okay. Try saying, “I’m here if you change your mind.”
Some of this may be easier said than done, but growing resilience takes time and patience.
We all want children who can make their own way through the world, but we sometimes forget that they need to practice doing hard things to get there. Why not let them practice in the comfort and safety of our home, when we are nearby, available, and most connected?
Warmly,
Thanks for being a part of Raising Good Humans. We are in this together.