Thanks for reading Raising Good Humans on Substack. Please consider a paid subscription to support this work and get access to my invite only Ask Me Anything Parent Group at the end of every month. Paid subscribers will also get a preview of my new book, and the chance to participate in a book club in the Fall. Founding members on Substack also receive a private 1:1 consultation with me, where we can focus on any of the issues that matter most to you.
Have you ever wished you could bubble wrap your child so that they would be protected in the world? We all want to protect our kids as much as we can, AND also, our kids are a lot less fragile than we think. In fact, when they have a loving and supportive caregiver, it is those manageable stressors that help all of us learn that we are stronger than we realize. Unlike truly terrible events, we are talking about those challenging but tolerable moments (just regular life) we want to protect our kids from.
Coming out of my mindset article last week and my latest episode of Raising Good Humans Podcast, I want to expand on the idea of anti-fragility originally coined by Nassim Nicholas Taleb.
In the episode, my guest Dr. Tracy Dennis Tiwary, likens the world fragile to a tea cup, which when it shatters has too many pieces to even put back together. It shatters and can never be made whole. It is a great metaphor for thinking of our children as delicate china - in need of constant protection. We carry that china around in the world, afraid of someone bumping into us, afraid of bumps in the road, afraid of tripping up and making a mistake.
Our parenting style isn’t meant to be anything like that. As we know from decades of developmental science (read more about it here), rupture and repair in our relationships is essential for development. We are meant to have many missteps in our relationships with our children, to grow from the bumps and bruises, and to show them our authentic selves - imperfections preferred. Our relationship with our children is about supporting and scaffolding them as they grow, not living in fear of their fragility.
The term anti-fragility is a way to talk about the opposite of this delicate china tea cup. It isn’t just about being tough - this isn’t a steel tea cup - it is about growing and getting stronger from the challenges and stressors that come up in life. It is the notion that we are molded and made from the bumps and the bruises - and end up more resilient because we survive them.
From the way we build our muscles by ripping them, stressing them, and letting them grow back stronger, to the way our immune system gains strength through exposure to germs, we are familiar with the concepts of anti-fragility. And our emotions are no exception.
If we never allow our children to experience hard feelings, moments of manageable stressors in the context of fear, anxiety, sadness, disappointment or frustration - how will they learn to get through them? If they learn that they need to be shielded from those emotions, what message does that send about their own abilities? How does thinking of yourself as fragile impact your confidence moving forward? Our confusion around mental health as the absence of struggle does our children a disservice. Even though we are well-meaning and coming from a place of love, we think that if we clear our children’s path of any suffering we will have a child who grows up more confident and sure of themselves. In fact, it’s the opposite. When we treat our children as if they will break, we’ve decided they are fragile. If this resonates with you - don’t panic. There is always time to begin to pull back that bubble wrap, to allow your child to start to experience these challenges in small ways, and to back your parenting up to make room for their own growth.
When we face life’s challenges and learn to work through them, and learn from them, we become more from them. What’s the secret sauce in turning what could be harmful into helpful? Scaffolding and support from parents. That’s the great news. Parents can make a significant difference by helping their children to face those challenges in the context of loving support and therefore and grow from it.
A few tips on how:
Validate your child’s emotions - whether you view them as positive or negative. Accept the emotion that your child is feeling, and don’t jump in to “fix” or repair it right away.
Help your child to think of how to manage their feelings. Can they think of something that helps them get through the challenge (like a hug when they are sad for the toddlers, journaling for the middle schoolers, or going for a run for our teens)?
Reflect on how they have managed these challenges before. Help your child to consider what worked for them last time they felt this way. Did the nervousness before a test help them to study? Did they call a friend outside of school when the friendship drama at lunch made things hard? Tap into what has worked before, and call on your child to try it again.
Show confidence in your child’s ability to manage hard moments. Since birth, your child has been looking to you to understand what is safe and dangerous. When you project confidence that your child (at all ages) will not break, you let them know that you believe they have the skills they need to succeed. Your belief in them makes a huge difference in their belief in themselves.
Shift the mindset on challenges, like anxiety. Studies show that a simple conversation around anxiety as helpful, motivating and productive, can help us to face a difficult moment with less stress. Think about talking to your child about how their anxiety (or other challenge) can be a superpower, and how they can understand it in a way that improves confidence instead of growing fear.
The message of anti-fragility means that we can take a collective breath. It's such a gift to find something that is able to help parents both believe in their kids, and believe in their ability to support their kids. I hope this reaches you where you are. Post a comment and let me know.
I often babysit my 3 1/2 year-old great grandson. He went through a stage where he would fuss if you said no to him -now he’s using his advanced language skills instead. He’s only allowed one or two treats a day. I took him to a local museum, we bought some dinosaurs and the lady behind the counter thought he was so cute she offered him a sucker. I said sure -he took the sucker -as we walked to the car. I said “after this you don’t get any more treats today”. No fussing. After he was secured in his car seat and I enter the car he said with great authority “Gigi, a sucker is not a treat. It’s a sweet, so I still get ice cream later.”