Welcome to Raising Good Humans on Bulletin. We are so happy you're joining our judgment-free, science-backed parenting community. Subscribe now to get these articles in your inbox every week, AND consider becoming a premium member for exclusive behind-the-scenes access, LIVE Q&A's, and more original content.
I’ve talked a lot on the Raising Good Humans Podcast about the importance of “repair” in relationships. Professor Ed Tronick has captured decades of research highlighting the power of “discord and repair.”
Stressors are normal, and we all lose connection with our children at times.
I find it a powerful reminder to call on this research to continue to remind myself that the process of coming back together, of repair, actually helps to build our secure attachment relationships and build long term resilience.
Ruptures are NORMAL and important in relationships. If you can’t admit to having them, you may be avoiding conflict, because most of us will feel some disconnect from each other and/or our child(ren) daily. This is the way relationships work - coming together, then apart, and then back together.
From the time they were babies (or if they are a baby right now!), we hold insane expectations of ourselves as parents– to be perfectly in sync, to be forever responsive, to be dedicated to our child’s every need. But that is neither realistic, nor healthy. We are not perfect, and even for that infant, we will miss opportunities, make mistakes, and have ruptures.
When we have a rupture and then a repair, we teach each other that the rupture can be tolerated, that yucky feelings and unmet needs can be recovered from, and that our love and relationship can endure the test of everyday stress. That is the fabric of our secure attachment relationship and it is the building block for having healthy expectations in our future relationships.
But, as I have also talked about, research tells us that ruptures can cause us to feel shame. Shame isn't productive. Shame actually disrupts our capacity to repair with ourselves and others.
Instead of feeling shame when we lose our cool, yell more than we meant to, or make any of the 100000 parenting mistakes we will surely make, we can focus on the repair.
How?
Take a moment and remind ourselves that yes we made a mistake and that mistakes are part of being a human. If we notice shame bubbling up, give an extra dose of self compassion and maybe even a reminder about the power of discord.
Take responsibility for our actions and apologize sincerely. Admit what we did (i.e. yell, get too upset, walk away, make a poor choice) and express regret. This will make us look human, vulnerable and understandable to our child. This also reassures our child that what they noticed was real and that we are taking responsibility for our mistake.
Find a way to reconnect. Maybe it is a hug, or maybe just a moment together finishing the conversation that got so heated. Maybe it is both of you admitting you wish it had gone a different way. Maybe it’s just a wink and a quick and knowing touch of the hand. Get back in sync so that you can feel the physical benefits of repair (like reduced blood pressure and heart rate).
Try resetting intentions, moving forward. Letting our children know what we intend to do differently in the future can help them to see us for the changing and growing adults that we are. This also shows our children that we can forgive ourselves when we make mistakes and create a path forward to do better next time. Change is always possible, and knowing that we are making the effort can bring us closer to our children and bring our children closer to feeling more forgiving of themselves when they make mistakes.
Spend more positive moments with our children. When things get frustrating, find a new route to connection. If bedtime is a battle, try having a few nice breakfasts together. Or if homework is causing fights, try taking a walk with no purpose except getting some fresh air. Changing up the atmosphere and connecting over something else can help to improve the pain points when you return.
Forgive mistakes, and accept them as opportunities to learn. We are all human, and we will all get things wrong sometimes. Model forgiveness for yourself the way you would want your child to when they mess up.
Figure out what sets us off and take steps to address those areas proactively. We all have our own pain points. Maybe you yell when you’re hungry or get angry about messes. Recognizing these patterns can help us to take steps to prevent these outbursts and act with more intention.
Set realistic goals for change. We can’t do it overnight, so be patient with yourself.
We are in this together!
Warmly,
Thanks for being a part of Raising Good Humans. We are in this together.