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I love a moment that can help you see the same set of circumstances in a whole new way. That’s what my Raising Good Humans Podcast episode this week, with author and self-proclaimed “happiness bully,” Gretchen Rubin, was all about this week. From tendency types to the five senses, we explored her frameworks to promote perspective taking - something we are in desperate need of these days, both at home and in our greater society.
Wouldn't the world just be so much better if we could just pay attention to the fact that the colors we see may look different to other people, or the taste we taste might taste different to someone else?
Dr. Aliza Pressman
The gift of perspective taking is the ability to both understand others AND ourselves. One of our most important jobs as parents is to help our children in their journey for self-discovery, and to support and nurture their own unique temperament. In Gretchen’s work, on the Four Tendency Types, she explores our natural response to internal and external expectations. And while this sounds complicated, it is actually a simple way to rethink how we are communicating with others in a way that promotes success and harmony.
The four tendency types identified by Gretchen are:
The Upholder - Motto: “Discipline is my freedom”
Upholders regularly meet internal and external expectations. They may have rigidity about being dependable to others AND their own goals, but they are self-executing and focused on excellence.
The Questioner - Motto: “I'll comply if you convince me why”
Questioners crave information. They resist anything that feels arbitrary, but will do things that make sense to them based on internal expectations.
The Obliger - Motto: “You can count on me and I'm counting on you”
Obligers are highly motivated to meet others expectations, but have trouble meeting their own. They are great leaders, team mates, and friends - always willing to go the extra mile, even to their own detriment!
The Rebel - Motto: “You can't make me and neither can I”
Rebels resist all expectations, outer and inner. They want to do what they want to do in their own way, in their own time - and if you ask or tell them to do something, they're very likely to resist.
I’m guessing that as you read these, you instantly have a sense of who you are (if you don’t, take Gretchen’s quiz here). For me, discovering I was a Rebel took a moment to get used to. Though those closest to me may be aware of my tendencies, understanding my own is a harder task! Once you’ve figured this out for yourself, it’s time to think about your child.
Like temperament, understanding the difference between your tendency and your child’s can help to unlock greater ease in communication. Can you approach your Questioner with information? Help to create an external expectation to motivate your Obliger? Work to accommodate the rigidity of your Upholder? Offer a challenge to your Rebel? When we know more about how our messages will be received, we can better predict their success.
A love language is not “What is your language?" It is “What is the language that is understood by the person to whom you are speaking?”
Gretchen Rubin
So much of our conflict with our children is in the service of getting them to DO things. Therefore, understanding how they respond to expectations feels to me like the magic sauce.
Here are a few examples:
Rebel contact.
Value their “identity”
Love a challenge
Can be appealed to with information and consequences
What this looks like in practice: “Hey buddy, I know you don’t want to spend a ton of time on this project. But, I'm thinking that if you do this well you can prove yourself capable of independent work, and your teacher will let you pick what you work on for the rest of the semester.”
Obliger training.
Motivated by external expectations
Focused on others assertion that they are “dependable”
Have trouble prioritizing their own needs
What this looks like in practice: “If you really want to learn to play the piano, let’s set some goals with your teacher so you have something to work towards. Then you’ll be able to help yourself remember to practice.”
Living with an endless Questioner.
Seeking explanation and understanding
Strong sense of morality and fairness
May not understand how their questioning impacts others
What this looks like in practice: “I’m asking you to do this because there is data that doing it this way is the most effective way to practice and make this happen successfully. I’m happy to explain more to you, or for you to read the article yourself.”
Upholder at the dinner table.
Enjoys rules and structure
Feels upset by changes or lack of routine
Easy to overly rely on because of their responsibility and reliability
What this looks like in practice: “I know that things didn’t go as expected. That is very hard and I understand. Why don’t you get back on your schedule and make a plan that feels best for you.”
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This is great Aliza, thank you! 😊 I'm off to take the quiz and listen to the podcast 👍 I also took a quick re-visit to the temperament post - also great 💛
I didn't quite fit any category, but I ended up being labeled a questioner (go figure!). I think my kiddos are also questioners--it's probably contagious. An area where my kids and me differ somewhat is with our feelings habits. Feel free to try out this quiz that I created that helps kids (and grown-ups) identify their feelings habits: https://jamielynntatera.com/feelings-habit-animal-quiz/. If you write down your answers, you'll get a more nuanced view (for the questioners!). I'm a bear-deer-beaver mix.