Words That Build Skills
How emotion language builds emotional regulation in children
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If it seems like so many of our conversations revolve around REGULATION, that’s because it is such a huge part of being a thriving human. So much so that REGULATION is one of the five core areas of developmental science that I highlight in my book. On topic today - how do we help our kids develop the vital skill of emotion regulation? Today’s answer might be simpler than you think: it starts with language. Specifically, the language of emotions.
In my latest episode of the Raising Good Humans podcast, I spoke with Dr. Kristen Lindquist, a professor of psychology and neuroscience, about the profound impact that talking about emotions can have on a child’s ability to regulate them. It turns out, using words to label and discuss feelings is a powerful tool in a parent’s arsenal.
Professor Lindquist talks about how babies are born with a limited ability to regulate their bodily functions, including their emotional responses. As they interact with the world and their caregivers, they begin to develop more complex reactions. Parents play a crucial role in scaffolding this process.
Research shows that children whose parents talk about emotions regularly are better at regulating their own emotions and engaging socially. This simple practice of using words to label feelings translates into a child’s ability to adapt to the social and emotional world around them. It's about integrating the fluency of emotional intelligence into their lives from a young age.
So, how does this look? Let’s break it down by age group.
Infancy: Even with tiny infants, parents can start introducing emotion labels. When a baby cries, you might say, "Are you hungry? Are you uncomfortable? Are you mad?". While the baby may not understand the words yet, you're starting the process of introducing labels that their developing brain can use as an anchor.
Toddlerhood: As toddlers start to have tantrums, you can say, "Are you mad that we have to go home from the park?" When they start to produce language themselves, encourage them to label their own emotions. "Tell me how you're feeling. Are you sad that she took your toy? Are you mad?"
Older Children: As kids get older, the conversations become more complex. Professor Lindquist shared an example of her 5-year-old saying, "I feel something. I think I'm stressed in my body. And I'm upset. I don't really know what it is". This opens up an opportunity to unpack those feelings together and help them make distinctions.
Tweens & Teens: Having conversations head-on may not be the best way to connect on feelings with our tweens and teens. Instead, kids in this age group need plenty of space to feel their feelings, and then some perspective when they are ready. This may mean more listening, and less labeling. It may also mean sharing our own experiences, or the experiences of others to help them make connections outside of their personal experience.
But when is it TOO MUCH?
Many of us, surrounded by the noise of social media, find ourselves wondering…is there a point at which we're asking about feelings too much? As with most things, science tells us that we need to find middle ground. There's a balance between telling someone how they're feeling and teaching them the nuance of understanding their own signals. Instead of saying, "You are really mad," try saying, "It seems like you might be really mad. Do you think you're really mad?". This gives kids the autonomy to identify their own feelings.
Another important consideration is timing. In the heat of the moment, when a child is super upset and dysregulated, jumping in to label their feelings will likely backfire (I’m talking to the tween and teens here too!). Sometimes, it's better to take a timeout to calm down and revisit the conversation later. Distinguish between moments when your child needs language to understand their feelings and moments when they just need your presence. Sometimes, they need snuggles, and other times they need to take a break. You can even try asking them what would be most helpful.
Finally, don’t forget about temperament. Temperament plays a significant role in how children react to the world. Some children are naturally more emotionally reactive, with higher highs and lower lows. These children may benefit even more from emotion knowledge. Kids who are more sensitive to the world often do better when they have responsive caregivers who talk about emotions, but they might push back when you try to talk about feelings. In the long run though, these kids will benefit from having those tools in their tool chest.
When in doubt, use a book.
Shared book reading is an excellent opportunity to talk about emotions. For older kids, watching movies together can offer this platform as well (especially cuddled together on the couch). Use the experiences, words, even pictures in a book to ask questions like, "What do you think is happening here? Why do you think she feels that way? Have you ever felt like this?" By doing so, we are engaging our children in mental state inference, an emotional workout to help detect the thoughts and feelings of others. Mental state refers to the internal state of someone else that we can only access through their description and behavior. It's about understanding that someone else has a different experience from you. This is closely related to "theory of mind," the ability to understand that others have different thoughts, feelings, and perspectives.
What if you didn't grow up with this?
What if you didn't grow up with parents who were fluent in emotion language? The good news is that you can still develop this skill as an adult. Learning new words for emotions, reading fiction, and exposing yourself to contexts where you have to do those emotional workouts can help. Reading books with your children and discussing the emotions of the characters can benefit both of you.
Ultimately, fostering emotional regulation in children starts with creating an environment where emotions are acknowledged, discussed, and understood. There's no wrong way to do it. The fact that you're trying and engaging in these conversations is what matters most, and we are all in it together.
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As a pediatrician and a parent, I love this. Thank you for highlighting how important this is, and ways to do it.
I love the conversations I have with my 3 yo about his emotions possibly more than any other topic (and they started young, before he was verbal, as you point out – from my observing what he was going through, and how I was feeling, out loud).
He's so insightful, and it astounds me how self-aware and articulate he can be about his experiences. I learn how to be a better parent to him from his own observations about what he thinks and needs.
It’s fun to spend time with my kids labeling emotions in books and movies. I often catch myself reacting emotionally and need to model regulation because I know they are watching my behaviors much more acutely than they hear my words.