Why do we choke under pressure?
Reframing hard moments.
Thanks for reading Raising Good Humans on Substack! My first book, The Five Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans is now available for purchase here.
Why do we choke when we've rehearsed something a million times? How do we set our kids up for success in situations where performance anxiety can get the best of them?
On last week's episode of Raising Good Humans Podcast, I spoke with Dr. Sian Beilock, President of Dartmouth College and Cognitive Psychologist, and author of the book, Choke.
Here are 5 key takeaways that we can turn into immediate action.
Show our anxiety some respect.
We have talked about this and it is worth consistently reminding ourselves that anxiety isn’t all bad. Try framing anxiety as a warning system that can do your child (and you a favor). It can wake them up to a new circumstance, help oxygen and blood flow to their brain, focus them on preparation and planning, and connect us to others we need for help. If we can teach our children to have respect and gratitude for their anxiety, then we may be able to help them use it wisely instead of fighting against it. This may be a totally new frame of anxiety for you and your child!
“In our attempt to support our kids, we may accidentally remove barriers that might elevate their heart rate, make their palms sweaty, and actually set them up for a better performance.” Dr. Aliza Pressman
Focus on one thing they can control.
Uncertainty feeds worry. When humans don’t know what will happen, we spin - whether it’s needed or not. Since the unknown contributes to so much of the anxiety we feel, finding one aspect that your child can control often changes their response to a situation that scares them. This can mean focusing on someone who will be with them in a new place, or one aspect of the day that is predictable. It may also mean focusing on preparation, a process that can build confidence in the face of uncertainty and anxiety.
Practice a growth mindset.
Having a mindset that focuses on practice and progress - and even celebrates risk-taking and failure - may not be new to you, but what does this look like on a daily basis? Dr.Beilock suggests that we focus on the process. Working hard and working smart to make progress, not having more talents, or more skills. Try finding ways to focus on how your child is working, testing new strategies to work smarter (not necessarily harder), and being open to the discovery process, rather than the outcomes. We can be strategic about how to get smarter about this process so we continue to change and adapt with what we learn, but it is important to set the tone to be open to growth.
Discover how to help your child work the “right” way.
When our children ‘choke’, or fail at something they have worked towards, help them break down what they think went wrong in order to help them work “the right way.” Maybe they studied their notes, but didn’t take practice questions for the actual test. Maybe they wrote a wonderful speech, but only practiced it in the mirror and not in front of people. Try helping your children to find ways to practice the real-life conditions that will help them to be successful. Knowing what will happen in real-time can help your child to be prepared in a way that is meaningful - not only for their success but also for their own confidence and understanding. Then, when the process doesn’t work, you can help your child figure out what they could have practiced that may have helped, instead of taking that loss personally, or as a reflection of their abilities.
“Really thinking about how you study and how you prepare is one of the undervalued keys to success.” Dr. Sian Beilock
Allow discomfort.
Making sure our children know that yucky feelings are OK is a key component in helping them to take on challenges and work through hard moments. As I always say, all feelings are OK. We need our children to accept that feelings are not dangerous, that they will and should experience all of them, and that they are all temporary. When we see our children struggling, we can frame these feelings as normal, provide empathy, and then allow our children to work through them. Saying something like, “I know it doesn’t feel good to fail, but it won’t last forever and it is OK to feel disappointed” can help your child not to fear these hard feelings, but to understand them. This also means that we, as parents, have to sit with our own discomfort as we watch our children take risks and potentially fail. Resisting our own urges to jump in is a key part to growing children who can gain experiences on their own.
A quick reminder to buy my first book, The Five Principles of Parenting, and write a review from wherever you order. Reviews really help to get the book noticed, and to spread the word. Please especially rate and review any books purchased on Amazon (it shockingly really, really matters!). Also, when you receive the book, snap a quick pic with it and post on social media. Share one thing you love about it and help me to get more copies into the hands of parents in your community. Tell a friend about the book, or about something you found helpful in the book. Parents look to each other for advice, and I’d love to be a part of the support you pass on to your loved ones.