Why and How to Walk Back Phone and Social Media Access, and Keep Connecting
Taking Back Our Parent Role
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After giving a talk on the impact of technology on our kids and the concerns we all share about the role of smartphones and particularly social media, I received the following listener question (which I have abbreviated a bit for these purposes):
With this generation of teens being guinea pigs for being the first to grow up with cell phones, I’m wondering if you have advice on how to keep connecting in person AND go back to reasonable limits… We gave my now freshman son a smart phone in 6th grade as it seemed like the social norm… What has evolved is a boy that is fiercely independent to do his own thing and yet dependent on his phone to an extreme… It no longer feels like an option to take the phone away, limit screen time (we cut everything at bedtime) because this causes such huge turmoil and I’m not even sure what that looks like…
This question speaks to what so many parents are experiencing. In fact, I am often concerned that many of us, while attempting to be helpful, may be contributing to the anxiety and stress parents feel, as each new piece of data comes out. And while we might worry that it is “too late” for our teenagers, or that “the ship has already sailed” in our ability to parent them through this new digital age, that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Remember that parents retain the right to walk back access to phones and social media, frankly, as long as they are paying for that phone and making the rules of the household. This isn't about being authoritarian; it's about being authoritative. It is about fulfilling our responsibility to protect our child's well-being and guide them towards responsible technology use. Any technology your child has is actually YOURS. It is on loan to them, but it is hardly theirs to use however they would like to.
Here's why it’s worth trying to reclaim this narrative. Adolescent brains are still developing, particularly the prefrontal cortex responsible for decision-making, impulse control, and emotional regulation. Excessive screen time can interfere with this development, leading to difficulties with attention, focus, and emotional stability. For the love of the brain, teenagers need you to chaperone technology-use, the way you do for many other areas of their lives. No, it isn’t drinking or drug use (those comparisons are unfair), but it is akin to other risk-taking or potentially unhealthy behaviors like driving, or junk food. Some limits are crucial and can and do make sense.
It is also true that studies have linked excessive social media use to increased anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem, particularly in young people. While the data does not prove causation (that social media is actually causing mental health issues), there is a definite correlation between the two. That means that parents have a responsibility to consider other aspects of a child’s mental health in relation to phone use. A child who is doing well across the board - friends, academics, extracurriculars - does not run the same “risk” that a device may have for a child who is already struggling. Knowing your own child is essential to being the filter that ONLY you can be.
There are also safety concerns to consider in your role in monitoring and mentoring technology use. Online predators, unhealthy content, addiction-related messaging, and even sleep deprivation can all contribute to your child’s overall health and safety. There are valid and serious reasons to get involved in your child’s online behavior at any age - and after any amount of time.
Here are 5 strategies to walk back technology access if you feel that is right for your family:
Start with clear expectations. This is communication 101, and it is NEVER redundant. We are “allowed” and encouraged to talk, and talk, and talk about technology use in a way that works for our family. If what you have tried, or done, is no longer working based on what you are seeing from your child, it is time to put that back in the open. Establish a family media plan (I have some detailed suggestions in the book on page 311) that involves your child in creating rules for screen time, app usage, and online behavior. Go into this discussion willing to negotiate within reasonable limits. There are subtleties in creating these plans, and your child’s perspective is not irrelevant. Having a collaborative approach fosters a sense of ownership and responsibility, and makes it possible for you to set clear consequences if the contract is broken. It also means that you can connect behaviors that you are worried about (for example loss of eye-contact, socialization, slipping grades, or lack of physical activity) directly to technology use.
Gradually reduce use from where you are. No matter what you are up against, there is an approach that can gradually get you to a place you feel good about. This does not need to be cold turkey (it can be), but can start with slow and small steps backwards. This may mean you use parental control apps to set individual app time limits and monitor usage, designate device-free zones in the house, such as the dinner table and bedrooms, and encourage family time and face-to-face interactions. You can also implement regular digital detox days or weekends, where the entire family takes a break from screens. Know that your child may experience withdrawal symptoms, such as irritability, anxiety, and boredom, and be prepared to support those with empathy and alternative engagement.
Listen and accept all of the feelings. Setting a limit does NOT mean that your child has to like it. In fact, the nature of limits is that they are NOT going to elicit warm fuzzy feelings. Expect some resistance, especially if your child is used to unrestricted access. Be prepared to listen to your child's concerns and address them with empathy. You can hear their distress and survive it! Acknowledge their feelings, make space for their arguments, and remain firm and consistent in enforcing the agreed-upon rules. And while it may feel like their angst is insurmountable, know that you can support them through to the other side by being present, consistent, and sensitive. It isn’t easy - seeing our children in distress never is - the end result is worth the effort.
Find new ways to connect. Creating ways to support time-off of devices is another part of the recipe for success. This may mean more prescribed family time (where you adhere to healthy tech boundaries as well, ah-ahem), or offline activities such as sports and other hobbies. Once kids are engaged in time elsewhere, the dependency on screens can lift, but it isn't instant. Try enforcing community service requirements and getting them out and in-person with those in need, taking up a new sport or activity (where there is notpressure to perform), or encouraging a part-time job. These can all be ways to increase the “other time” that creates a healthy balance with screentime.
Adapt as they mature. As you now know, the landscape around technology is constantly changing. Every day there is a new app, a new feature, a new study. BUT, it is important to remember that your child is changing, too. Adjust your approach and expectations as your child matures, and gradually grant more freedom and responsibility as they demonstrate responsible technology use. Use the evidence you have (social participation, academics, etc.) to continue to have open and honest conversations about technology and its impact on their lives.
Finally, it feels necessary to acknowledge that no matter what you decide, peer pressure can make it challenging to limit social media access. Help your child develop strategies for managing social pressure and making healthy choices, and remember that you are not everyone’s parent! While the ideal may be to make choices on a community level (for example at schools or within friendship groups), you can set limits for your own family. Don’t conflate worries about social acceptance with what you are seeing and sensing at home. This isn’t a popularity contest, and making hard choices means accepting the discomfort that comes with standing out. Keeping communication open and revising privileges regularly can help, as can doing your own work to understand the ins and outs of media usage.
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