When is Quitting OK?

There’s no one right answer

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Questions around quitting come up all the time for parents. Do we push? Do we allow it? How does quitting impact motivation or resilience? Like all things parenting, there is no one right answer. Understanding whether to let your child quit an activity is all about the subtleties of each of our families and circumstances.

In this excerpt from the book (get one here!!!), I’m answering a question related to quitting that I know you’ll relate to. 

Question: My daughter wants to quit soccer, but she’s really good at it! Should I let her give it all up?

Answer: When your child wants to quit an activity, try not to jump to conclusions, but ask them open-ended questions like “What’s up?” and validate the feelings by saying something like, “That sounds hard and frustrating” (Relationship, Reflection). Hold off on making a hasty decision. Maybe they can try it a few more times. As psychologist Angela Duckworth reminds us in her bestselling book Grit, “Don’t quit on a bad day.” See if you can figure out their motives for wanting to quit by talking to their coach or observing the class. When you’ve got a better understanding of what’s going on, you may be in a better position to brainstorm with your child about ways to stick with the activity until the end of the season or when reaching another natural stopping point.

Ultimately, when it comes to whether we should let our children quit something, the decision depends on them—taking into account their age, temperament, and interests; their reasons for wanting out; their goals for participating in the first place; and the “fit” of the class itself. If you spent money on something they agreed to do and you told them they could do, it makes total sense to explain at the start that it’s a semester-long commitment (or whatever it is). Then you can say, “We are still going to keep going until X date,” and maybe if they don’t want to join in they can just watch. Likewise, if their teammates are counting on them you can say, “You’ve got to show up for X number of games.”

As parents, we can give ourselves a pass if we have one thing we just feel invested in that our kids learn—maybe you always wished you knew how to play tennis or always felt a little bad that your parents let you quit piano. It’s okay to push your kids to continue that one thing. You can say, “Look I’m pulling rank as a parent and making you do this because I just have a feeling you will be the better for it. I totally recognize that I’m imposing my own childhood wishes on you in this moment.” But choose wisely, because if you do that with tennis and piano and karate, now it’s going to start looking like you’re living vicariously through your child and not allowing them to focus on their own interests (Reflection).

Of course, waning enthusiasm in anything is to be expected and often, after doing some detective work, you’ll uncover easy ways to tweak the experience so your child feels more comfortable, in control, confident, and so on, in at least sticking with things until the natural end. 

Normalize Moving On

Decisions about whether to let young children quit things aren’t as weighty as they often feel. Toddlers, preschoolers, and even school-age children don’t have a real sense yet of what they’re interested in, so it’s natural that they might be super excited to try something out, only to find that it’s just “not their thing.” We don’t want specialists; we want kids to try stuff out and then move on if it doesn’t suit them. That’s different from quitting every time something is a little uncomfortable.

If your child wants out of an activity—and after some investigation and weighing the pros and cons, you decide to let them quit—it doesn’t mean they’ll probably drop out of college, too, or that you’re raising a “quitter.” As kids get older, you can make ad- vance plans when they decide to sign up for something for how long to commit to it and what the plan is for deciding if it’s time to let go. 

A quick reminder to buy my first book, The Five Principles of Parenting, and write a review from wherever you order. Reviews really help to get the book noticed, and to spread the word. Please especially rate and review any books purchased on Amazon (it shockingly really, really matters!). Also, when you receive the book, snap a quick pic with it and post on social media. Share one thing you love about it and help me to get more copies into the hands of parents in your community. Tell a friend about the book, or about something you found helpful in the book. Parents look to each other for advice, and I’d love to be a part of the support you pass on to your loved ones.