What’s your passcode?
Calming your own internal alarm system
Thanks for reading Raising Good Humans on Substack! My first book, The Five Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans is now available for purchase here.
Inspired by my new book, and this week’s episode of the Raising Good Humans Podcast, featuring Dr. Lisa Damour and Reena Ninan, I’m resharing this concept of finding the passcode to your internal alarm system. Co-regulation is a key component of the principle of Regulation, and is something that we can all work on, as a gift to our children.
It goes without saying that co-regulation is hard, because self-regulation is hard. It is extremely difficult for many of us to regulate ourselves when faced with tremendous stress. Our busy lives, our work, our own history, and our day-to-day worries all make regulating ourselves a challenge. But regulating ourselves doesn’t have to be a pie-in-the-sky wish. Instead, it can be a goal we can continue to work on in the service of our children and get stronger at, each day. There is even research that co-regulation is especially beneficial to parents experiencing extreme and cumulative stressors, both by strengthening the attachment relationship, and by supporting parental mental health and well-being.
When I moved into my first house and got an alarm system, I was shocked to discover that the little box I casually armed and disarmed each day was the perfect metaphor for my stress response.
Just like a passcode, entered to prevent alerting the police, fire department or other authorities, we all need a way to stop ourselves from being flooded by a stress response in a trying moment.
“If what a kid says really stings, there's a decent chance they actually landed on a tender spot for you.” -Dr. Lisa Damour
What is the stress response?
It’s your body responding to a perceived threat. It’s important and we need it for survival, but sometimes, it sends false alarms. The autonomic nervous system that regulates your body's response has 2 parts - the sympathetic and parasympathetic branches. When your system is flooded, the sympathetic branch wins out, and as our body perceives danger, all systems fire to alert the authorities (I’m back to that alarm system). A surge of hormones, like adrenaline, cortisol and norepinephrine, causes a host of physical symptoms like a racing heart, dry mouth, dizziness, sweating, and elevated blood pressure. Even your gut health can be impacted, as stress can slow digestion.
If there was a bear chasing us, this would be incredibly helpful, but unfortunately your amygdala isn’t great at telling the difference between a predator on the horizon and a messy toddler spilling milk on your laptop. One will kill you, the other just stinks.
But your stress response isn’t easy to shut off. And the more often you experience this stress response, the more active it becomes (practice makes anything, even a negative habit, grow stronger). So, getting in front of it takes time, focus and lots of repetition. Getting your body to return to a resting state means trying “passcode” techniques like these. For each of us, this passcode will be unique, but as I talk about, extensively, in the book (pages 8 & 9), you can use BALANCE to help get started.
BREATHE. Your brain can’t be in fight, flight or freeze mode AND be taking deep breaths. It isn’t possible. As blood flows back to your brain while you breathe, the parasympathetic system is re-engaged and you will think more clearly. Even 1 breath can be a game changer in your stress response. It’s a physiological way of saying, “All’s quiet, no threat. In fact, the threat is so minimal that you have time to take a deep breath.”
ACKNOWLEDGE. Ask yourself, “What is this moment bringing up for me?” Take a moment to reflect on what you are experiencing in your reaction. No judgment here.
LET IT GO. There will be plenty of time later for you to unpack your own baggage. When you let go of the past and future this moment is bringing up, you can focus on the present.
ASSESS. Take stock of the present moment. Gauge your own and your child’s state of mind - calm, curious, frantic, distraught?
NOTICE. Observe what is going on in your own body and your child’s body. What are the bodies present here and now trying to tell you?
CONNECT. Let your child know verbally, or with your body, that you see them and care about their feelings.
ENGAGE. Now that you’re in balance, you can decide which response you wish to throw your weight behind. If your child is yelling, you won’t yell at them to stop yelling; you’ll say it calmly, with authority. No matter what the parenting dilemma, your self-regulation is going to help you identify and respond in the space between permissiveness and tyranny.
I hope this helps you to find your own “passcode,” and some new strategies to turn off the unnecessary alarms in your day.
A quick reminder to buy my first book, The Five Principles of Parenting, and write a review from wherever you order. Reviews really help to get the book noticed, and to spread the word. Please especially rate and review any books purchased on Amazon (it shockingly really, really matters!). Also, when you receive the book, snap a quick pic with it and post on social media. Share one thing you love about it and help me to get more copies into the hands of parents in your community. Tell a friend about the book, or about something you found helpful in the book. Parents look to each other for advice, and I’d love to be a part of the support you pass on to your loved ones.
My passcode was deep sighing. 🙂