Thanks for reading Raising Good Humans on Substack! My first book, The Five Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans is now available for purchase here.
Sometimes it is hard for me to turn off my brain, as both a parent and an expert in this field. The noise around parenting - around the very human experience of navigating the difficult waters of preparing our children for the world we live in - is so loud. The chaos is so consuming. I feel it, and of course, I worry that my field contributes to it.
On this week’s episode of the Raising Good Humans Podcast, featuring Dr. Tracy Dennis-Tiwary, we talk about the confusing messages of the parenting industry. How are we pressuring parents, and then their children, in the way we talk about and interpret the data we consume?
One of the aspects we discussed that felt so on point for me, and where I see so many parents struggling right now, is the idea of building a “brand” for our children.
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary (I know, I’m old), BRAND is defined as “a public image, reputation, or identity conceived of as something to be marketed or promoted.” What on earth does this have to do with our kids?
As Dr. Dennis-Tiwary puts it, we live in a world of efficiency and of optimization. We are working to do more, be better, learn faster, share information - and spit out happier people. But, for most of us, that just isn’t working.
“The obsession with better - whether it is success, mental health, physical appearance, etc. - is making us sick.” Dr. Dennis-Tiwary
When parents come to me saying they are concerned that their child hasn’t “found their thing,” what they so often mean is that they haven’t found what makes them exceptional. What their selling point should be. In our widely accepted role as COO parents - an archetype that Dr. Dennis-Tiwary speaks to in her upcoming book and also on her excellent Substack - most of us believe that it is our job to help our children reach their fullest potential. That we must curate, mold, craft, create, the perfect resume for them. That we must help to define their brand and sell it to others.
“I think we really believe that our job as parents is to help our children reach their fullest potential, and that if we are not helping with that optimization, we are not good parents.” Dr. Aliza Pressman
Surrounded by more information - much of it well-meaning and high quality - we still can’t make sense of the basics of showing up for our kids without adding to the burden of achievement pressure. We are drowning in disconnected tid-bits of information - do this, try that, say this, never say that - that confuses and paralyzes us. This advice is disconnected from our values, from our humanity, and from the big picture of our relationships and connection. While we need a framework, we also cannot expect to find the answer to “How do I raise a perfect child?” from an Instagram account.
“I think we are desperately hoping that if we get enough information, parenting will stop being hard. It is never gonna stop being hard.” Dr. Aliza Pressman
The idea of optimization, of expecting that we can input the right characteristics and guarantee an outcome, is one that many parents can relate to. We pour in the ingredients we know our children need, and expect a return on that investment. We expect excellence, efficiency, and success. No matter who our child actually is. Does this make us bad people? Certainly not. Does it work? The high rates of burnout among young people suggest it does not.
“Optimization is good for robots, but it is really bad for humans. Optimization is an engineering term about how you minimize an input or maximize an output. And that is not how humans work at all.” Dr. Dennis-Tiwary
Of course, we know deep down that having our child find their own joy, their own path, their own identity, must be more important than their outcomes. We know that mattering matters. We know that our children are more than the sum of their parts. So how do we act on that?
“The beautiful messiness of being a human is what makes us so much more interesting as people and parents.” Dr. Aliza Pressman
I’m hesitant to end this piece with tips, since I want a moment of your time not to be filled with to-dos. But, as with my episodes, my book, and my Substack, I hope these simple takeaways inspire you to think on this issue, and find a way to make the type of changes that alleviate some of the “brand marketing” we all do as parents. To start the school year with a new breath, a new pattern, and potentially a new mindset.
Focus on your family values. Think through what truly matters to you as humans. Perhaps you ask yourself, “What actually makes a good life?” and allow yourself to be surprised by the answers. Commit to help those values show up in your conversations with your children AND align with your behavior.
Get to know your child again. Not for what they did last school year, or who they were before, but for who they are right now. What makes them tick, how do they feel, where do they need challenges, where do they need rest? Be open to their change and evolution in the way that you would want them to understand yours. You are not the parent you were when they were infants.
Take a break. When you need to get off the hamster wheel of achievement, pressure, stress, and madness, do it. Remember to keep your own tank full, to recalibrate when you can, and to share simple joys with your kids without an agenda. It’s harder than it looks and more important than you think.
A quick reminder to buy my first book, The Five Principles of Parenting, and write a review from wherever you order. Reviews really help to get the book noticed, and to spread the word. Please especially rate and review any books purchased on Amazon (it shockingly really, really matters!). Also, when you receive the book, snap a quick pic with it and post on social media. Share one thing you love about it and help me to get more copies into the hands of parents in your community. Tell a friend about the book, or about something you found helpful in the book. Parents look to each other for advice, and I’d love to be a part of the support you pass on to your loved ones.
Keep in mind, that before marketing co-opted the word "Brand" its original meaning is connected to making a mark to claim ownership...i.e. cattle, slaves. We don't brand humans anymore because we know it's dehumanizing and degrading.
Amen. Love this so much, and it’s exactly what I needed to hear right now.