Using the 5 R’s to Avoid Perfectionist Parenting

Having a Perfect Parent is Burdensome to Your Kids

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Did the subtitle get your attention? Are you kind of annoyed because now I just named yet another thing you might not be doing perfectly? Are you increasingly exhausted by the demands of parenting? Feeling paralyzed in daily decisions? Failing to get things done no matter how hard you work? Berating yourself with a constant stream of judgment and criticism? Scared that you’re damaging your child at every turn? You may be a perfectionist parent.

I’ve talked about perfectionist parenting before and how it is on the rise across this country. The parenting “industry” (of which I am a hesitant member) tells us each day about what we should be doing, must be doing, could be doing, to raise happier, healthier, faster, stronger, smarter, even more talented children. BUT VERY LITTLE OF THAT IS TRUE. I wrote my first book, The Five Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans, because I wanted to return the focus to the basics that our children need. The 5 R’s - Relationship, Reflection, Regulation, Rules, and Repair - are research-backed, easy to remember, and a simple way to keep expectations and demands on your role as a parent in check. Though we are an important part of our children’s growth and development - we are NOT everything. And though we may influence our child through our actions and behaviors - we CANNOT control who they become.

Here is my take on using the 5 R’s to manage perfectionist parenting.

Relationship. 

Remind yourself that a perfect parent is not a gift for children, it’s a burden. Imagine if the person you looked at as the embodiment of adulthood presented as perfect. How would you accept your imperfect self as you came to realize you could never live up to that standard? As a famous pediatrician Donald Winnicott said, “I would rather be the child of a mother who has all the inner conflicts of the human being than be mothered by someone for whom all is easy and smooth, who knows all the answers, and is a stranger to doubt.”

Reflection. 

Have some self-compassion. Honestly assess your strengths and weaknesses as a parent, and offer yourself forgiveness. Create a mantra to tell yourself when you’re down like, “This is what I can do right now, and whatever happens is OK.”

Regulation. 

Remind yourself that you cannot care for others if you aren’t caring for yourself. Putting time and effort into your own nervous system, making sure that you breathe, rest, regain composure, and take a pause, can help you to accomplish more, not less.

Rules. 

Set boundaries that help you filter out the noise. Stop comparisons with others. Get off any social media accounts that make you feel judged about your parenting! Avoid any parent related content that adds to your guilt, stress or fear around the job that you are doing, and lean into trusted sources. Have faith that there are many routes to a happy family and that no one answer works for everyone.

Repair. 

Talk about your failures and what you’ve learned from them. Let your children see you make mistakes and then recover. Talk about what you learn from failing and let them see you dust yourself off and try again.

And…for more on the 5 Principles - and why I wrote this book - check out the latest episode of the Raising Good Humans Podcast.

A quick reminder to pre-order my first book, The Five Principles of Parenting! In it, I’m helping you to translate science into everyday challenges, and when you pre-order you get special benefits - including a virtual seminar, and custom content specifically made for you. AND when you pre-order, you are helping me SO MUCH. Every single person who pre-orders the book, helps book sellers and shops to see that demand is high and convince them to stock The Five Principles of Parenting on their shelves. I need your help to make sure that happens, and so I promise special benefits to make it worth taking the lap to pre-order today.