Unlocking Joyful, Healthy Achievement in Our Kids This Year
A special back-to-school newsletter
Thanks for reading Raising Good Humans on Substack! My first book, The Five Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans is now available for preorder here. All pre-orders will allow for access to exclusive LIVE events and will be eligible for exclusive bonus content this Fall. I am SO GRATEFUL for you and SO excited to get this book out into the world!
This week’s episode of Raising Good Humans is about how we can cultivate a healthy sense of achievement within our kids. For this special back-to-school newsletter, I interviewed journalist Jennifer Wallace, who has just written a new book called Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic - And What We Can Do About It.
What drew you to write a book on achievement pressure?
Before the pandemic, I wrote an article for the Washington Post citing two national reports that found students attending what researchers call “high-achieving schools” —competitive public and private schools with high standardized test scores and rich extracurricular and academic offerings— are experiencing higher rates of behavioral and mental health problems compared with national norms. Researchers found that these students are two to six times more likely to suffer from clinical levels of anxiety and depression, and more likely to abuse substances than the average American teen.
I have three teenagers of my own who attend competitive schools. I have seen achievement pressure up close in my own home and in the families around me. So, while I wrote this book for parents, I also wrote it for myself. I wanted to know how to raise healthy, joyful achievers in a culture that often tells us you have to choose between those two outcomes.
You conducted years of research in reporting this book. Can you tell us a little about what you found?
For the book, I went in search of kids who were thriving despite the pressures of our achievement culture. What buffers do they have in their lives to cope with stress? What did their parents focus on at home? What was school like for them? What if anything do these healthy strivers have in common?
It turns out, they have a lot in common. I detail it all in my book. But, in short, it boils down to this: The kids I met who were thriving emotionally and academically had a deep sense that they were valued by their parents, schools, and larger community. They felt like they mattered.
Can you tell us a little bit about “mattering”?
Mattering is the deep human need we all have to feel significant, seen, and understood by those around us. As long as we live, this need to matter never goes away. Researchers say mattering at the core of what makes us human and what makes our lives meaningful: do people notice me, care about me, and do I make an impact on others' lives?
Growing research that began in the 1980s found that mattering was the foundation for healthy self-esteem of young people. When adolescents know that they are loved and valued for who they are at their core, they enjoy a kind of protective shield that buffers against the stress and anxiety in their environment. Importantly, to fully matter, we need to add meaningful value to others too. That’s what gives us “social proof” that we matter. The mattering framework now guides my interactions with my kids. I’m more deliberate about the messages I send my kids and how I want to feel around me.
Can you give us a few examples of how mattering and researching this book has changed your parenting?
It’s changed my parenting in so many ways. I detail them all in the book, but here are a few:
I’ve worked to make our home a “mattering haven.” Because our kids are bombarded with messages on the importance of achievement from teachers, coaches, colleges, peers, and society, I’ve realized that home needs to be a haven from that pressure. So, at home, mattering is at the top of my agenda. I remind my kids daily how much I love them, unequivocally, and that their worth is unchangeable.
I’m careful to avoid sending mixed signals. Critical words have as much as three times more of an effect on a child than words of praise or affection. One psychologist I spoke to taught me what I now call the “puppy dog effect,” where you greet your child at least once a day the way a dog greets its owner, with utter joy and unconditional love. I do a version of this every day with each of my kids, and it’s powerful.
Our family has a volunteer mandate. High achieving kids often don’t have time to give back to others. But, I have realized that my kids thrive when they are depended on to contribute in meaningful ways to impact people’s lives. Our family now has a volunteer mandate. My role, I’ve come to realize, is to help them match their strengths—what they’re good at and what is meaningful to them—to a greater need in the world.
I’ve stopped telling my kids that I just want them to be happy. I want more for them. Happiness and well-being, I’ve come to realize, are the byproduct of living a life where we feel valued and add value to others. I want them to equip them to live a life of powerful meaning: a life that matters to others.
For anyone who pre-orders the book, you’ve created some really good exclusive content. Can you tell us how to preorder the book?
Yes, if you preorder the book and then head to my website, I’ll send you “The Secrets of the Healthy Strivers” and “Messages of Mattering,” scripts parents can use to send the message in words and actions that their kids matter deeply to them. My publisher is also giving the Intro and Chapter 1 to early readers. Just preorder the book on Barnes & Noble, Amazon or anywhere you buy your books, and then head over to my website here.
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One more message from me….
A quick reminder to pre-order my first book, The Five Principles of Parenting! In it, I’m helping you to translate science into everyday challenges, and when you pre-order you get special benefits - including a virtual seminar, and custom content specifically made for you. AND when you pre-order, you are helping me SO MUCH. Every single person who pre-orders the book, helps book sellers and shops to see that demand is high and convince them to stock The Five Principles of Parenting on their shelves. I need your help to make sure that happens, and so I promise special benefits to make it worth taking the lap to pre-order today.