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In this week’s episode of the Raising Good Humans Podcast, I had the opportunity to sit down with Dr. David Yeager, professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, co-founder of the Texas Behavioral Science and Policy Institute, and author of the new book, 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People. Dr. Yeager has conducted research alongside giants like Carol Dweck, Angela Duckworth, and Greg Walton on short but powerful interventions that influence adolescent behaviors such as motivation, engagement, and more.
Here are some key takeaways from this discussion, and practical tools to implement with your tweens and teens today.
We’ve gotten confused about the point of adolescence.
While it may be instinctual for many of us to want to protect our young people from an uncertain world, or to help keep things stable for them to increase their confidence, that isn’t what the adolescent period really calls for. By presuming that teenagers are sensitive or fragile, we may be accidentally preventing them from the challenges they need to feel like they add value, to feel important, and to know that they can establish a reputation of competence. Adolescents need to feel that they have control over their choices and actions. Encourage them to take responsibility for their decisions, whether it’s related to their studies, hobbies, or social life, and foster a sense of ownership and accountability.
“Adolescence is the period where you stop being taken care of by your adults, and you learn how to contribute to your group, so that you can be the adult who keeps the tribe alive.” Dr. David Yeager
We say motivation when we mean obedience.
Just because our teens don’t do what we say, that does not necessarily mean they are unmotivated. When it comes to sneaking out to a party, or doing a project with a friend, it is possible that our teens are HIGHLY motivated. That’s why it is essential to align tasks with our children’s goals, and not just our own. Adolescents often struggle to see the relevance of what they are learning in school or other settings. Help them connect their studies to real-life applications and future aspirations. If we can make something matter to them, they are more likely to find the motivation to do it. This may mean using logic, connecting two unrelated tasks, or presenting data - but it always involves trying to find a solution together. Take the time to discover what excites and inspires them, and what ignites their natural motivation. This may mean taking the time to ask questions, observe their behavior, and explore new activities together.
“What do we mean by unmotivated? Usually what we mean is unmotivated to do what the adult says the first time the adult asks, with no explanation.” Dr. David Yeager
Having a fixed mindset or anxiety can interfere with motivation.
In the episode, we focus on two of the most common barriers to motivation. One is fear - mostly around looking dumb or messing up in front of others. To address this, we need to focus on strategies to help change their perception, work on “what-if” scenarios, and help stop the cycle of doomsday thinking that our teens can easily slip into. Encourage everyone in the house to view challenges as opportunities for growth and to embrace the process of learning rather than focusing solely on the outcome.
The other scenario is when anxiety makes our teens feel like they need to stop. It’s the story they tell themselves about their anxiety that makes such a difference for our teens. How can we reframe their natural warning system as helping them to prepare, waking them up to change, or even propelling them into seeking help when they need it. Anxiety can be a superpower if we can frame it that way.
“In the moments where emotions are at their highest, and children doubt themselves the most, a timely message to help kids reinterpret that frustration and difficulty, as a way to help them overcome a difficult experience, is an amazing teacher.” Dr. David Yeager
Rethinking our tone, word choice, and strategy can improve our impact.
How we present a problem to our teens is an essential part of the motivation puzzle. Can we find a way to help them feel successful? To inspire instead of criticize? To guide without forcing? What we say can make a difference in how information is received. That means a little more attention to our own regulation, and a little more planning on the approach. Of course, you don’t need a script, you just need a moment to get your own nervous system in check and some time for strategy.
“The mentor mindset: the combination of very high standards and very high support, so that anyone can meet the standard.” Dr. David Yeager
Repair is always possible.
As I always say (Repair is one of the 5 principles after all), repair is one of the most important parts of the parenting journey. Modeling for your child that you are human, that you make mistakes, and that you are also working to improve and grow, shows your own growth mindset. It also builds genuine and authentic connection, and teaches our children about how real relationships work. When our children understand our own struggles, they increase their ability to relate to us, to motivate themselves to succeed, and to push themselves to understand change.
“If you didn't have any do-overs, your kids would feel that the expectation is always getting it right.” Dr. Aliza Pressman
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