Understanding Parenting Styles
Where do you fit?
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In my recent episode (Season 2 episode 51) with Dr. Tina Payne Bryson we refer to something called “parenting styles.”
In the context of developmental research, “parenting style” refers to the psychological construct that explains a particular approach to parenting. Originally constructed by Dr. Diana Baumarind, 3 parenting styles (a fourth style of “uninvolved/neglectful was subsequently added to by researchers but we won’t talk about that in a parenting newsletter because if you are reading this, you definitely do not fall into that category) were identified. These parenting styles are measured in terms of the balance of 2 dimensions, limits and sensitivity. These broad parenting styles can be useful to see where you land and help keep a north star for your parenting intentions. It is important to note, however, that more understanding is needed as to how these translate across cultures and outside of the United States.
Your parenting style is not meant to be fixed, or developed in isolation from your child. As we know from the concept of “goodness of fit,” there are many factors that influence how a child and parent interact. Importantly, your child’s unique temperament - or the way in which they see and experience the world - and that of your own, need to find a way to communicate effectively. If your child is highly sensitive and you are not, understanding this difference may be essential to keeping the temperature in your house down. If parents are sensitive to their child’s temperament and can recognize their child’s unique strengths, it may make family life smoother. On the other hand, a “poor fit” between the child’s temperament and expectations of their caregivers, is one of the most common sources of parent–child distress and of reactive behavior problems in children.
The key is to try and find the right balance to satisfy both you AND your child, and to help keep the family in sync as much as possible.
When “goodness of fit” occurs, positive child development can be anticipated. This is also true for the parent-child relationship, and the protective factor that a strong bond can play in your child’s life. Knowing that you are safe, seen, secure, and that your needs will be met, allows your child to successfully weather many of the storms that life brings. The power of your connection literally builds connections in their brains, and strengthens their resilience and coping skills for a lifetime.
While we may have tendencies in our behavior, it is important to note that we often combine various styles in our day to day approach, and that few of us fit neatly into one category 100% of the time. Ultimately, my recommendations tend to present quite closely with what is called authoritative parenting, but how you translate what that means will evolve with context, culture and temperament.
The Categories:
Categorizing parents according to whether they are high or low on parental sensitivity and demandingness (think of demandingness as limit setting, control and boundaries) creates a typology of four parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and uninvolved.
Authoritarian
Parents are highly demanding but not responsive.
Obedience oriented, strict and controlling.
“Because I said so” parenting that leaves little to discussion.
Expectation that children can not disagree with authority figure.
Authoritative
Parents are both demanding and responsive.
Clear standards for their children’s conduct, expressed with warmth.
Rely on natural consequences to teach children how to learn from making their own mistakes.
Explanation around why rules are important.
Even when they disagree, willing to listen to their children’s point of view and compromise.
Permissive/indulgent
Parents are more responsive than they are demanding.
“Indulgent parents” who have few limits on their child’s behavior.
Allow children to set their own rules, schedules and activities.
Do little to share their own views on behavior and discipline.
Uninvolved
Parents are low in both responsiveness and demandingness.
In extreme cases, this parenting style might entail neglect and rejection.
Those parents are not reading this newsletter.
Likely, you see yourself in many of these categories depending on the issue or topic. For example, some of us feel strongly about manners but are less rigid around other aspects of behavior. Some of us want compliance around certain issues (or for safety), but choose to promote autonomy around others.
That’s why the research suggests that the Authoritarian style - a blend of limits and sensitivity (or demands and responsiveness) - is associated with the most positive outcomes for children, relational and intellectual.
It is an ever moving balance between compliance and autonomy, limits and sensitivity, your temperament and theirs, and the influence of all the external factors that impact our parenting environment everyday.
I hope this article gave you some context so that you can gain insight into your parenting style, think about how your parents parented, and imagine what your goals are. I’d love to hear more about how you’re doing. Leave a comment, send an email, or DM me. This community is here for you.
Warmly,
Thanks for being a part of Raising Good Humans. We are in this together.