Understanding Our Children’s Moral Development
When our kids act out, it can be helpful to understand where they’re coming from developmentally.
Today’s episode of the Raising Good Humans Podcast features chapter 11 of my book, The 5 Principles of Parenting. Having an overall understanding of our baseline goals around discipline and where our kids are developmentally, can help keep us grounded as we meet daily and expected challenges.
Below is an excerpt of Chapter 11 that focuses on understanding moral development. I hope you enjoy it, and I’d love to hear about your discipline challenges in my next Ask Me Anything Parent Group for premium subscribers. Upgrade your account today to be there, or if you’re already a premium subscriber (thank you!), check your email for the monthly calendar invites!
AND, if you prefer listening to the book rather than reading it, the audio version is now available!
American psychologist Dr. Lawrence Kohlberg has a theory of moral development that gives us insight into the decision-making process when humans are presented with moral choices. This can help us manage our expectations by considering not our moral understanding (e.g., only a selfish brat would steal that toy from his sister) but, rather, the understanding of a particular child’s developmental phase, cognitively and ethically.
Kohlberg interviewed people of various ages and analyzed how they justified their behavior when faced with moral decisions, and he came up with six stages humans typically go through as we mature. He called the first two stages preconventional morality, the next two stages conventional morality, and the last two stages postconventional morality. Before our kids become teens, they grow through the first four stages. As adults, they may mature into postconventional morality.
Preconventional Morality
Preconventional morals are typical in childhood through about age nine, and among adolescents and adults when under pressure. The preconventional stages are as follows:
Stage 1: Obedience and Punishment. In this orientation, humans figure that if they get punished for something, it must be bad and if they get rewarded, it must be good. An example of leaning into preconventional morality is when a kindergarten teacher tells students that they are not allowed to leave the classroom during class time or they will have their name put on the board. Because the rule has an associated punishment, most kids will obey it without thinking about the whys and the nuances of the rule.
Stage 2: Self-interest, Individualism, and Exchange. At this second level, humans are driven by fear, reward, and self-interest. Think about it for yourself: What would make you override the fear of punishment when you were making a decision that might get you in trouble? Your answer might be on the high road because you’re much further along in your development, but sometimes the answer is going to be more basic: there’s something in it for me. As for children, it’s completely normal and appropriate for them to weigh fear of punishment with self-interest.
Conventional Morality
Humans tend to develop into the conventional level of morality at around age nine and stay here at least through adolescence.
Stage 3: Interpersonal Accord and Conformity. At this stage, it’s developmentally appropriate for kids to start caring what other people think. They also internalize the moral standards of their adult role models. Often that’s you, but if tweens seem unexpectedly conventional, approval seeking, or suddenly embarrassed about the things that make your family unique, know that they’re just doing their developmental work as they learn more sophisticated ways of navigating social norms.
Stage 4: Maintaining Social Order. This is a super-interesting stage when children really come into their understanding of the wider rules of society. Their judgments take into account concerns for obeying the Rules in order to uphold law and order, and avoiding guilt. Authority is internalized and not questioned, unless that questioning is really a part of their culture or subculture.
Postconventional Morality
Postconventional morality is rare among adolescents and slightly less rare among adults. Kohlberg established that only 10 to 15 percent of humans ever get to stages 5 or 6—but it may be something to strive for. Postconventional morality means we understand universal, abstract ethical principles based on personal, nuanced values like the preservation of life or the importance of human dignity. A person with postconventional morality is someone who doesn’t need a parent, a police officer, or even a law to tell them how to behave.
Stage 5: Social Contract and Individual Rights. Here, we understand that a rule or law may exist for the good of the greatest number of people, but there are times when it makes ethical sense to break it. For example: Would you steal to save a life?
Stage 6: Universal Principles. At this stage, humans literally don’t need laws because their own ethical compass and moral guidelines are consistently on point. Weighing issues of human rights, justice, and equity, a person at this stage is prepared to act to defend these universal principles, even if it means going against the rest of society and having to pay the consequences. For example: Would you refuse to serve in a war you thought was unethical, even if it meant imprisonment?
What’s salient for parents is to remember that the preconventional level our kids are in lasts until they’re about nine, and that’s normal. The conventional level our kids move into as adolescents is also normal, and a perfectly acceptable place to stay. Having adult children who can engage in postconventional morality might be one of your goals or hopes, but it’s not likely something you’ll see in them until adulthood.
One way to help get them to the next level is to make it a practice of noticing together how your stomachs feel when an ethical conundrum comes up, when anyone causes minor harm, or when they lie to cover up breaking a rule. Rather than telling a child how they should act, you can help them pay attention to what their body tells them when their inside values don’t match their outside behavior.
Effective Discipline Helps Shape the Growing Brain
As a parent, you’ve set the stage for success, you’ve made your expectations clear, you understand childhood moral development, but your child is still acting a fool. It’s time to step into your authority and practice some intentional discipline.
Studies in neuroplasticity—the brain’s ability to adapt—have shown that repeated experiences change the physical structure of the brain. With effective discipline, the parent’s goal is to strengthen the connections between the back and front parts of the brain—for both the children and caregivers—so that everyone’s responses can be less reactive and more thoughtful.
A quick reminder to buy my first book, The Five Principles of Parenting, and write a review from wherever you order. Reviews really help to get the book noticed, and to spread the word. Please especially rate and review any books purchased on Amazon (it shockingly really, really matters!). Also, when you receive the book, snap a quick pic with it and post on social media. Share one thing you love about it and help me to get more copies into the hands of parents in your community. Tell a friend about the book, or about something you found helpful in the book. Parents look to each other for advice, and I’d love to be a part of the support you pass on to your loved ones.