Two Things Can Be True

How to Talk With Kids About Israel and Hamas at War

Once again, I come to you with sadness as events in Israel and The Palestinian Territories feel uncertain and heartbreaking. My heart goes out to all the humans suffering, the Israeli and the Palestinian civilians who have, are currently, and will continue to experience unimaginable harm. It also goes without saying that this is another wound on the very fragile sense of security that we and our children all maintain, but here we are again.

In this particular conflict, before I go into developmental messages to help you decide what and when to share horrific events with your children, I want to explain a concept in psychology that may help you have these hard conversations. In particular, this applies to conversations which require empathy and complexity. One important concept in psychology and mental health is the dialectic. A dialectic allows for the idea that  two seemingly opposing things can be true at the same time. Our children need to understand this concept now more than ever - something they can only do when they witness the adults in their lives thinking in this way.  

In this particular discussion, I can personally use an example here from my own experience as a Jewish woman and grandchild of Holocaust survivors:

1. It is horrific and unacceptable that innocent civilians - especially children - are being harmed, kidnapped, or murdered by terrorists who want to see all Jews dead. (note: I would only say “harmed” when speaking with younger children and exclude the detail of wanting all Jews dead.). 

2. I deeply disagree with many of the current and past policies that the Israeli Government holds toward Palestinians and my heart is broken for the Palestinians who have, and continue, to suffer.

As we teach and support our children, there are layers of complexity in everything. This tragic situation is no exception. The below is adapted from something I have written before. I am sorry we keep needing support in explaining horrific events. 

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When events in the world are scary and tragic, it's totally understandable to want to protect our children from it. Our instinct is to let them keep believing that the world is safe and that bad things don't happen, for as long as possible. But kids are incredibly attuned to our emotional states, stressed expressions and any tension at home. They easily sense when something's going on or when things aren't right. Without an adult to explain what is happening, children’s imaginations often create scenarios that are even worse than reality.

There is a war in Israel (some of you might say “There is a war between Hamas and Israel” and some of you might say “There is a war in The State of Israel and The Palestinian Territories). This is all over the news, all over social media, all of our hearts and minds. If we don’t get in front of explaining this to our kids, they will explain it to themselves.

This long standing battle has passion, hurt, vitriol and hatred on both sides. It is hard for any of us to remain neutral, and most of us have strong reactions and feelings around it. If you are talking about it, reading about it, and watching it unfold on TV at home, be sure that your children are aware. It’s okay to have strong feelings about current events, in fact, I have incredibly strong feelings about this. It is okay for your children to see your emotions, but importantly, they need to know that you can take care of yourself and your emotional needs AND that you can take care of them.

How to have the conversation with our school aged children:

Note, if you have preschoolers, lightly modify this language to be age appropriate. If you have older children, this is a time to hear what they think about things and not to lecture. Our teens are learning to understand the world for themselves and may very well have a lot to teach us. We have to support them to think more deeply through thought provoking questions.

1. Take a deep breath, so you are regulated. It can help to physically put your hand on your heart to soothe your nervous system.

2. See what they know. “You may have heard about what is happening in the Middle East between Israel and Hamas. I’m curious about what you know and I’m here to answer questions.”

3. Be honest and clear. “There was a terrorist attack on Israeli children and innocent civilians this weekend. This has launched a war between Israel and Hamas. Though these two sides have been fighting for many years, now it is a war and as with any war, people have and will be hurt and killed. That’s why you’re seeing so many grown-ups who are so sad. You are safe, we are safe, but we care about the experience of people even when they are far away.”

4. Pause. Let the information land. See what your child has to say.

5. Listen. Make room for any reaction. Your child does not need to be interested, or sad, we just need to tell them so that they don’t pick up on unspoken cues of our collective distress.

6. Describe the age-appropriate facts. If your child has questions, look up answers together. If your child is repeating mis-information, help them to think through more reliable sources. Answer only the questions they’ve asked and resist going into longer explanations. This is not one conversation, but unfortunately an ongoing discussion. This particular war is fraught with propaganda and it is going to be important to help your older children read the news and pay attention to their sources.

7. When you can’t answer a question, acknowledge it. These are complicated questions that are an opportunity for critical thinking, investigation, and the acceptance of a reality where we don’t always have answers. Get comfortable with the idea that we can’t solve these problems for our children or ourselves, but that we can help make peace with the discomfort and uncertainty.

8. Stick to routines. Whenever things in the world feel uncertain, even far away, it’s important to lean on routines to keep things as stable as possible for your child. This is also helpful to manage your own emotions and be present for your family.

9. If you notice your child is having anxiety around current events, after this discussion or at any point, let them know that you are there and strategize ways for them to remain informed while also taking care of their own emotions. Reassure them that it makes sense to feel anxious right now, and that we all feel similarly.

Keep in mind that there is really never a reason to expose children to TV news reports and graphic details of scary topics. Large doses of media coverage can be very harmful even to adults. The news is built on keeping an audience engaged and anxious. Turn it off the minute you feel your nervous system become activated. You can keep informed without obsessively watching the news, and are modeling for your family how to keep connected without becoming unhinged. When we over empathize, it is harder to have rational compassion because our pain centers light up. This can overwhelm our nervous system and shut us down. In that state, you’re not helping anyone.

We will continue to have this conversation as events unfold. I’m here for any follow-up questions and support.

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