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As we roll into the last weeks of August, many of us are already in or facing down the return to school. And while we may be ready for our kids to have a routine, to leave the house, and to have some structure - the road back is always bumpy.
A few years ago, I recorded a podcast episode with Dr. Helen Egger. It was so packed with useful tips and strategies, that I am republishing them here. I start with 8 tips for everyone, but scroll down for specific tips by age - infants, toddlers, elementary, and tweens & teens.
8 Tips for All Ages:
All transitions are hard because they involve change and uncertainty. We can support our children by practicing rituals and regularity.
Create routines around common pain points, like morning, bedtime, or separation. Make charts for younger children, and talk through the plan each day with older ones.
Helping anxious children starts by getting hold of your own anxiety. Get the support you need to accept your child’s worries without adding your own.
Remember that your job as a parent isn’t to spare your child anxiety, but to help them prepare for, sit with, and manage their anxious feelings.
Model for your child that there are no bad feelings. Be open to talking about whatever is on your child’s mind. Avoiding negative feelings can actually make them worse.
Help your children to get enough sleep. At any age, sleep has an important impact on learning, emotions, and behavior.
Know the signs when your child’s mental health concerns need more attention. These include concerns lasting for more than 2-4 weeks, maintaining or increasing in severity, happening most of the time in different settings and activities, adversely affecting your child, or impacting your family.
Don’t delay help if you do need it. Remember that mental health challenges are both extremely common and highly treatable.
Tips for Infants
Practice “good” goodbyes! Separation anxiety is a normal phase of development, where children become distressed when they are separated from their caregiver. This can begin around 8 months and come and go throughout early childhood.
Always say “goodbye.” Always make sure to say “goodbye” whenever you leave, and avoid sneaking out. It may feel easier to leave when your baby isn’t looking, but children can become anxious when they think you disappeared.
Remain calm and positive. Your baby is looking to you to see how to react to normal separations. Try and be brief, loving, and upbeat. Though it is normal to have sadness (and maybe even some tears), find a place to express your own feelings away from your baby.
Establish special routines around bedtime. Stories, songs, books, bath – whatever works for you. Having the same routine every night helps signal to your baby that it is time for sleep and helps them through the separation from you.
Tips for Toddlers
Ask your child how they are feeling about beginning school. If your child seems worried, offer comfort but move on. Focus on the positives, like the new friends they will meet, the exciting toys they will be able to play with, and the awesome playground!
Read stories about children going to school for the first time. Talk to your child about what’s going on in the story, how the characters are feeling, the new adventures they have at school, and how the children always get to see their families at the end of the school day.
Look for nonverbal messages. Your child may not be able to tell you they are nervous about school, but they may “act out” fears by clinging, becoming withdrawn, or by being more aggressive. Children may also backslide in other areas (for example: wetting pants even though they are potty trained). This is normal, and will pass.
Use pretend play. Going to school might be the first time your child has ever been separated from you. Practice common routines through pretend play at home (like saying good-bye, taking off your coat, singing songs, reading stories, and most importantly, being able to see you again at the end of the school day). Always remind your child that “mommy/daddy/caregiver will always come back,” and repeat that phrase each time you leave.
Let your child know what the school day will be like. Help make a chart of the day, including wake up routines and afternoon/evening plans. Help your child learn what to expect and prepare for. Allow your child to bring something special to school, if the school says it’s okay. A little reminder from home (even a picture of your family) can be an important buddy to keep close throughout the day for a little extra comfort.
Tips for Elementary School
Visit your child’s school together. If the school allows, play on the playground, visit a classroom, and try to meet the teacher. Or, simply walk by the school with your child and get them used to the building, the trip there, and the new routine. If you can’t get there in person, try making a picture book of the route and the school. Talk about something they’ll look forward to. Say things like, “I can’t wait to hear about your day at school! When I get back, you can tell me all about it!
Create a special goodbye routine. A secret handshake or special goodbye phrase can help your child to handle separation and give them a fun ritual to make goodbyes easier.
Get your child excited about school. Choose a backpack or lunchbox (if needed) together. Pick out a first-day-of-school outfit or let your child choose a special breakfast on the first day, and take pictures! Remain calm and positive. Though separations may be upsetting, remember that your child is looking to you to see how to react.
Tips for Tweens and Teens
Accept all feelings. Show your tween or teen that you can handle whatever they are feeling.
Listen. Make space to truly hear your child, even if what they are sharing is painful. Don’t jump in to try and solve problems, but be open and non-judgmental, while letting your child express themselves.
Show you care. Take their feelings and concerns seriously. Find moments to talk about things when everyone is safe and comfortable. Take a walk or a drive, share a meal or a late-night conversation.
Talk to your anxious tween or teen about the two parts of their brain – the emotional part and the thinking part (also sometimes called the wizard and lizard brains). Explain that though they may feel the urge to fight, flee or freeze, they can work through their worries to find a way to pull back the anxiety.
Here’s hoping for a wonderful school year ahead!
Warmly,
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