Thanks for reading Raising Good Humans on Substack! My first book, The Five Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans is now available for purchase here.
In the face of constant coverage, suggesting that our kids are in danger (think social media, mental health, achievement pressure, and on, and on), I am - once again - returning to what we CAN control.
The reality is that parents do matter when it comes to influencing our children and when we embolden ourselves to have a say, things are so much less terrifying than the public discourse would have us believe.
Dr. Aliza Pressman
Ignoring the headlines (and with total self awareness that I am part of this), designed to make us buy a book, watch an interview, or follow a script, this week’s episode is bringing back the SCIENCE on how teens (and everyone) grow and develop. That science highlights the incredible importance of Executive Function Skills. As we get into, throughout the episode, these are the skills which we have tremendous influence over, and the skills that are tied to the most positive outcomes for our adolescents. If you’re feeling hopeless, frightened, or alone, these are the skills that can empower us, can arm us, and can guide us, in supporting our children AND ourselves.
We need to lean into executive function skills because this is something that we can work on. Something we can grow. Something we can actually have an influence on as parents, and something that moves the needle.
Dr. Aliza Pressman
In my book (The 5 Principles of Parenting - have I mentioned it?), I outline Executive Function like this…
Executive function is a major set of skills that involves the conscious self-control of thoughts, actions, and emotions. It’s an overarching aspect of brain development that has a huge impact on how we become who we are.
Typically acquired beginning in childhood, executive function continues to develop through our life spans. While some kids have an easier time developing these skills than others, executive function is cultivated in the context of Relationships with caregivers. Relationship is the first of the five principles of parenting, but as we’ll learn throughout this book, each of the principles works to bolster executive function. By using these principles, you’ll help your child’s neural pathways grow.
Most adults use executive skills without even thinking about them as we go about our daily lives. We know where the produce is located in the store, but we usually don’t flip out when they’ve moved the tortilla chips. We simply ask someone who works there, and we’re able to follow their instructions to get our hands on what we want. Kids aren’t born with any of this. One way to help kids develop executive function—before they throw a fit in the grocery store—is to walk them, out loud, through the steps of resolving everyday challenges. You might say, “Let’s go get the tortilla chips. Oh, my goodness, this feels frustrating; the chips used to be right here. I wonder where they went. Do you think someone who works here might know where they’ve moved them?” This acknowledges and normalizes the processes we all go through, usually silently or even unconsciously, as we engage our brain’s executive function.
Parents can also engage in what researchers call “goal-directed problem solving” appropriate to the child’s developmental level (which we will delve into in Chapter 13 when we talk more about autonomy). With goal-directed problem solving, we practice all aspects of executive function—and specifically the core skills of inhibitory control, working memory, and cognitive flexibility.
Inhibitory control includes things like giving a thoughtful response rather than an impulsive one, resisting temptation, resisting distraction, and staying focused. Maybe your child has a strong inclination to grab another child’s toy. Inhibitory control will be the skill that stops them from acting on that inclination.
Working memory is another executive function, and it entails the ability to hold information and work with it. Examples include translating instructions into action plans, considering alternatives, thinking about what you might do in the future, or reflecting on what you’ve done in the past.
A third core executive function is cognitive flexibility—being able to think outside the box, look at something from different perspectives, and update your thinking or planning with new information. For example, maybe you don’t agree with someone on most anything, but you can find commonalities in your taste in music. So cognitive flexibility is about re- framing, seeing things in different ways.
Executive functions have been referred to as the mental tool kit for success because they’re so critical for almost anything we want to do in life, from the really big stuff to getting chores done. When you ask a young child to wet a rag to wash a counter or take a handful of strawber- ries from a container and transfer them to a bowl, you’re helping them develop that ability to focus and concentrate.
After discussing executive function this week with my guest - author, educator, and researcher Ellen Galinsky - and how we can rethink the period of adolescence as a time of immense brian plasticity and growth, I’m leaving you with 5 tips to try with the teens you love today (and, of course, these hold true for younger kids, as well).
Find shared solutions.
Including your child, in creating the solution to a problem, not only makes it more likely for everything to move more smoothly, but builds many of the different executive function skills that help them do it on their own in the future.
Dr. Aliza Pressman
Work with your child to figure out problems together. While you can set the agenda (and as a parent, should feel free to name problems when you see them), brainstorm solutions as a family, and then talk through how each of them will work. If your teen comes up with an idea themselves, they are not only more likely to do it, but will also feel autonomous and empowered in making solutions, now and in the future.
Share different perspectives.
Things are so polarized today that it is hard for any of us to see things clearly, unpack an issue, or understand each other.
Dr. Aliza Pressman
Talking about how other people think and feel is an essential part of executive function development. Finding reliable sources usually involves understanding multiple perspectives and agendas. Help your teen to role-play the part of someone else - a friend, teacher, sibling, etc. - in order to see an issue from many sides AND build their capacity for empathy and understanding.
Promote independence wherever you can.
Adolescent brains light up big time when they feel they have some say over their lives. It's a psychological need.
Ellen Galinsky
Respecting our teens' independence means we need to empower them whenever we can. Remember to make sure your teens are doing for themselves what they can do, working toward what they can almost do, and having skills they cannot yet do modeled for them often.
Let them flex their own problem solving skills.
Autonomy-supportive parenting is the opposite of being controlling. It's helping your child problem-solve, and a great way of having everyone be on the same team and row the boat in the same direction.
Ellen Galinsky
Ellen suggests that we employ a “cognitive change strategy” and reframe our children's struggles as a 5 alarm fire, and instead see them as a challenge that they can face. By showing confidence in their ability to face challenges, we call on their executive function skills to grow and respond. Resist the urge to fix things, and let your teens figure things out for themselves, when they can do so safely.
Stay focused on the ultimate goal.
When you are feeling helpless you lean into the things that are most extreme, because they seem most certain. But if you are talking about how humans grow and develop, you are unlikely to get certainty.
Dr. Aliza Pressman
It’s understandable to get caught up in the general hysteria of our current times. In the world of raising good humans, our best desire to help support parents has sometimes resulted in making parents think there is just one right way to do something, or that every challenge is a crisis. To fight this, we must remember that our goal is to raise children that can face the world with confidence, with skills, with support - not to make their lives perfect or avoid any danger. Instead of looking for certainty, try seeing your teen as a complicated, beautiful, masterpiece. One that you can be in awe of, frustrated by, and madly in love with.
A quick reminder to buy my first book, The Five Principles of Parenting, and write a review from wherever you order. Reviews really help to get the book noticed, and to spread the word. Please especially rate and review any books purchased on Amazon (it shockingly really, really matters!). Also, when you receive the book, snap a quick pic with it and post on social media. Share one thing you love about it and help me to get more copies into the hands of parents in your community. Tell a friend about the book, or about something you found helpful in the book. Parents look to each other for advice, and I’d love to be a part of the support you pass on to your loved ones.
This is fabulous Aliza! Such a great reminder to not get caught up in the hysteria and panic. To hone in on our skills of modelling problem solving and critical thinking, and allowing our children the freedom and space to practice these skills. We cannot live in fear of what might go "wrong". 👍