The Strength of Self Compassion
What would your best friend say?
Thanks for reading Raising Good Humans on Substack! My first book, The Five Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans is now available for purchase here.
In this week’s episode of the Raising Good Humans Podcast, my conversation with Melinda Wenner Moyer, author of Hello, Cruel World!, gets into all the ways that parents forget to offer themselves the type of compassion we not only deserve, but desperately need, in this upside-down-topsy-turvy world.
Here are the top 5 takeaways from the episode with Melinda and MORE on self compassion:
Mental health isn't constant happiness. It's about feeling appropriate emotions and developing coping skills for tough moments. We need to allow kids to experience discomfort to build resilience.
Fear can negatively impact parenting. Parental fear can lead to overprotectiveness, hindering a child's ability to develop resilience and coping skills. Melinda shares that recent research also suggests that fear regarding technology can also harm the parent-child relationship more than the technology itself.
Open communication is key, especially with older kids. Rules and restrictions are helpful, but they are more effective when paired with open, honest communication and allowing kids some agency and understanding. This seems obvious to many of us, but the research continues to emphasize this over and over again!
Self-compassion is a valuable skill. Cultivate self-compassion in children by teaching them mindfulness of their feelings, recognizing shared human experiences, and treating themselves kindly. Parents can model this behavior too - SEE MORE BELOW 😁
Substance use conversations should start early. Research shows that having frequent, direct conversations about substances, emphasizing short-term consequences and providing refusal strategies really matters when it comes to keeping our kids safe. Setting expectations and creating a safe space for children to come to you if they make a mistake aren’t mutually exclusive. We can do both!
Our conversation got me thinking more about the profound gift of teaching self-compassion to children at a young age. One self-compassion practice I love is to recognize the different voices within us – the wise friend and the critical "frenemy." By learning to distance ourselves from our negative self-talk and tap into the voice of our "wise friend" or someone who always has our back, we can avoid unnecessary self-berating and shame spirals (that don’t serve us anyway!). Helping our kids to do this may actually help them recognize what's genuinely best for them, not just what might make them momentarily happy, and ultimately save themselves time and emotional distress. Try it out and let me know how it goes.
I’m also reminded of the connection between self compassion and perfectionism, a subject I have written about before here and here on Substack AND in the following excerpt from my book (The Five Principles of Parenting). Read on to see how you can learn more and take a quiz on your own perfectionist tendencies - plus a quick reflection exercise to make friends with the imperfect present.
The Strength Of Self Compassion from Chapter 7
I don’t want this to become another thing for perfectionists to beat themselves up about, but it’s something to be aware of and to work with. Every day is an opportunity to get better at self-compassion. Studies show that self-compassionate people are just as likely to have high standards for themselves as those with low levels of self-compassion—so there’s no need to drop all your expectations. But self-compassion has been proven to increase motivation to change for the better, to lead to more effortful learning, and to encourage more resolve to avoid repeating past mistakes. In one study, people trained to feel compassionate about the difficulties of giving up smoking reduced their vice more than those trained to simply reflect upon and monitor their smoking. In academic settings, studies show that high self-compassion, rather than leading to a bunch of Ds on report cards, is linked to more adaptive motivational patterns, less procrastination, and increased confidence. Self-compassion can be defined as directing care and understanding inward, especially when we’re feeling inadequate or like we’ve failed at something. Researchers Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer identify the three components of self-compassion: self-kindness, meaning that we treat ourselves with warmth and understanding instead of self-criticism; common humanity, meaning that we contextualize both our positive and negative experiences as part of the shared human experience, instead of feeling isolated and alone in our ups and downs; and mindfulness, which, with practice, increases our ability to be realistic and nonjudgmental when we assess our experiences, as well as our children’s experiences. Through mindfulness, the science shows, we can get better and better at acknowledging our feelings and emotions as they are, without fixating on them or overidentifying with them.
Quiz: Are You a Perfectionist Parent?
For each of the following questions, give yourself a score of 0 to 5, with 0 meaning never and 5 meaning constantly.
Do you feel like whatever you do as a parent, it’s just not good enough?
Do you think you hold the keys to your children’s academic and professional futures?
Do you feel strongly about the importance of tests, competitions, and scores?
Do you feel like you just can’t figure out this parenting thing?
Do you hope your child will go further with your own favorite activities than you did?
Do you worry you’re doing irreparable harm to your kid with your everyday decisions?
Do you criticize yourself, or compare yourself and your children to other families?
Do you offer your child more suggestions for improvement than you do praise for a job well done?
Do you feel like you’re to blame for your children’s struggles or failures?
Do you take the lead on making sure that your children’s tasks or homework get done?
Do you second-guess your own parenting decisions?
Do you connect your self-worth to your child’s achievement?
Are you frequently disappointed in yourself?
Results
0–15: Pragmatist. Perfectionism is not your burden. You can skip the rest!
15–35: Flexible. You like to keep yourself accountable, and now and again you overly stress yourself out by trying to do everything “right.” Happens to the best of us.
35–50: Idealist. You hold yourself to high standards, but you might not be getting the results you’re looking for.
50–65: Perfectionist. Hot zone! This much beating yourself up isn’t kind or sustainable. Put your hand on your heart and remind yourself that you’re good enough.
Perfectionism may come from a place of love, but it impacts from a place of fear. Self-love, forgiveness, and acceptance are the antidotes to perfectionism. Remember: most of our job as parents is to teach our little humans how to get through the ups and downs of life in all its imperfection. Practice “B+-ing it”—or even B–-ing it. Go for 80 percent of what you imagined you could pull off. Normalize mistakes. You can start with normalizing very small mistakes if that feels more doable.
Regulation Exercise
Making Friends with the Imperfect Present
Studies show a direct link between mindfulness and self-compassion—a known antidote to perfectionism—so if you’ve been doing the mindfulness exercises in this book so far, you’re likely already beginning to see some growth. If you’ve been skipping them, well, maybe you’re not such a perfectionist after all!
Still, it’s never too late to start. As with all aspects of parenting, and growing ourselves into the good humans we want to be in the process, we know that with a little bit of grounding in our own nervous system, we’re better prepared to respond to the nervous systems of others. So, let’s take this moment and find a posture in which you can feel relaxed and alert.
You can sit on a chair or on the floor. You can lie down or stand up. If you’re driving, be sure to keep your eyes open. If any part of your body feels uncomfortable, see if you can shift your position.
Allow yourself to look around where you are, opening awareness to your body and all your senses. Notice the colors in the room, or in the park, or wherever you are. Notice the window and the curtains. Notice the sky and the grass. Consciously notice five things that you’re looking at. And then as you look around, take a breath and let yourself just take in the environment.
When you’re ready, bring your attention back to yourself. If it’s practical, you can close your eyes and relax even more fully. You’re safe. Notice if you’re straining or holding any part of your body, and just let it go. You’re arriving with a sense of dignity and alertness and presence. You’re right here. You’re certain of it.
Now, you saw where you are, you relaxed into it. And just now you notice the sounds that are around, including what sounds are coming and going. Is it the air conditioner humming? Is there traffic outside? Are there screaming children? Nothing to do about it. Everybody’s safe. Just notice those sounds.
Now, you can notice if there’s any sense of smell—maybe some cooking nearby or even thinking the word smell might evoke your favorite smell. Or maybe it evokes not your favorite smell. That’s okay, too. Just notice your body sensations and areas of ease or tightness, vibrations or stillness. Just notice the feel of this body received with kind attention, no judging, just noticing.
Notice the state of your heart. Is there interest? Is there gratitude? Is there judgment, sadness, excitement, curiosity? Whatever it is, does your heart feel open or closed? No judgment, you’re just noticing.
Now, notice your state of mind. What’s happening for you? Are you planning what you have to do today? Are you wondering if this exercise is going to get to the point? Are you excited? Are you feeling relaxed? Are you obsessing? Just notice. You are here. You saw, you heard, you smelled, you checked in with your heart and your mind.
Now, feel your body with presence and dignity, and realize that you can notice the play of experiences you have with an open and kind attention. You are fully present.
Open up your eyes if they were closed, breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth, and say to yourself:
I can tolerate my own flaws and inadequacies.
I can tolerate my children’s flaws and inadequacies.
Our failures, just like our successes, are part of the human experience.
When something upsets me, I can keep my emotions in balance.
I can tolerate my children’s flaws and inadequacies.
I can tolerate my own flaws and inadequacies.
Exhale.
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Love this! Self compassion is everything! 💕
Great thoughts. I particularly like the idea of modeling inner conflict such as the inner “wise friend” and “frenemy,” from an overall standpoint of self-compassion. 💗