The Power of a Safe Harbor
Where is it OK to lose it?
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Earlier this month, I talked about how common it is to “lose it” around those you feel safest with. I got a lot of feedback about it, so I wanted to dig into that a bit more here.
I’ve spoken a lot about executive function skills, and the very hard work that kids do to regulate themselves throughout the day. When it counts - at school or with strangers - our kids spend their energy focused on regulating their emotions, behaviors, and attention. They listen to instructions, control their impulses, and find appropriate ways to express their wants and needs. But at home? Well, we see quite a different picture.
All of us need a safe harbor where we are free to “lose it” when we need to. Someone that we can be our most dysregulated self with, and somewhere where we know we are loved, even when we are at our worst. Maybe we hold it together in a work meeting and then lose it on our spouse, or give our focus and attention to a client, and then vent to a coworker or friend. For our children, WE are their safe harbor. Having created a secure attachment with them, established our support and love for them exactly as they are, and set up a safe environment in which to make mistakes - we’ve successfully signaled to our children that they can afford to “lose it” with us. And while this feels like a really, really, really, crappy thing for us - it is actually a really important one. That does not mean we have to stand there while we get bruised and battered, but it does help ease some of the frustration when we see this happening. Hopefully, it also keeps us from finding ourselves confused or enraged!
We know that our children need to know that they are unconditionally loved in order to free up the capacity to learn and grow. When they worry that their needs will not be met, or that they will be faced with harsh punishments, children cannot “relax” anywhere. They are in a heightened state of alert and panic, and are subject to the negative impacts of toxic stress.
Friend and colleague, Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, talks about the ways in which seeking a safe harbor is a biological instinct. The fix that we seek when times get tough. As she describes, if we have created a warm and welcoming environment, our children will come to use in the face of a storm. They will melt down and fall apart as a sign of the safety that they feel in our harbor, and thanks to the privilege of our parenting environment.
So where does this leave you when your child is melting down and falling apart after a long (and hot) summer day? With a few strategies to keep in mind.
Be present without fixing. Focus on giving your child the gift of your attention and your presence. You don’t need to have the answers, you don’t need to rush to judge or teach, you just need to be present. Showing your child that you can tolerate their distress, and love them through it is powerful.
Let your child “borrow” your nervous system. Coregulation is an essential ingredient in helping your children learn to regulate themselves. As social creatures, we are all impacted by the emotions of those around us. Instead of rising to meet your child in their chaos, try offering them your own calm and regulated nervous system. Over time, regulating with your help will grow their own capacity.
Lovingly, hold limits. If your child is losing it over a rule that you need in your home - for example bedtime - find a way to validate their emotions and still move through their distress. On the other hand, you may need to let go of limits that don’t make sense, or cause unnecessary distress. This may mean choosing your battles,and saving limits for the moments that matter most.
Remember that this too shall pass. As our children grow and practice, their self regulation skills will improve. Until then, we have to be patient and forgiving of this moment in time, and our children’s weak skills.
Find ways to fill your tank, too. Making sure that we are “whole” allows us to show up for our children in the way we intend. Practicing our own meditations, getting enough sleep, rest, and time with those we love, are all ways to practice true self-care.
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