The Parenting Superpower You Might Be Overlooking: Validation

Part 1 of our discussion on validation

Thanks for reading Raising Good Humans on Substack! My first book, The Five Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans is now available for purchase here.

Photo by Cristi Ursea on Unsplash

This week on the Raising Good Humans Podcast, I spoke with Dr. Caroline Fleck, author of the new book Validation: How the skill set that revolutionized psychology will transform your relationships, increase your influence, and change your life. Validation is SO important right now, as many struggle to understand the origins and intention of this skill. It’s not what you may have heard on social media!

As parents, we often feel like we need a magic wand to navigate the emotional rollercoaster of raising kids. One minute they're giggling, the next they're in tears, and sometimes those tears come with dramatic flair. In those moments, our instinct might be to problem-solve, to lecture, or even to dismiss their feelings - or it may be to lean in, languish in their emotions, and desperately try to connect. Though popular in current parenting culture, many of us don’t understand validation from its origin in psychology, as a part of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Originally developed to treat severe mental health conditions, DBT's principles, especially validation, can be incredibly helpful in everyday relationships, particularly with our children.

What exactly is validation?

Validation, at its core, is about acknowledging and accepting your child's feelings, even if you don't necessarily agree with their perspective or behavior. It's about saying, "I see you, I hear you, and I understand that you're feeling this way." It doesn't mean you condone negative behavior, but it does mean you recognize that your child’s emotions are real and valid.

Why is validation so important for kids?

Children, especially younger ones, are still learning to understand and regulate their emotions. They may not have the vocabulary or the life experience to process complex feelings. Validation is more than just a communication technique; it's a way of fostering emotional resilience in your children. By teaching them that their feelings matter and that they can navigate difficult emotions, we empower them to become confident, compassionate, and well-adjusted individuals. When we validate their emotions, we help them:

• Feel heard and understood. Validation creates a safe space for children to express themselves without fear of judgment or dismissal.

• Develop emotional intelligence. By acknowledging and labeling their emotions, we help children build self-awareness and emotional literacy.

• Build trust and connection. Validation strengthens the parent-child bond, fostering trust and open communication.

• Learn to regulate emotions. When children feel understood, they are more likely to calm down and be receptive to problem-solving.

The balance between acceptance and change.

One of the key insights from Dr. Fleck is the importance of balancing acceptance and change. As parents, we want to support our children's emotional well-being while also guiding them towards positive behavior. This means:

• Validating the emotion. Acknowledge and accept your child's feelings. For example, instead of saying, "Don't be sad," try saying, "I can see that you're feeling really sad right now."

• Setting boundaries for behavior. While emotions are valid, not all behaviors are acceptable. It's important to set clear boundaries and consequences for inappropriate actions.

• Shifting to problem-solving (when the time is right). Once your child has calmed down and feels heard, you can gently guide them towards finding solutions or making better choices.

What does this look like?

Let's look at a few scenarios where validation can make a difference:

Scenario 1: The Failed Test: Your child comes home upset about failing a test. They say, "I studied so hard, and it didn't even matter. I'm so stupid!"

• Common Parent Response (Invalidating): "Oh, don't be so dramatic. It's just one test. You'll do better next time. You need to focus more in class and maybe study a little longer.

• Validating Response: "You must be so disappointed. You studied so hard, and it feels really unfair." Once they feel heard, you can then brainstorm strategies for improvement.

Scenario 2: The Frustrated Toddler: Your 5-year-old is building a tall tower of blocks. As they reach the top, the tower wobbles and then crashes to the ground. They burst into tears, yelling, "I hate blocks! They're so mean! It's not fair!"

• Common Parent Response (Invalidating): "Oh, don't be silly. It's just blocks. You can build it again. It wasn't that big of a deal. Stop crying."

• Validating Response: Mom comes over and kneels down to Leo's level. "Oh no, Leo, your tower fell down! You must be so frustrated. You worked so hard to make it tall, and now it's all broken."

Scenario 3: Social Media Comparison: Your teen is scrolling through social media and sees pictures of their friends at a party they weren't invited to. They say, "Everyone else is having so much fun, and I'm just here. I feel like such a loser."

• Common Parent Response (Invalidating): "Oh, don't pay attention to that. Social media isn't real. Just get off your phone."

• Validating Response: "It's really tough to see your friends doing something fun without you. It makes sense that you'd feel left out and a little down on yourself. Social media can definitely make those feelings stronger."

Is all validation good?

Some parents worry that validating emotions might reinforce negative behavior. However, as Dr. Fleck explains, validating the emotion is different from validating the behavior. You can acknowledge your child's anger without condoning their decision to throw something. I’ll keep saying it, “All feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not.”

Another concern is the idea of "over-validating." While it's important to be genuine in your validation, it's equally important to be mindful of not giving excessive attention to negative behaviors or spending endless time on moments that do not need it. If your child is engaging in attention-seeking behavior, it might be more effective to use distraction or redirection rather than constant validation.

Repair is just as important!

Even the parents with the most information inevitably make mistakes. We might get impatient, say the wrong thing, react in a way we regret or disconnect. When this happens, lean into repair. Apologizing and acknowledging your mistake or finding a moment to reconnect can model vulnerability and teach your child that the underlying relationship is strong enough to withstand ruptures and grow from repairs.

A quick reminder to buy my first book, The Five Principles of Parenting, and write a review from wherever you order. Reviews really help to get the book noticed, and to spread the word. Please especially rate and review any books purchased on Amazon (it shockingly really, really matters!). Also, when you receive the book, snap a quick pic with it and post on social media. Share one thing you love about it and help me to get more copies into the hands of parents in your community. Tell a friend about the book, or about something you found helpful in the book. Parents look to each other for advice, and I’d love to be a part of the support you pass on to your loved ones.