The Parent as a Mirror
Our Reactions And Childhood Anxiety
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Our world is uncertain, we are all a little on edge, our children are looking at us with their own anxiety, and we are all just a little (or a lot) anxious. But it is not all bad.
These episodes include Part 1 and Part 2 in a series on anxiety with Dr. Eli Lebowitz. Dr. Lebowitz is a child and adolescent psychologist, and the director of the Yale Child Study Center’s Anxiety and Mood Disorders Program. As we talk about throughout the episodes, anxiety is not the enemy. It is a natural response that is protective, and often even productive. Even our responses to anxiety - the rush to fix, to calm, to soothe - are biological. But what happens when things go haywire?
We hold a unique position of influence in our children's lives. We are not just caregivers; we are mirrors through which our children see themselves reflected. Our reactions to their experiences, particularly their struggles with anxiety, can profoundly shape their self-perception, and their ability to cope.
“Parents are a mirror that children look into, and they see who they are. All of your reactions to them are the reflection that they are seeing. That is who they know that they are. If your child believes that you see them as a helpless, weak, vulnerable child who can't handle stress, who falls apart, who can't deal with difficulty - that is what they start to believe about themselves. But, if they see that you see a child who actually has strength, who has resilience, who can cope with things, that also will affect how they feel about themselves.” Dr. Eli Lebowitz
When a child experiences anxiety, they look to their parents for cues on how to interpret and respond to these feelings. If a parent's reaction conveys alarm, helplessness, or a sense that the child is incapable of handling the situation, the child internalizes these messages. If we respond like there is an emergency, we signal that there actually is one. When we treat our children like they lack the skills they need by taking over, fixing, or accommodating, they may come to believe that they are indeed weak, vulnerable, and unable to manage stress. Research shows that this can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, leading to increased anxiety and avoidance. The very nature we use to protect can turn against us! Even as we do more and more to bend backwards and support our kids, we find ourselves facing down more and more anxiety.
“Communicating sensitively with your child about anxiety means saying, “I actually do get it. It’s real. It’s valid. And, I also think that you can actually handle that feeling, and you can get through it.” Dr. Eli Lebowitz
On the other hand, when parents respond with calm reassurance - a mix of validation, sensitivity, empathy, and a confidence in their ability to cope - a different reflection is cast. The child sees themselves as resilient, capable of navigating challenges, and possessing inner strength. This positive reflection fosters a sense of self-efficacy, empowering the child to face their anxiety with greater courage.
The "parent as mirror" concept extends beyond anxiety to all aspects of a child's development. Every interaction is an opportunity for the child to see themselves reflected in their parent's eyes. If we seem annoyed or disinterested, we may accidentally send the message that they are that way, while showing delight and joy towards them may support positive self-esteem.
By being mindful of our reactions, and consciously reflecting back images of strength, resilience, and capability, we can help our children develop a healthy sense of self-worth and the confidence to face life's challenges. As we discuss in the episode, communication around anxiety needs to be focused on living with it, and moving through it, not as a disability or disease that our children have to fear. Sometimes, our overreaction, and our accommodation of our child’s anxiety can actually lead to worsening symptoms. The harder we try to “solve,” the more our children depend on us and come to believe they themselves are incapable.
“When you respond to your child's anxiety by frantically doing everything you can to try to calm them, there is a message that's being communicated that this is a crisis. This is an emergency that we need to solve at all costs. While this is very caring, it also builds in your child the feeling that it's not okay to be anxious.” Dr. Eli Lebowitz
While we acknowledge that helping our children, and making every effort to care for them, is a basic, biological response, we know that anxiety “hijacks” these responses and actually weakens our own abilities over time. What were once systems that worked (the small accommodation here and there, help with things when they were younger, little dependencies that were sweet or cute), eventually these can spin out of control and become less adaptive.
Here are a few key takeaways to consider as you practice projecting confidence in your kids, as you pull back from some of the accommodations you may be making.
Make the feelings ok, instead of making the situation ok. Let your child know that it's okay to feel anxious or scared. Normalize that reaction and don’t send the signal that something is an “emergency”, or that there is anything happening that is beyond your child’s abilities.
Offer support. Remind them that they are not alone, and that you are there to support them. Pulling back does not mean disappearing. Practice ways to model sensitivity that are NOT about taking over. This may look like, “I will be right here while you do it,” or “I will be here to talk about it tonight and hear what happened.”
Express confidence in their abilities. Back to the mirror concept, projecting confidence allows your child to “borrow” some of your faith in them to build their own. You may need to pretend to have confidence (especially if you’re anxious too), but that is OK. “I know you can do this,” or “You’ve done hard things before and you always get through it,” can be a great place to start. Reminding your children about times when they have successfully overcome challenges can help them be willing to take risks again.
Model healthy coping mechanisms. Having feelings of anxiety isn’t the same thing as being paralyzed those feelings. Since many of us with feelings of anxiety are more likely to have kiddos with feelings of anxiety, we have a great opportunity to practice with our own feelings AND with our children when they are experiencing anxiety, too. Show them how you manage your own stress and anxiety, and project that same confidence in their abilities. Model that living with and overcoming anxiety is possible, takes practice, and builds resilience.
I know it can feel like a lot of pressure to recognize you are the mirror through which your child sees themselves and their anxiety - it teeters on sounding parent blaming - but please know that it is meant to inform and empower. We can do less, and actually help our children be capable of more. This is the stuff we can have an influence on, and that is heartening. By reflecting back positive images of strength, resilience, and capability, you can help them navigate anxiety and build a strong foundation, and you can hopefully find a little more time and joy in your own experience.
A quick reminder to buy my first book, The Five Principles of Parenting, and write a review from wherever you order. Reviews really help to get the book noticed, and to spread the word. Please especially rate and review any books purchased on Amazon (it shockingly really, really matters!). Also, when you receive the book, snap a quick pic with it and post on social media. Share one thing you love about it and help me to get more copies into the hands of parents in your community. Tell a friend about the book, or about something you found helpful in the book. Parents look to each other for advice, and I’d love to be a part of the support you pass on to your loved ones.
Your episodes and articles about anxiety and mental health have been incredibly helpful as I work through my own struggles with anxiety, something I’ve faced since childhood. Growing up, I didn’t have the best examples of healthy coping mechanisms, but your insights have inspired me to challenge my worries and approach them differently. My hope is to become a positive role model for my children, who may share some of these tendencies. Thank you for the guidance and support you provide!