The Brain Science and Practice Behind Parental Support and Independence

What brain scans can tell us about how to interact

Thanks for reading Raising Good Humans on Substack! My first book, The Five Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans is now available for purchase here.

Photo by Milad Fakurian on Unsplash

I love science! That may seem obvious to all of you, but there are moments when having science shed light on something is so satisfying. This week on the Raising Good Humans Podcast, Dr. Dylan Gee, professor of psychology at Yale, and a leading expert in the field, discusses how brain science is shedding light on the intricate dance between parent and child, the profound impact of parental presence on a child's developing brain, and how we can support their emotional growth.

To understand the profound impact of parental support, it's helpful to grasp the key brain regions involved in emotion regulation. At the core is the amygdala, a small subcortical structure involved in processing emotions. Often dubbed the "fear center," it's actually involved in detecting anything important or salient in our environment, encompassing both positive and negative feelings.

Then there's the prefrontal cortex, specifically the ventromedial prefrontal cortex, which forms strong connections with the amygdala in adulthood. This region acts as the brain's "brakes," regulating amygdala activity and helping to manage intense emotions like anxiety.

Finally, the hippocampus plays a crucial role in memory and learning. In the context of parent-child relationships, it helps to establish feelings of safety, and later, in adulthood, enables us to distinguish between safe and dangerous environments.

As we know, in infants and children these brain regions, and their connections, are still developing. They aren't yet working and communicating in the same mature ways as in adulthood. That is why parental support around emotion regulation is so important, and so powerful.

Dr. Gee's lab uses functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to observe the brain in action. Their findings around a parent's physical presence, or even a reminder of their love, are truly remarkable. Simply holding a child's hand in an MRI scanner can lead to lower amygdala reactivity compared to being alone. This visceral, physical reminder of love, warmth, and support acts as a powerful "safety signal" for the child's developing brain. Furthermore, even looking at a picture of a parent's face can be a potent reminder of that love, activating regions like the hippocampus and prefrontal cortex, which in turn support emotion regulation. This explains why a picture of a parent might bring comfort to a child at sleepaway camp, or ease separation anxiety at school. These findings suggest that in early life, parents literally help to "down-regulate" amygdala activity in their children. When a parent is present, warm, and responsive, it's like their brain is providing the external brakes that the child's brain is still learning to build.

Of course, we need to remember that though parental support is the ordinary magic for co-regulation, the goal isn't for children to perpetually rely on external regulation. Repeated co-activations of the amygdala and prefrontal cortex, induced by the parent's presence, help these regions to "sync up" on their own. Over thousands of daily interactions across years, parents are effectively "training" this powerful regulatory circuit at the neural level.

This leads to the concept of gradually fading back parental support to foster independence. In the episode, we discussed the example of a five-year-old starting soccer. Initially, a parent might need to hold their child's hand on the field to alleviate anxiety. However, as the child shows "glimmers" of doing it themselves — perhaps getting distracted by play and forgetting their parent is there — it's a sign to slowly increase distance. This doesn't mean abandoning the child, but rather moving to the sidelines, still present and available if needed. The key is to look for moments when your child demonstrates signs of confidence or self-regulation. Point out their bravery and capabilities ("Wow, you were out there all by yourself! You've got this!"), and then begin to gradually increase your distance from them (or the task). The "fading back" isn't an abrupt shift, but a series of small, manageable steps.

Now, what if you’re not available to hold their hand in the game, or not at your own personal best? Well, science confirms that emotional regulation isn't built in a single interaction, but over thousands of them across years. A few "imperfect" moments won't derail a child's development (and as I have said before, are actually good for everyone!). It's unrealistic to expect ourselves to be perfectly present and regulated at all times, and recognizing and addressing our own needs is crucial.

It’s also essential to remember that moments of separation, whether at daycare or on the soccer field, provide opportunities for children to practice independent coping skills and explore the world on their own. These experiences, when combined with a secure "safe space" to return to, are vital for growth.

Finally, Dr. Gee reminds us that one of the most profound tools a parent possesses is validation. Simply acknowledging and understanding a child's feelings ("I hear you. Thank you for telling me that. Let's sit with that.") is incredibly powerful. It doesn't mean we have to fix everything; sometimes, just being heard is enough. This kind of validation is predictive of children's emotion regulation, mental health, and ability to self-soothe.

It's crucial to distinguish this genuine support and validation from fostering fragility. Brain science reinforces that kids are inherently resilient. Negative emotions are not dangerous; they present opportunities for growth and learning. By supporting children through their emotional experiences, even difficult ones, we're not making them fragile. Instead, we're building their capacity for resilience, teaching them how to cope, and demonstrating the power of repair in relationships.

In essence, brain science confirms what many parents instinctively know: our presence, warmth, and responsiveness are fundamental to our children's emotional development. But it also provides a roadmap for empowering them to become independent, emotionally regulated individuals, reminding us that the journey, with all its beautiful imperfections, is just as important as the destination.

A quick reminder to buy my first book, The Five Principles of Parenting, and write a review from wherever you order. Reviews really help to get the book noticed, and to spread the word. Please especially rate and review any books purchased on Amazon (it shockingly really, really matters!). Also, when you receive the book, snap a quick pic with it and post on social media. Share one thing you love about it and help me to get more copies into the hands of parents in your community. Tell a friend about the book, or about something you found helpful in the book. Parents look to each other for advice, and I’d love to be a part of the support you pass on to your loved ones.