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As a parent of 2 teenagers myself, I know first hand that once you have witnessed the full force of adolescent emotions, and the pain they cause to those you love most in the world, it is HARD to remind yourself that those emotions are unavoidable, expected, and sometimes even, helpful.
On this week’s episode of Raising Good Humans Podcast (with the teen whisperer Dr. Lisa Damour), we talk about how parents can distinguish between what struggles and experiences are manageable, and which may actually be traumatizing for our teens.
Said simply, how can we tell the difference between when our teens' experiences are stretching them, vs when they may break them?
As I have said and written about many times, learning to manage and survive difficult emotions and experiences builds our children’s resilience. We know that challenges help them to learn coping skills, to grow and adapt, to learn to face future struggles with greater ease. We understand that there is no way to build these skills in the absence of adversity, and that children therefore NEED some distress in order to grow. As I discussed in my article on anti-fragility, when we try to shield our children from distress (which is impossible to do), we also inadvertently suggest to them that they cannot handle life’s challenges, and weaken their own resolve to try. Of course, knowing all of this doesn’t mean that it is easy to remember in the pain of a difficult moment.
At least once a day, someone asks me, “Did I just traumatize my child?” Or, “Is my child traumatized?” Well meaning parents are worried about the impact of this adolescent suffering on their child’s long term wellness. But they don’t always need to be. To psychologists, we define trauma as something that significantly impacts a person’s psychological world. It isn’t the event that is traumatic, but a person’s response to it that we look at. Take something like a parent's divorce. Some children may be able to absorb the impact of this difficult event, while others may need additional support to help them manage. Other factors like genetic vulnerability, experience, and social support can alter the impact of an event on a child’s world, and most importantly, parents and loving adults can offer a buffer.
Our relationship with our children - staying open, available, connected - can directly help them to absorb the impact of life’s challenges. That’s where we can feel empowered in our role, and empowered to use the tools we have. The moments driving carpool, sitting at the kitchen table, offering a listening ear before bed. Even though we may not feel like they may not want it, our teens still seek our approval, our opinion, and our support.
Understanding how teens think can help us to find our role in identifying and supporting manageable challenges for our kids. As Lisa says on the podcast,
“It's very easy as a teenager to have the world feel like it sorts itself into two categories. Things I like, and things that are a full on crisis. That's a Wednesday for a teenager. The job of loving adults around teenagers is to constantly be asserting a third category, the things you can handle.”
Lisa suggests asking our teens, “Is this situation uncomfortable or is it unmanageable?” as one way to assess if this is something we can support them through, or something that may warrant more attention. We don’t want our children to avoid situations that are uncomfortable and miss the opportunity to gain skills that help them in their lives moving forward, but of course we are there to support them if they feel they can’t handle situations on their own. You may say something like, “I’m not trying to be a jerk, or unkind, but I’m not going to make that call or do that for you because I believe in you. This is a tough situation, but you’re tough too, and you’ve actually handled things harder than this before. If it becomes too much for you, or you're feeling anxious, I’m here for you.” This way, we are believing in our children, in their strength and their abilities, and also letting them know they can believe in themselves.
I hope this helps all of us to find the right balance of stretch, and some ideas of how we can help ourselves and our children to manage the ups and downs of adolescence. Check out last week’s episode, and Lisa’s newest book, The Emotional Lives of Teenagers, for more.
One more note: In light of the recent CDC report on the mental state of teenagers, especially teenage girls, it is more important than ever that we come together as a community to support each other. While this article speaks to the ways in which we know that children can grow and manage challenges, it is important to recognize that there are other occasions where professional support is needed. If you, your child, or anyone you know, is in need of support, please reach out to the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988. Trained counselors are available, and all conversations are both free and confidential.