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Last week’s latest headline, “NYC sues social media companies, alleges contribution to ‘youth mental health crisis’” is likely sending parents into yet another panic about how dangerous social media is. As I wrote about last May on Substack, the U.S. Surgeon’s declaration of a mental health crisis, among children and teens, came as no surprise to many parents, and even less so to me and my colleagues — particularly those who counsel families struggling with depression, anxiety and other mental and emotional maladies.
Data from Common Sense Media now shows that parents and nonparents alike, across the political spectrum, are so worried about our country’s children that they want governmental action to support kids and families better. But what kind of action? So far, the strategy has been calling the social media and tech companies to task (which I support).
Many parents and mental health professionals were riveted by the contentiousness of the recent Congressional hearings, where tech and media leadership were called to testify amidst grieving and angry families and their advocates. Less dramatically, forty-two states and the District of Columbia have sued Meta — parent company of Instagram and Facebook — linking its social media platforms with “depression, anxiety, insomnia, interference with education and daily life.” Other attorneys general, from as many states, are involved in an ongoing investigation, announced in 2022, as to how Tiktok engages and harms young users. And in another legal tack, in late January, Senators Richard Blumenthal, (D-CT), and Marsha Blackburn (R-TN), introduced the Kids Online Safety Act. Dozens of Senators on both sides of the aisle have backed this rare bipartisan bill that would require tech and social media platforms to initiate “reasonable measures” to protect children from bullying, harassment, sexual exploitation, eating disorders, self-harm and predatory marketing. The American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Psychological Association and the American Association of Child and Adolescent Psychology, and other leading medical organizations and advocacy groups, have endorsed the bill, as has Snap, the company that owns the social media giant Snapchat. The EU is currently investigating whether or not Tik Tok violates their child protection laws by creating algorithms that “may stimulate behavioral addictions.”
While these legal and governmental interventions have much merit, they face many hurdles. And, since they focus almost solely on the social media aspect of the mental health crisis, they may miss a lot; although, to be sure, in the current political climate, it’s likely easier to leverage the law to demand more of tech and media companies than it is to strengthen the thin and increasingly inadequate mental health infrastructure in the U.S., or to address other nodes of the crisis: substance abuse and addiction in families; gun violence in schools; bullying; economic woes; and political and cultural strife.
Two things can be simultaneously true. One, social media is a problem. AND two, the negative reports in the media run the risk of paralyzing us into thinking we are helpless in watching our children and teens suffer until there are new laws. That just isn’t true.
I want to remind everyone that we are not helpless. We need help, we need to take this seriously, we need to learn more, but we are not helpless and our children are not all doomed. While it is important to recognize the potential harm, we cannot be confident guides when we parent from fear. It will take time to understand and correct the problems social media has created, but in the meantime we can still act.
As the research has long shown, and as new data released earlier this month quantifies further, parents can rely on a key fact: a strong parent-child relationship buffers almost every kind of toxic stressor that can come our way. There is plenty that is out of our control, but there is no greater environmental buffer than having a safe, stable and nurturing relationship with at least one adult caregiver.
Parents are not powerless. Parents often have difficulty believing mental health professionals when they convey that children can survive and even thrive as long as they feel safe, known, accepted, and loved. Ultimately, it is heartening to realize that the most important thing about parenting is within our individual control, even as so many things are not.
The Pew Research Center revealed data in January that young adults 18 to 34 and their mostly Gen X parents enjoy a strong relationship. “Enjoy” is the key word here: nine in 10 parents rank those relationships as excellent or good, as do eight in 10 young adults. Of course, I and my colleagues have studied and written about how contemporary parenting — which is now even more interventional — can lead to unhealthily anxious dependencies. But this new data reminds us of a clear upside: deeply involved parenting has emotionally rewarding benefits for children too, well into their adulthood.
And here’s the best news: We don’t even have to “do parenting right” all the time — just more often than not. Parenting is a practice; we don’t have to be perfect. We just need to keep showing up for our kids, and expect that our relationships will evolve over the years, knowing that when ruptures occur, the repairs are what strengthens bonds. And while we should not take the heat off the social media and tech companies, we as parents should pay close attention to our children’s mental health challenges. I encourage parents to set limits and boundaries (that’s where safety comes in) as to when, how, and where our children and teens engage with tech and social media by explaining (in whatever words sound authentic), “My main job is to protect you and your mental health, and I know some of this technology is built in such a way that makes kids at your developmental stage vulnerable to its potential harm.” When the inevitable pushback arrives, we should be likewise emboldened to say: “I expect you to push back, and I know our relationship can handle my setting these limits.” That means that when we catch ourselves feeling like ours is the only kid in the world who has social media limits, the only one who has devices removed at bed time, meals and whenever we deem appropriate, we have to work to remain committed to their safety while acknowledging the uncomfortable feeling of being a huge bummer.
We can remember that rules — both limits and boundaries — are not incompatible with connection. Decades of data have shown that there’s a sweet spot between authoritarianism and permissiveness that makes children feel vested in the parental relationship, trusting and safe. And when conflict or crisis hits our families, how we model our own process of regulating ourselves towards calm and repair is as important as providing children of any age with a warm presence, an acknowledgement of distress, and an authentically calming tone of voice when they are upset. This is only possible when we remind ourselves that we are robust enough to handle our children’s hard feelings when they are faced with the limits we have set with social media. We may spiral out and imagine that we are messing up their entire social life, or doing them irreparable harm. It will be confusing. We will make mistakes. But if we aren't blowing it in front of our kids on a regular basis, and surviving our missteps and "parenting fails," how will our kids believe theirs to be acceptable and expected?
So, while you keep an eye on social media and the legal wrangling happening around it, use this moment to embolden yourself to set limits. This means being prepared to remove social media if the algorithm looks problematic, or if your child’s mental health challenges are being amplified by their use. It means taking a break if you find yourself fighting about it non-stop, listening to your child and their individual needs, and constantly reassessing how your child is connecting with their friends. This will all make a difference. Remember that kids are each different, and that there is no one age, one rule or one right way. We get to make those decisions based on what we know of our unique kids. And no matter what just happened in the news, or how chaotic and complex the world gets, come back to the clear data about how to build resilience in children: Cultivate connection. Establish limits. Repair after disconnect. Breathe. Repeat. Everything else is minutia.
Here are 5 things that we can do to support our kids who are on social media:
1. Check the algorithm. Funny memes, puppies and fanning out on the latest Taylor Swift? ☑️Continue. Diets and other potentially harmful content? ❎Intervene.
2. Model. We can’t expect to tell our tweens to get their noses out of a device during mealtime when they’ve spent their whole lives watching us scroll and eat. Do what you might require of your tween when the time comes: set times when you are off your phone, and make it clear you’re available to your kids to pay attention.
3. Remove like counts. Taking away the pressure of “likes” can refocus social media usage on your child’s own expression and NOT on the attention or approval of others.
4. Be selective. Reduce the number of apps on their devices and consider the apps that rely less on algorithms (for example choosing snap chat over tik tok).
5. Create social-media free spaces. Remove devices from the bedroom, after bedtime, and during meals. Yes, you can endure the wrath - it's worth it.
A quick reminder to buy my first book, The Five Principles of Parenting, and write a review from wherever you order. Reviews really help to get the book noticed, and to spread the word. Please especially rate and review any books purchased on Amazon (it shockingly really, really matters!). Also, when you receive the book, snap a quick pic with it and post on social media. Share one thing you love about it and help me to get more copies into the hands of parents in your community. Tell a friend about the book, or about something you found helpful in the book. Parents look to each other for advice, and I’d love to be a part of the support you pass on to your loved ones.
Great tips at the end! I appreciate how you gave actionable next next steps. The "Model" one is paramount. Thank you for sharing. I just subscribed.
Wise, reasonable, empowering, and clear! Your writing always is, thank you for all you offer!