Rewriting the Stories We Tell Ourselves

Painful moments parenting in public

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Photo by Etienne Girardet on Unsplash

You might be familiar with the Brene Brown saying, “The story I’m telling myself.” In her work to distinguish what we walk away with from what actually occurred, Brene uses this phrase to help us understand that our impression of a situation is informed by our own story, our experience, and often our own fears. She uses the example of saying to self or others, “The story I’m telling myself is…” to get hold of the distinction between what is actually going on and what we might have imagined is happening for the other person. In the latest episode of the Raising Good Humans Podcast, licensed psychotherapist Susan Stiffelman and I apply this phrase to the pressure we feel when parenting on display, and the stories we tell ourselves in these trying moments. 

Many of us feel self-conscious about our parenting right now. On the eve of family holidays and celebrations, parties and travel, and in situations where our children’s behaviors are vulnerable to the judgment (and sometimes cruelty) of others, many of us feel the pressure of having to “perform” as parents. Part of this pressure comes from the stories we imagine others are telling themselves about our parenting or our children’s behavior. We imagine that our siblings will say to themselves, “He is so awful, I never want to have holidays with him again,” or “She is the worst mother and I could do it so much better.” We decide that every look from our mother-in-law means “You aren’t half the mother I was,” or that our friends who watched our children hit theirs are deciding to cancel all plans with us in the future. These are the stories we tell ourselves everyday. And they are likely wrong.

Just as we would say to our children when they face difficulty in a relationship with a friend, the solution to feeling hurt or worried about having hurt others is to communicate. That is true for us, too. Here are a few simple scripts to try and stop the stories we tell ourselves from deciding the narrative for us.

1. Take a moment to calm your own nervous system.

   I know that I am always saying that everything starts with a breath, but it is TRUE. Our own nervous system responds to fear quickly, and our emotions can lead the way in how we manage difficult moments. When we are triggered by our children’s behavior, or by the perception of judgment from others, we can’t respond to a situation with logic, with thoughtfulness, or with curiosity. Take a breath. Take a moment. Find a way to regulate yourself so that you can engage in a meaningful conversation.

2. Express how you feel.

   Start by saying something like, “Right now, the story I am telling myself is that you think I am the worst mother.” Or something like, “I’m worried that after tonight, you are thinking you never want to see us again.” Make yourself vulnerable by showing the other person that their opinion matters to you, and that you want to make sure that they can share their thoughts with you directly instead of passing judgment.

3. Show curiosity in their perspective.

   Not creating someone else’s narrative means making space for their actual thoughts and feelings. Try saying something like, “I know that the kids are a lot, and that some of this isn’t how you parent, and I’m wondering what you’re thinking.” Or something like, “I’m sorry that this happened. I’m wondering how you’re feeling about things and I’d love to hear about it.” By creating the opening for someone else to share their opinions honestly, you can help avoid the paranoia of feeling like you are being talked about or judged behind your back.

4. Find ways to repair.

   Though we can’t ever control our children’s behavior, we can work to help them find repair - even if we have to model it ourselves. Try building perspective-taking by giving your child language they may not have (or be able to access). This could look something like, “Grandma, we are sorry for making such a mess and causing so much chaos. We know that isn’t always how you love for things to go, but we also hope you know that we love you and we had a wonderful time. We’ll work on being just a little bit calmer next time.” Or maybe something like, “I know we didn’t all get along tonight, and I’m sorry. We will try again next time and maybe it will be a better day. Sometimes friendships are like that, and there are good times and trickier ones.”

5. Practice forgiveness.

   It is worth it for all of us to remember that perfection is never the goal, and that our quality as a parent is not reflected in what others think of our children, or in their behavior. Our role as parents is to support our children for who they are and will become, not to mold them to conform to the expectations of others. Forgiving ourselves for the hard moments, the unfortunate events, the meltdowns, fights, broken tableware, and general chaos is an important way that we move on.

Here’s to surviving all the parenting moments on display this holiday, and rewriting the stories we tell ourselves. And if you’re interested in more on Brene Brown’s work, check out this excerpt from her book, Rising Strong.

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