Responding to Back Talk

10 Strategies for Parents

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Who among us has not experienced the eye-roll, the sarcastic "whatever," or the outright defiance that makes you feel disrespected and frustrated? This "backtalk" can be incredibly trying, especially when you're focused on a connected and attuned relationship with your child. Understanding that backtalk is often a developmentally appropriate form of communication can help you respond in ways that strengthen, rather than undermine, your relationship.

This week’s episode of the Raising Good Humans Podcast is all about backtalk. How to understand it in context, how to respond, and some practice scenarios in real time.

Let’s start with why backtalk makes sense developmentally.

Backtalk (aka sassiness, being fresh, disrespectful, argumentative, eye rolling, constantly pushing back, using a lot of sarcasm, being condescending, refusing, the “make me” attitude or blame shifting) is common as children grow. The push pull of independence isn’t easy, and backtalk is often a less skilled way for children to express real emotions and unmet needs.

• Toddlers: For toddlers, backtalk is largely expressed through physical frustration and the frequent use of "no." This "no" is developmentally appropriate, as they are asserting independence and testing boundaries. Responding with empathy, by verbalizing what you think they're trying to say, can help them gain the communication skills they need.

• Elementary: Children in Elementary School have more sophisticated language but are still learning social rules. They might repeat phrases from TV or friends, testing boundaries to see what's acceptable. Instead of assuming offense, calmly explain that certain phrases or behaviors are not okay, and help them find alternative ways to express irritation.

• Middle School: As critical thinking develops, children gain the ability to argue and question authority. Peer influence also becomes more significant. Backtalk at this stage can be a way to save face, especially if they feel embarrassed or ashamed, or to act like they don't care. Recognizing this can help you to not take it as personally.

• Adolescence: Meet the "perfect storm" for backtalk. Teens are individuating, pushing and pulling away from their parents as part of their identity formation. Rejecting you is a part of this, and while it might hurt, it's crucial to separate your feelings from what is useful or effective in the moment. Your connection remains paramount, and back talk isn't worth the fight.

10 Ways to Respond to back talk Without Undermining Your Relationship

Instead of meeting backtalk with anger, or engaging in a fight, here are 10 research-backed strategies to help you navigate these challenging moments and teach your child respectful communication:

1. Breathe and pause. Before responding, take a deep breath and count to six. This short pause can turn off your "fight" response, allowing you to react more calmly and model emotion regulation for your child.

2. Acknowledge the feeling behind the words. Understand that behavior is communication. What is your child trying to tell you? Is it an unmet need, a feeling of powerlessness, or a lack of autonomy? Leading with empathy, you could say, "I know how much it frustrates you when I don't let you do things that you really feel like you're ready to do." Even when older kids get annoyed by having you name feelings, it ultimately helps them feel understood.

3. Set clear boundaries with natural consequences. Explain to your child that disrespectful language or body language has consequences. For example, "When you speak to me that way, I don't feel like doing you favors like driving you to the mall." This teaches them that being kind matters in relationships.

4. Offer a "Do-Over." A do-over gives everyone a second chance to express themselves appropriately. You can make it silly, like rewinding a tape (good for younger kids), and then restate your request in a calm manner. For older kids, it can be a simple, "Let's try that again."

5. Collaborative problem-solving. For arguments about rules or decisions, include your child in the problem-solving process within your set boundaries. For example, if they think bedtime is too early, say, "It sounds like you think 8PM is way too early. I want to understand it and see if we can work something out together." When kids feel they have a choice, they're more likely to follow rules.

6. Change your voice (lower and slow down). Children unconsciously mirror the energy and tone they receive. By lowering and slowing your voice (neurobiological mirroring), you can help bring their nervous system down and encourage a more respectful tone from them. "I can see this is really important to you. Help me understand what's going on here, because what you were just saying didn't work for me."

7. Connect before you redirect: As Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson suggest, “Connect before you redirect.” This means connecting with your child first to open their brain for learning and cooperation. You might say, "What's going on? I can tell you're bothered.” while ignoring the back talk you received. This shows you're there for them even when they're struggling, making them more receptive to redirection. Then your child can really share whatever is going on with them (hopefully in a much more respectful way).

8. Use "I" statements instead of "You" statements. To minimize defensiveness and shame, focus on how you feel. Instead of, "You are disrespectful when you roll your eyes at me," try, "I feel disrespected when you roll your eyes at me. I want us to talk to each other in a kind and respectful way."

9. Offer limited choices. Empower your child by giving them choices, even when a boundary is firm. For instance, "You can use that tone with me, or you could choose a different tone. But how I respond to it is also going to be different based on the choice that you make." Or, "You don't want to clean your room right now. I hear that. Why don't you let me know if you want to do it before dinner or right after dinner?"

10. Have conversations during calm moments. Avoid trying to change back talk behavior in the heat of the moment, as the brain is not open for learning during heightened emotions. Instead, save important conversations for a calm time. "Hey, I've noticed we've been having some heated conversations lately, and I just want to figure out what's happening so we can talk about ways to treat each other better."

A few scenarios to practice

• When you hear, "You're so mean" try, "It sounds like you're really upset with my decision. Tell me more about that scenario."

• When you hear, "That's not fair" try, "You're right. It does not feel fair to you, I totally get that, and I want to understand your perspective. What are you thinking?"

And finally, the not-to-do list

• Don't take the bait and argue back.

• Try not to say things like, "Don't talk to me that way," unless you give an alternative.

• Try not to lecture in the moment when emotions are super high.

• Resist the urge to bring up past behavior.

Remember, backtalk is often a child's less skilled way of expressing real feelings, and your response teaches them how to handle conflict and strong emotions. While you won't get it right every time — because you're human — but striving for regulated and connected more often than not will be the most effective approach. This patience and practice will ultimately help your child reduce their reactivity and strengthen your relationship.

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