Reader Questions: When A Child is too Affectionate With Peers and When Parents Have Different Approaches to Discipline
I'm answering questions from readers
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I received a bunch of questions via email that I did not get to in the LIVE session, so I thought I would share these with the entire audience in case they are helpful. Please keep the questions coming so I can answer them in future group sessions, or on my Podcast or IG.
Q: My daughter is seven, in second grade, and an extremely nurturing, affectionate and loving person. She loves to give hugs and now at school she is having the challenge of personal space with others. She seems to be more aware of asking friends if she can give them a hug as we continue to have conversations. My nature is the opposite of hers in terms of being affectionate with others outside my immediate family. I don’t want to harness the beauty of who she is and how loving she is to all but I want her to learn space boundaries in a healthy way. How can I support her?
It sounds like whatever you are talking about with her is working! That’s a great start. In this case, I would start by letting her know how much you appreciate the motivation for this behavior. You can say something like, “I love how affectionate you are towards others, and how much you want to show others how you feel about them.”
Then you can say, “I wonder if everyone has a different way of telling people how they feel about them? For example, I don’t give a lot of hugs, but people still know I care for them very much. Do you think some of your friends may have a different way they tell other people they like being their friend? What are they?”
And finally, you can discuss how a person’s body needs “personal space” and that some people don’t want someone in their personal space, even if they love them. This can help her to understand that even though she means well, it isn’t always received well. You can remind her that though giving a hug feels great to her, it is important to understand how it feels to someone else. You can use hitting as an example here. What if someone loved hitting, and went around hitting everything and everyone? They may be having fun, but they would be hurting someone else by doing it. You aren’t implying that hugging is like hitting, but using an example that she can easily understand.
Reading social cues around how their behavior is being received by others is a tricky and complex process that children have to navigate throughout their lives. Parents can support this process by helping our children to notice the reactions of others, take the perspective of those around us (the thoughts and feelings of others), and growing awareness about their own behavior. Sounds like a good topic for a future newsletter!
Q: My husband and I are arguing about how to set boundaries with our son. We have different expectations of what is considered normal child outbursts vs “out of control” and while we agree on what the end goal should be, we have really different tactics and communication patterns for how to get there. My husband IMO is too strict and too authoritarian, he thinks I’m too lenient.
This is SUCH a common challenge among parents. Probably one of the MOST common questions I get, and of course it does not have an easy answer. You’ll both have to meet in the middle and agree on a consistent approach to be able to help guide your son…but that is easier said than done!
Here are a few things to keep in mind:
You cannot control anyone but yourself, so while having a conversation about approaches to parenting are important, remember to allow space for your partner to be in charge of their own approach. Ideally, you come together, but if you don’t, trying to control their parenting may end up leaving the two of you arguing and tense and leave your child more confused.
The research suggests that we want to balance our limits with sensitivity about who our child is. When all limits are enforced without sensitivity, our children do not have a chance to feel heard by us, and when someone does not feel heard, it is super adaptive to get louder in whatever way gets the job done. When we are all sensitivity with no limits, our children may feel overwhelmed by the power they are given and have trouble learning how to regulate to the demands of the world around them. They are not ready for that kind of power and look to us for leadership and guardrails.
All parents need to constantly find moments of balance. For example, we may have some absolute deal-breaker limits (personal to our family and environment), but then the enforcement of the everyday limits are filtered through who our child is. So if our rule is no TV before bed, but then our child is finished with their homework early, home sick from school, or has earned a special treat, we may bend that rule to accommodate what they need at that moment. Or we go to a loud and overstimulating party that is too much for our toddler, and we need to break a commitment we made to be there because it isn’t right for them at this moment. These are the moments where we can set an expectation, but then we need to adjust it based on what our child is telling us in that moment, or who they are. If you and your husband are on different extremes, this can be a helpful way to find the middle. You can keep those limits and enforce them with sensitivity. When in doubt, prior to setting the limit, acknowledge how your child feels. It’s not a big ask, it’s a quick tweak.
Consistency is key. Without a consistent sense of how you and your husband will respond, it makes it harder for your son to regulate his behavior. When children feel like they know what to expect, it is easier for them to manage their own responses.
For his relationship to develop with both you and your husband, we want your son to feel supported and guided by both of you. Having a good guy and bad guy, and asking your son to split you both to find the outcome he wants, doesn’t help us get there, and usually doesn’t help your relationship either. Communicating with your husband and finding unity will help you to be able to promote positive relationships with both of you for your son.
Our own sense of what is “normal” or “extreme” is often complicated by our own experience being parented. It can also be a challenge when we have a different temperament than our child, or when we are uncomfortable with the way they experience the world (i.e. too sensitive, too loud, too hyper, etc.). All of this difficult work is ours to do as parents. Finding ways that the two of you can talk about your own feelings and reactions to your son’s behavior can help you to find a place of understanding, and of unity. Sometimes we need to be heard (or say these feelings out loud) to find them. Try starting with your fears, your wishes and your hopes for your son. This can get you on the same page before you dig into what is being set-off for you individually about his behavior.
These were great questions and I know there are so many more. Join the next Ask Me Anything Parent Group by becoming a paid subscriber.
