Raising Kids in a Scary World and Recovering from Yelling
Recent press interviews
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Today, I am sharing excerpts from two recent pieces in which I was interviewed.
The excerpt below is from a piece called How to Raise Good Kids in a Scary World by Kara Baskin from the Parenting Unfiltered at Boston Globe.
By Kara Baskin
"An urgent part of adolescence is to get it wrong."
Dr. Aliza Pressman’s new book has an ambitious title. It’s called "The 5 Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans." Raising good humans using five principles? I’m happy if my kids put their laundry in the hamper.
Thankfully, the book itself is refreshing and non-scolding — a comprehensive yet accessible departure from so much parenting content out there. Pressman is a developmental psychologist, co-founder of the Mount Sinai Parenting Center in New York City, and she hosts the Raising Good Humans podcast, discussing everything from vaping to the upsides of anxiety. I highly recommend listening to the podcast and, if it's your thing, following her on Instagram.
So, how do we raise good humans in a world that feels not-good a lot of the time? I’m writing this right after a mass shooting in Lewiston, Maine. News from the Middle East is terrifying. Closer to home, my son’s middle school is discussing suicide this week, dovetailing with Bullying Prevention Month.
A few days ago, 33 states including Massachusetts sued Meta Platforms, which runs Facebook and Instagram, for harming young people’s mental health and contributing to the youth mental health crisis by knowingly designing features that addict kids to its platforms. If I can't stop scrolling long enough to watch "The Morning Show," what hope does my 7th-grader have?I don’t think anybody sets out to raise a jerk, but then your kids go to school — and who knows what’s going on when you’re not watching them? I’m pretty sure that my middle-schooler isn’t ever actively mean. I do wonder if he knows how to stand up for other kids. That’s murkier.
An urgent part of adolescence is to get it wrong — and then knowing that, if you made a mistake, the world doesn’t end, and that your parents don’t hate you, and that your friends forgive you. It’s part of the process of figuring out who you are and what it feels like in your body to make somebody feel bad or to be quiet when you see somebody being harmed. It’s about having developmentally appropriate expectations. As a developmental psychologist, I try to look at change over time, and growth. This makes it a lot easier to forgive yourself and your kids when you look at it as a trajectory.
Absolutely true: As a parent, you think: “My kid did something wrong, and that means I, as a parent, messed up.” My son recently did something dumb on Snapchat. He and his buddy took a screenshot of someone’s crush and texted it to friends. And I thought: Maybe I’m not talking to him enough about social media hygiene. And then it’s like: Wait: What kind of kid do I even have?
Exactly that. It is not only OK to make mistakes, but it’s a necessary part of development that we don’t get to skip over.
But you’re going: What did I do as a mother? Why am I such a bad parent? How could this have happened? And then you write the story of the future. If this happened, am I going to have a predator?
So what do we do? You have a relationship with your child. You know who they are. Acknowledge: “What just happened was not OK, but I also love you, and I know something must’ve been going on for you. I want to figure out what that was.”Click here to read the full piece
The second excerpt is from a piece titled Just Lost Your Temper with your Kid? Here’s what to do next according to therapists, by Kelsey Borresen of Huffington Post
No matter how much you try to hold it together, you’re bound to occasionally lose your temper with your child. You’re exhausted, stressed or don’t feel well, and your kid does something that pushes you over the edge.
While these may not be your proudest moments as a parent, they are human ones. You don’t need to beat yourself up or tell yourself you’re a shitty mom or dad. Instead, focus on repair by telling your kid you’re sorry, taking ownership of what you did and how it hurt them, and promising to do better next time.
“Repair isn’t about fixing mistakes that never should have happened, instead it is the space in which we grow,” psychologist and “Raising Good Humans” podcast host Aliza Pressman wrote in her forthcoming book, “The 5 Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans.”
“Mis-attunement is a necessary part of a healthy relationship. Making repairs as soon as we become aware of them is important — and doing so is much easier than we think…”
Below are some short therapist-backed scripts to keep in your pocket for the next time you lose your cool. You can adjust the wording as you see fit, as long as you’re hitting on the major points discussed above:
“My reaction was really big, and I am sorry. That must have felt scary. I love you even when I get angry. I will work on responding better next time.” This validates how your behavior made them feel and takes responsibility for your actions, “which shows them how to be accountable, and reiterate that you are a safe, loving parent,” Pressman said.
“Whoa, I really blew that moment; that was not your fault. Can we have a do-over? If I could say that again, I would not yell.” Here you’re again demonstrating your accountability while also acknowledging that parents are fallible, too, and sharing how you’d handle things differently next time, Pressman said.
“Hey, I just want to say I’m sorry for how I reacted. I want you to know that you can come to me for anything and I will work on hearing you rather than jumping in with anger. I care much more about the fact that you came to me than anything I could be upset about. I love you so much.” In this example, “you are reinforcing that your child can trust you and come to you for anything,” Pressman said. “Remember, you can’t help a child that hides from you, but you can help one that feels safe talking to you.”
Click here to read the full piece
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