Navigating Moral Differences with Your Kids
What’s your definition of harm?
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Teaching kids about morality is a complex task, especially in today's polarized world. In the New Year's edition of the Raising Good Humans Podcast (please excuse the delay!), I sat down with Dr. Kurt Gray, Professor in Psychology and Neuroscience at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, Director of the Deepest Beliefs Lab and the Center for the Science of Moral Understanding, and author of the upcoming book, Outraged: Why We Fight About Morality and Politics and How to Find Common Ground.
While we all want our children to hold strong convictions, we need to find a way to coexist alongside and respect differing viewpoints. This balance is crucial for raising empathetic and open-minded individuals, and for bringing greater understanding in this divisive world.
Where to start? As explained by Professor Gray, morality often stems from our own perceptions of harm. What do we worry will harm our kids? How do we imagine that action, or decision, will impact the lives of others, or be judged? For each of us, our perception of harm is deeply personal, based on a unique understanding of the world and how we were raised. I cannot tell you what to be afraid of for your children, just as you cannot tell me. Each of us must balance our sense of harm alone, and yet we cannot help but judge actions and people based on whether we believe they are causing harm or protecting against it. Think of the latest PTA meeting you attended, or a heated debate at the holidays. Disagreements arise when people have different interpretations of what constitutes harm, or which boogeyman they think is to blame.
“It is these competing perceptions of harm that drive our moral conflict. To understand moral conflict, to have this deep understanding, we need to ask ourselves, ‘What harm do they see when they disagree with me?’” Professor Kurt Gray
Gaining a sense of deep understanding. One of the central points that Professor Gray makes is that we need to stop aiming for persuasion, and start with understanding. Rather than trying to persuade others to adopt our beliefs, or argue about who is right or wrong, we can strive for deep understanding that explains why we believe what we believe. This involves recognizing that most people have good intentions, and are acting from a place of wanting to protect and do good, even if their actions or beliefs differ from ours. Learning about someone’s lens, perceptions, and beliefs, helps to make them human, to make them accessible, and to forge new relationships and common ground. This includes acknowledging that people are not their actions. As we know, behavior is not the same as personhood. Any “good” person can do something that is “bad.” A key aspect of fostering understanding is teaching kids to separate a person's behavior from their inherent worth. A person can make a mistake or hold a belief we disagree with and still be a good person. We can disapprove of a behavior without condemning the individual. What a way to view the current landscape!
Strategies for civil conversations. Professor Gray suggests putting the CIV back in civil conversations. This means we must:
Connect: Build a rapport before diving into sensitive topics. Show genuine interest in the other person's perspective.
Invite: Encourage open dialogue by inviting others to share their thoughts and beliefs.
Validate: Acknowledge the other person's feelings and perspectives, even if you disagree.
Remember that facts and statistics are often less effective than personal stories in fostering understanding. Instead, think about the value of personal stories and experiences in explaining how and why someone came to a belief or viewpoint. Ask your child, your friend, your neighbor, ‘Tell me more about why that resonates in your life,’ and you may discover the very real human response you’re looking for.
“The human experience is about stories. We all connect over stories.” Dr. Aliza Pressman
Helping our children. Here are 3 ways to help our children to build their own moral compass and remain curious and understanding of others.
Practice CIV (connecting, inviting, and validating) at home. Just as we said above, making people feel heard and understood is an essential way to communicate productively with them (and ensure they keep talking to you!). Start with modeling this for your children. Do you pepper them with questions, or just make space for them to talk? Do you ask them about their views and ideas, or just tell them what to do? Do you validate their experience and the challenges they’ve faced, or dismiss them? This is a reminder for all of our interactions - big and small - and tools we can bring to support healthy communication.
Instill in your children a sense of moral humility – the recognition that they don't have all the answers and can learn from others, even those they disagree with. If we act like we know it all, or are always right, there is very little room to understand anyone else. Instead, we can hold true to what we know (and why we believe it), AND accept that we have never walked in another’s shoes, held their beliefs, or experienced their lives. It does not threaten the strength of your foundation to allow room to acknowledge someone else's.
Work to separate personhood from beliefs. When we paint with a wide brush, and make people “good” or “bad,” we ignore the basic premise that most people are simply advocating for what they believe is right and just. However misguided we may find them, there is a distinction between being misinformed and being evil. Talking with your children about perspective taking and theory of mind - why someone believes what they believe (for example, because of their religion, the way they were raised, where they come from, or what happened to their family), can help to separate the notion that the “other side” of any disagreement is the enemy. Though it is tempting to lean into certainty - especially with young children - we want our kids to know that they can have beliefs that differ from ours and still be able to act with respect, with love, and with humility.
Professor Gray ends the episode with hope for the future - both in terms of the young students he sees engaging in difficult dialogue, with greater comfort and flexibility - and in terms of his definition of a “Good Human.” I decided there was no one better to ask about the title of my Podcast, and what it meant to him. His definition was pretty spectacular, but also spoke to the ways in which we can see “good” in our own ways. That is a hopeful message for me. That we can all find our own definition of a “Good Human”, and that we can lead our children to see goodness everywhere.
“I think a good human is someone who can appreciate the mental states, and the emotions and feelings of someone else, and really try to respect whether they are suffering and try to prevent that.” Professor Kurt Gray
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