Navigating Co-Parenting Conflicts
It’s complicated when you don’t get along
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So many people reach out to me with questions around co-parenting, and specifically what to do when co-parents don’t get along, or parent in the same way. Co-parenting is complicated!
Co-parenting can be challenging for all of us, but it is especially stressful when parents struggle to get along. There can be inconsistencies between homes, between rules, and between parents. This is true for many married couples as well, but obviously exists on a different level when you are parenting in two different homes.
Even in the best of circumstances it can be tempting to want to control our co-parents, alas, the only thing we can truly control are our own choices (and even then, our control only comes when we can reflect and regulate). We can focus on ourselves, on feeling connected, and about the relationship and environment we offer our children. We can build ourselves up with the knowledge that it only takes ONE reliable and loving caregiver to help a child to thrive. We can worry less about the actions of others and the moments that are outside of our scope.
What we do know from research is that conflicts between co-parents (which includes hostile feelings we think we’ve buried) can create a stressful environment for children. Conflicts can also undermine a child’s sense of stability and security, and negatively impact their relationships with both parents. Because of that, we want to make every effort to maintain a healthy relationship with our co-parent. That does not mean that we can control their actions or choices, but just that we put our best effort into creating healthy practices when we can.
1. Prioritize the Child’s Well-Being
This is most definitely NOT about the two of you, but rather about your child. Try keeping the focus on what your child needs, whenever you can, and making decisions based on them, not on the adults. This also means that you avoid exposing your child to conflicts or negative discussions about the other parent. Work on monitoring your behavior for signs of aggression you display regarding your co-parent, or for negative comments. Keep any discussions or arguments away from your child, or children, when you can. It is also beneficial for children to see their parents be civil toward each other at activities that focus on them. Encourage participation by both of you for school events, sports, and celebrations. This may mean inviting each other to birthday parties when kids are young, or agreeing to be at the same games when kids are older.
2. Clear and Concise Communication
Think of treating your relationship with your co-parent as a business arrangement, focusing on logistics and child-related matters. Take the history and emotion out of things, and stay focused on negotiating in a clear and concise way. Keep interactions focused on parenting topics, and avoid delving into personal matters that could trigger disputes. If face-to-face or phone conversations make things worse. or lead to fights, consider using emails or co-parenting apps to communicate more clearly and calmly.
3. Set Boundaries
We know that situations full of anxiety and uncertainty can cause dysregulation. Think of creating an outline of responsibilities, visitation schedules, and decision-making processes to help set appropriate boundaries. When these plans are written, it is easier for co-parents not to step on each other's toes, create new conflicts, or have misunderstandings. If you are able too (and I know this is a big if), respect each other’s personal space and household rules to foster a more cooperative co-parenting relationship.
4. Practice Your Own Conflict Resolution Skills
Our children aren’t the only ones struggling with their emotion regulation. Conflicts with co-parents can raise our defenses, heighten our nervous system, and send us into a reactive brain where our higher order thinking is shut down. Whenever you can, practice staying calm and composed during interactions with the co-parent, even when disagreements arise. This may mean, you need to practice some mindfulness techniques, like a box breath or counting to ten, or use a mantra to help you manage stress and rage. In addition to staying regulated, practice using your problem solving skills (again, like a business situation at work). Focus on practical solutions, strategies and compromise, rather than assigning blame.
5. Improve Communication
If things are really difficult between the two of you, and it is negatively impacting your child or children, consider working with a neutral third party - like a mediator - or with a therapist. Co-parenting counseling and conflict resolution sessions can make a big difference if you are both willing participants! You may also want to find a support group for co-parents where you can share experiences, gain insights from those in a similar circumstance, and receive emotional support.
6. Focus on Self-Care
As with all stressful situations - especially those that aren’t passing quickly - remember to keep your own tank full whenever you can. Find the activities that bring you joy, and carve out time to do them regularly. That includes prioritizing relationships that make you feel whole. Find friends and family members who can support you in this experience (nothing like holidays without your child), and can be a part of your recovery. Check out my episode with Maggie Smith to hear more about how friendships helped us both to survive divorce!
7. Be a Positive Role Model
If you can work to create a healthy co-parenting relationship, you can also be a tremendous role model for your child or children. When you demonstrate positive conflict resolution and communication skills, and work towards a higher purpose around your child’s wellbeing, you send your children the message that adults are capable of withstanding hard moments, learning new skills, and putting them first.
A quick reminder to buy my first book, The Five Principles of Parenting, and write a review from wherever you order. Reviews really help to get the book noticed, and to spread the word. Please especially rate and review any books purchased on Amazon (it shockingly really, really matters!). Also, when you receive the book, snap a quick pic with it and post on social media. Share one thing you love about it and help me to get more copies into the hands of parents in your community. Tell a friend about the book, or about something you found helpful in the book. Parents look to each other for advice, and I’d love to be a part of the support you pass on to your loved ones.