Myth: "Nobody Can Make You Feel A Certain Way"
Let's stop ignoring our connection to others
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This week, I want to encourage a reframing of an old myth. Let’s stop saying that “no one can make them feel a certain way.”
After a conversation with Dr. Dan Siegel, I’m thinking about how intra-connected we all are, and how important it is to acknowledge this for our kids.
I know this idea of being responsible for our own feelings came from an attempt to empower ourselves and our kids, and to help give them agency to control how they respond to those around them. “No one can make you feel a particular way” or “You are in charge of your own feelings.” It is well intentioned but a miss for any of us to pretend the feelings of those around us don’t impact us.
Have you ever walked into a room where everyone was laughing? You start to smile, to chuckle, to enjoy the atmosphere without ever hearing the joke. Or have you stumbled into a room where two people were tensely arguing? You can feel the tension in the air. You become anxious, heightened, on edge. Your nervous system notices what is going around and responds to it. That information that your body picks up on matters. As relational beings, we are impacted by the world around us, the people around us, by being part of this intra-connected self.
When we don’t acknowledge this intra-connectedness, it feels false to our children, denying their natural instincts. It also reinforces this false sense of the self that Dr. Siegel and I discussed, leaning into the false idea of individuality that has contributed to pervasive loneliness and mental health disorders in recent years. If we instead look at ourselves as part of something bigger, part of each other, would it really be so bad to admit that we all make each other feel? Couldn’t it help us to care more? Connect more? Be more present? Why wouldn’t we want to strive for that? It doesn’t mean we can’t make decisions about how to respond, or who to be around to set ourselves up to flourish, it just acknowledges that while we, of course, have an inner life, our whole selves are part of a much bigger picture.
So the next time you’re tempted to say, “No one can make you feel a certain way,” try saying, “I understand how that made you feel” instead. Acknowledge the influence of others - and be true to your own intra-connectedness.
Warmly,
