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After decades of the “gene vs environment debate,” most of us are intellectually convinced that it is BOTH our genetics AND our parenting environment that have made the unique humans we are parenting every day. Yet somehow, even though we know better, we can forget that temperament is one of those things that is baked into who we are.
This week, I had Professor Danielle Dick, author of The Child Code and inaugural director of the Rutgers Addiction Research Center at the Rutgers Brain Health Institute, on the podcast to talk about how parents can use an understanding of temperament - their own and their child’s - in order to find what works best for their children and relieve some of the pressure we all feel.
“We're not going to change genes, but by understanding how our children are naturally wired, it can help us figure out what's going to work best for each of our children, and take some of the pressure off of ourselves.” - Dr. Danielle Dick
One of the trickiest parts of understanding temperament can be deciphering what type of temperament you or your child have. Researchers use a series of questionnaires to establish the way in which someone responds to the world, but Dr. Dick has distilled it into easy to understand categories that she refers to as “The Big Three.”
Extroversion: How outgoing, energetic or social you are. How much you draw energy from and enjoy time around large groups, gatherings and social settings.
Emotionality: How reactive we are in response to our emotions. How prone we are to fear, frustration and distress, and how deeply and disproportionately we may react to situations.
Effortful Control: How we regulate and moderate our behavior. How well we naturally control our impulsivity.
As we know from the research, though there are genetic components to temperament, there is still space for us to help our children adapt their natural temperament to make their experience in this world have greater ease.
“There is a range where you can take a child's temperament and through the environment, help them become the best version of themselves.” - Dr. Danielle Dick
Though we want our children to accept and appreciate all of their traits, we also need to recognize our struggles in parenting children who have an immensely similar, or mismatched temperament. For example, an introverted parent and an extroverted child have trouble relating to each other’s experiences in social settings, while two high emotionality parents and children could feed off of each other and increase their distress and reactivity. For this reason, understanding ourselves and our children's inclinations can make us stronger as parents and families.
5 Tips to Considering Temperament:
Notice patterns in your child’s responses to new situations. Are they cautious, curious, outgoing, hesitant, excitable, anxious? Pay attention to the way in which they see and respond to the world, and try to become attuned to their experience.
Support your child in understanding their feelings and reactions. Our world does enough to suggest to children that there are “good” temperaments and “bad” ones. Instead, focus on helping your child to unlock the patterns of their temperament and be empowered to work toward figuring out their own path forward. Maybe that means helping an introvert to find a way to manage social situations that feels genuine to them, or helping a child with high impulsivity to create a mantra that serves to slow them down when needed.
Consider your culture and expectations around temperament. Maybe you come from a loud and excitable family, and face expectations around participation in family events or holidays. Maybe this has always suited you, but would not suit your child, or vice versa. Think of ways to honor your own experience and feelings AND participate in activities that are meaningful to you.
Don’t judge the behavior or temperaments of others. We can never understand the experiences of others, and when we allow ourselves to place judgment on how their brains or bodies react to the world, we fall into the trap of blaming parents or children for the diversity of our temperaments and experiences.
Focus on the aspects of temperament that you can influence, and relieve yourself of the pressure to fix or change your child’s disposition. Instead, find ways to celebrate who your child is, to empower their strengths, and to find peace and pleasure in your relationship together.
To read more on temperament, check out this piece I wrote in March!