My 10 Year Old Did Not Get Invited to the Party
Answering a listener question on friendships
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Hey Aliza,
How would you handle a 10 yr-old-girl who feels she is being left out by her peers? She has found out that a girl in her class is having a sleepover and she isn't invited. I explained, I understand how she must feel, but I'm sure it wasn't a personal thing and probably just the girl only has a certain amount of space. My daughter is confident and outgoing, has a group of friends (who she has play dates with), does get invited to parties, etc., but she is in tears over it. It's normal to be closer to some peers and not others, right? Doesn't mean you are a bad person or not popular. She hasn't invited this girl to playdates so I said this other girl may feel left out too, sometimes? Help!
Oh this stuff is painful. I feel you in this!
First, you did great. You validated the feelings of being left out, showed empathy for how hard that is, and you offered some perspective-taking around what the other girl may be thinking or feeling. Check, check, check. Even when you’ve done everything “right,” friendship is still hard. Convincing your child of all of the reasons it is or is not personal, or making excuses, may not always be possible or necessary. Sometimes it just feels crummy.
And yes, it is absolutely normal for your child to experience feelings of being left out, and to have varying levels of closeness with different friends. This is a common and natural part of childhood and social-development.
No, not getting invited to a party doesn't mean you're not popular. There are many reasons why someone might not be invited to a particular event but since there is no way of knowing which one it is, it’s more important to reflect on why it matters, and what popularity means to you. While that term may be valuable to you (based on your experience growing up or your own desires for your child to have friends) try not to cling to it. Popularity isn’t the goal (for your child or for anyone), and we don't want to let one missed invitation define your child’s self-worth or social standing.
In the early elementary school years, friendships are often based on proximity and convenience. Children tend to gravitate towards those that they see regularly, or with whom they spend time (like one-on-one playdates), and “closeness” may look different from one week to the next. For example, after a playdate, two kids may be “attached at the hip,” only to drift apart weeks later. As they grow older, this may begin to change. However, even within a group of friends, there will always be fluctuations in closeness and dynamics.
The developmental stage of early tweens also plays a role in these experiences. Children in this age group are still learning to consider others' perspectives, to take turns, and to understand the complexities of reciprocity. They may struggle with jealousy, fitting in, and maintaining friendships, leading to feelings of exclusion or shifting alliances. All of this is not only normal, but essential to their later understanding of friendship.
Though painful, it's important to remember that friendships are a learning ground for children. Through these relationships, they develop essential social skills like negotiation, compromise, forgiveness, and cooperation. They also learn about the characteristics of healthy friendships, including kindness, fairness, and emotional safety.
As a parent, it can be hard to sit on your hands while you bear witness to the struggles of friendship. Staying quiet is SO IMPORTANT and SO HARD. Here are my top few tips:
Validate feelings and offer guidance without rescuing your child from every social challenge.
Encourage your child to express their emotions (while you listen), and encourage them to find their own solutions.
Help your child to understand that friendships evolve over time, and that it's okay to have different levels of closeness with different friends.
Talk about friendships in a fluid way that leaves plenty of room for “good days” and “hard ones.”
Model forgiveness and repair around friendships. This may mean helping your child to see that a perceived injury is recoverable, and that friendships are not lost when someone’s feelings are hurt. At the same time, let them know that if someone persistently makes them feel “less than” they may want to move on to other friends. Help them define what a friend actually is, and what characteristics to look for.
Remember, experiencing occasional feelings of being left out is not a reflection of your child's worth or social standing, or something to panic about. It's simply a part of being a kid and a person.
Check out previous episodes and articles on friendship below:
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I wish this conversation could expand to acknowledge and include the kids who are not in the typical developmental range, and whose struggles for friendship are quite difficult. My niece, who has a severe speech disorder and autism, longs for friends. I dream of a world where the parents of the typical kids show their children how to reach out to their peers who are so very different, and too often so very alone.