Mattering And Why It Matters

How to anchor your family in unconditional worth

I have a hunch that this latest episode of Raising Good Humans Podcast is the new year’s reset that you actually need. NYT bestselling author of Never Enough, Jennifer Wallace, is sharing her Mattering Movement with us on the latest episode of the Raising Good Humans Podcast - and soon with the world - in her latest and gorgeous book, Mattering, available for preorder now.

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

In case you missed the meaningful work Jennifer did in her first book, she focuses on solutions to a world defined by the relentless pursuit of achievement, and the crushing pressure on both children and parents to perform. In her work researching and writing the book, Jennifer found that beneath the accolades and successes that people sought there was a profound, universal ache: a sense that we don’t truly matter. As Jennifer’s work reveals, this unmet, fundamental human need, could be at the heart of both the adult struggle with loneliness and the youth mental health crisis.

 What I have come to realize is that if we want to make a dent in the youth mental health crisis, we need to go upstream and take care of the adults in their lives. -Jennifer Wallace

The concept of “mattering” - to feel valued and to have an opportunity to add value to the world around us - is more than a nice idea. The research around resilience suggests it even seems to act as a psychological shield. Children who thrive, despite immense pressure, share a feeling that they believe they matter for who they are at their core, not just for their accomplishments.

To help our children develop this protective shield of unconditional worth, we, the adults in their lives, must model and live it first. True mattering begins with nurturing an ecosystem where everyone belongs, starting with ourselves and extending to our families.

How did we get here? The symptoms of feeling like you don’t matter - loneliness, meaninglessness, and purposelessness - have become the sign of our individualistic, capitalistic society. Instead of all for one, we are all for ourselves in a way that neglects the cooperation that traditional societies had for centuries. But Jennifer is showing us a way back to a place where we can begin to mend those injuries and reconnect.

 In this independence culture, we may have overcorrected and forgotten that as humans, we have to be interdependent. - Dr. Aliza Pressman

So, what do we DO to start refocusing on mattering? Jennifer’s SAID framework breaks down the four core components of mattering that we can practice in our daily lives. By practicing SAID, you can build a more resilient and connected life for yourself and the people you love.

• S - Significant: Feeling important and prioritized, not just in big moments, but in the small, mundane details of daily life. It’s about feeling truly seen and known.

• A - Appreciated: Go beyond thanking someone for a deed and appreciate the doer behind the deed. This reinforces their core worth and sense of mattering.

• I - Invested In: Having people in your life who are genuinely invested in your success and goals. And, more importantly, being the investor for others — tapping into the “free joy” of their wins!

• D - Depended On: Feeling needed by others. Allowing people to rely on you in healthy ways and welcoming the friction in human relationships that creates meaning and resilience.

Tips for parents to try right now: An ecosystem of mattering is built by a sturdier, more resilient adult who models the balance. This is not mattering above someone else, and it is not placing others needs above your own. It is about focusing on our roles in caring for and showing up for others to fill our own buckets as well.

• Commit to One Small Need.

  Make the practice of meeting a personal need a radical priority. Every morning, ask yourself: What is one small need I have today that I have to meet so that I can show up as my best self for the people I care about? Jennifer describes that this could be a cup of coffee enjoyed in peace or a short walk. By tending to your own needs, you show up sturdier and more resilient for your children.

• Build Your Corner Group.

  Loneliness is widespread, and social skills for deep connection have atrophied. Combat this by harnessing the power of invitation. Start small by creating scaffolding for connection. The key is to commit to prioritizing each other by putting it on the calendar. This investment in meaningful friendships feeds your mattering and makes you more resilient.

Tips for our children right now: We need to prioritize the idea of connection, of caring, and of empathy.

• Chores as Citizenship.

  Reject the idea that a child cannot be a contributing member to the household. Set chores that make your child feel like they are adding value in significant ways at home. This is how we raise future citizens of the world.

• Setting a Bar for Behavior.

  Make sure you are not allowing your child to send “anti-matter signals” to others. While we cannot control their friends or their actions, we can make our children accountable for their actions, the impact they have on others, and encourage empathy and understanding.

• “Better for Others.”

  In a high-achieving culture, shift the focus from personal rank to contribution with the mantra: “Not better than others, but better for others.” Help your kids understand they are succeeding not just for themselves, but to put their gifts out into the world. This is a way of controlling the immense pressure they face.

In a mattering-deprived world, Jennifer’s movement is a powerful gift for all of us. It requires that we do so little - and yet so much. As we face another year, and many struggles and challenges around us, join me in trying to let those around us know how much they matter in our lives. In turn, we may discover how much we matter in theirs. More to come.