Managing Perfectionism - Part 1
Tips to help decrease perfectionism in your child
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With the rates of perfectionism among young people on the rise, let’s talk about how to help our children aim for achievement without the punishing price.
What does a perfectionist look like?
Many of us may have perfectionist tendencies, but it’s important to outline the characteristics that we are talking about here. Perfectionists aren’t simply aiming for success, they’re operating from a place of fear and insecurity around their own abilities and self-worth and in some cases, may be doing so for the external validation of others more than themselves.
There are three types of perfectionism outlined in the research. “Other-oriented” perfectionists who set unrealistic standards for others; “self-oriented” perfectionists who impose these standards on themselves, and “socially prescribed” perfectionists who feel these standards are placed on them from external sources, like parents or community.
For all perfectionists, the following features may be present:
Perfectionists often establish unrealistic goals and place enormous pressure on themselves to achieve them.
Perfectionists view anything short of their achieved goal to be a complete failure. In some cases it prohibits them from trying at all (why bother if I will only be mediocre), in other cases, even “successes” are not enough.
Even when “successful,”perfectionists often struggle to enjoy their accomplishments, and increase the pressure and worry around whether they will be able to repeat success in the future.
What’s the harm?
Perfectionism has been linked to many negative outcomes, including anxiety, stress, withdrawal, and isolation. The pressure to succeed leads to fear, hiding, and the mental health effects of prolonged and untreated stress.
Children who are perfectionists may exhibit many different symptoms, including difficulty completing assignments/procrastination, sensitivity to criticism, low self-esteem, indecision, and excessive critiques of others. What looks like a kid who has no motivation, may indeed be a kid frozen in perfectionistic tendencies.
What contributes to perfectionism?
Research tells us that there are many factors that contribute to perfectionism in children. These include academic demands, biological factors (like history of mental health challenges), low self-esteem, parental pressure, traumatic events, and media representation. The story is not hopeless. Studies also show that parents can reduce perfectionism with their children at home – first by recognizing behaviors if they exist, and by openly discussing perfectionist thinking reguarly.
▪ Check your own expectations. Make sure your child knows that your high hopes for them are separate from your love and support. If they believe your love is wrapped up in their accomplishments, they may strive to keep achieving in the hopes of keeping your love. Talk about goals for the long-term, including realistic language about how achieving goals takes time, patience, and hard-work. When you talk about others, make sure you also focus on these values. Notice that it is not just about how you perceive or value their accomplishments, but also the way you talk about the accomplishments of others.
▪ Set goals together. Talk with your child about what they are interested in, what they wish to pursue, and what they hope to achieve. Help them to understand what they can control (vs. what is outside of their control), and to set attainable and realistic goals to work toward.
▪ Model making mistakes and recovering. Ditch the idea that parents are perfect and try modeling your own challenges. Talk about forgiving yourself, learning from mistakes, and recovering from disappointment or failures. Give your children strategies about how they can recover and regulate after feeling disappointed, too. Every time you have a parenting fail and you forgive yourself, you are showing your child that perfect is off the table!
▪ Build self-esteem. Find activities your child loves, and that help them to feel good. Focus on enjoying the process and not the end result. Use growth-mindset language, like adding “yet,”to the end of a sentence about goals. This helps them focus on improvement overtime and realistic expectations around performance. Ditch the phrase “practice makes perfect” and pivot to “practice makes progress!”
▪ Focus on self-compassion. Model forgiveness for your own mistakes, and talk about how to replace your critical inner voice with a more understanding and supportive one. You can suggest specific bounce back statements, like “mistakes are just a part of learning,” or bounce back strategies like making a “beautiful oops” out of what at first appears to be a mistake (check out the Beautiful Oops book for younger kids)
Part two of this equation is identifying whether you are a perfectionist parent, and coming to terms with your own tendencies! This is not for blame, it is for turning our attention to the parts of perfectionism that are in our control. That newsletter is coming soon – stay tuned. In the meantime, let me know what you’re seeing and whether perfectionism is coming up in your household. It’s good to hear from you and I’m grateful for this community.
Warmly,
Thanks for being a part of Raising Good Humans. We are in this together.