“Look Out!”

Answering a listener question on toddler throwing

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Hi Dr. Aliza,

How can I stop my 20-month-old from throwing toys at other children? When a child comes over to him, he immediately throws whatever toy he is playing with at the other child. He’s not mad at all. His mood appears fine. I’m not sure if he’s unsure of how to play with someone, or if he just doesn’t want a play partner and that’s why he’s throwing toys? When this happens, I say to him, “Legos are for building, not for throwing.” But he typically continues to throw toys and I often have to redirect him away from that toy to a different one, without the other child. Please help!

You probably already sense this, but I want to reassure you that the throwing phase is typical. However, knowing that doesn’t make it any easier to manage in the moment. I so appreciate how hard you’ve been working to help your son learn how to play with his toys, and your efforts will pay off! He definitely knows that you don’t want him to throw his toys….unfortunately he has a lot of time before he will have the skills to take that knowledge and change the behavior. Here are some things to take into consideration:

1. Parallel Play.

   20 month olds are generally partaking in parallel play, meaning they may play alongside another child, but they are not prepared to integrate another person into their play. They are absorbed in their own imagination, exploration, and interests, so the thoughts and feelings of another are not super interesting. Is this normal? Completely. Is this fun to watch? Not so much. Parallel play can be confusing because it looks like your child doesn’t like another child, but this isn’t personal. By understanding that your son may not be interested (yet!) in playing with another child, you can try to focus on other ways he can communicate this feeling. One strategy is to suggest the words he could use, like “no” if he doesn’t want to engage, or “help” if he needs you to come and assist him in managing the interaction. For example, “I know you want to play alone, so you can say “mine” or “no” if you don’t want your friend to play”. If he is combining words you can expand to “mine please” or  “no thanks”. Or if you suspect he is throwing for another reason, label that feeling for him and make a suggestion on what to do instead. That way the focus is on the feeling he is trying to communicate (which at the moment is being masked by the throwing). For example, “I know you’re mad that we have to leave now, but we can’t throw this toy. Instead we can roar like a lion.”

2. Turn Taking (aka sharing).

   Sharing is a complicated process for all of us. It is normal for children to feel territorial or threatened when they think another child is coming for a toy (or object) that interests them. Feeling concerned about an object getting touched or disturbed can bring out the worst in many toddlers, thanks to still-developing impulse control and self-regulation. Instead of commenting on the throwing, you can replace the behavior with words. “If you aren’t ready to give a turn, you can say “my turn” so that your friend knows.” Or you can help your child to practice taking turns (a more age-appropriate way to understand sharing) by setting a timer to help facilitate turns. Like, “You can have 5 minutes with the Legos and then we have to give your friend a turn for 5 minutes. Then you can get it back. Let’s practice! When the timer goes off, you will give the Legos and then you’ll get them back.” Another strategy is to try and talk through the scenario with your son in advance, and pick something that is easier for him to share. For example, “Your friend is going to come over to play. Let’s pick something that you can both play together and that we can both use.” Then perhaps you pick an activity that is easier for your son to manage with a friend, and not the familiar or special toys with which he is most attached.

3. Attention.

   All toddlers will engage in big actions that get our attention - even if the attention is negative. Sometimes, our big reaction to these actions can actually fuel them. Talking about the throwing over and over - even with the best intentions and the appropriate language - still means that your toddler gets attention from you each time. Instead, try focusing on the opposite behavior, in this case, keeping his toys on the floor, which can help bring attention to the behavior you’d like to see more. Noticing every time that your son is playing safely and commenting on it (something like, “You are building that tower and keeping the legos on the floor. Thank you!”) will give him more of your attention in moments where he isn’t throwing!

Hang in there, and remember that like many phases, this will eventually pass as your toddler learns more ways to communicate. Toddlers have so few ways to tell us all they are thinking and feeling, and often the behavior they exhibit is just the easiest way they can find to express themselves. Their big reactions and behaviors are what they can access most easily, but it won’t be that way forever. Working on alternate ways to express their feelings is an ongoing process that you will be helping to support for years to come.