Living With Uncertainty?
Living With Uncertainty?
What to do when we don’t have all the answers
Thanks for reading Raising Good Humans on Substack! My first book, The Five Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans is now available for purchase here.
On last week’s episode of the Raising Good Humans Podcast, I talked with the beloved and wise Kate Bowler, Ph.D., x4 New York Times bestselling author, award-winning podcast host, and professor at Duke University. After Kate’s personal battle with stage 4 colon cancer, her insistence on living with uncertainty can help us all to refocus on what connection really means, and how much it really matters.
“It's a tricky thing for any of us to live inside, ‘What’s wrong with me if this solvable world is not yet solvable?’” Dr. Kate Bowler
Why is it so difficult for us to accept that we don't have all the answers?
The urge to protect. At the core of our struggle with uncertainty lies the deeply ingrained instinct to protect our children. From the moment they're born, we feel an overwhelming responsibility to shield them from harm, both physical and emotional. It is our JOB! Challenging ourselves to be with our children in pain means fighting against powerful instincts as caregivers. When faced with uncertainty, our brains go into overdrive, trying to anticipate every possible scenario and find a way to control the outcome. Sitting with our children’s pain, even accepting that they will and must experience pain, is a critical part of our role as parents. They need to know that they can survive these hard feelings, and that we can, too.
Feeling useful. As parents, there is nothing we like more than feeling useful. We FIX!! We want to solve problems, to be helpful, to search out answers (thus the reason you’re reading this), to seek reassurance, and to do the “right” thing. But we know that this can sometimes be too much. We can “over-parent”, we can overstep our boundaries. Sometimes, this rush to fix can also make us overreact to situations where we aren’t needed, or catastrophize when things are much more routine than we believe. Fixing can also interfere with our children’s autonomy, taking away natural consequences to their actions and depriving them of learning from their mistakes.
I want control. Of course you do. Don’t most of us? Our aversion to uncertainty is fueled by the illusion of control. We believe that we can shape our children's lives and protect them from any adversity. A+B = C in our search to do whatever we need to to help our children find success. Control makes us feel safe, grounded, and powerful. Life is unpredictable and our children will inevitably face challenges and setbacks. They are supposed to! In the episode, we talk about how this illusion of control can A) force us into telling our children (and ourselves) lies to try and regain control and B) create a framework of blame that leaves us feeling like failures when we fail to control the uncertain.
“We lie so much to protect our kids, and those lies sit inside of them.” Dr. Aliza Pressman
Can we come to terms with the unknown? Kate reminds us of the truly beautiful ways that we can lean closer to uncertainty and make peace with our experience. She works to balance faith with realism in a way that challenges all of us to do the same.
“One of the questions of my life is what hope and belief means if it's not always a guarantee.” Dr. Kate Bowler
Here are a few ideas of where to get started:
Practice mindfulness. Cultivate a present-moment awareness of your thoughts and feelings. By paying attention to your emotions, you can create some breathing room between what sets you off and how you react, which helps you respond in a more thoughtful way.
Focus on connection. When your child is facing a challenge, prioritize emotional connection over quick fixes. Offer them a safe space to express their feelings and listen with empathy and understanding.
Seek support. Reach out and share concerns and fears, and ask for and accept help when you need it.
Embrace imperfection. As I always say, trying to be perfect isn’t the goal. Not for you and not for your child.
“Once you realize that you cannot possibly be perfect, then suddenly you realize you cannot possibly do it alone.” Dr. Kate Bowler
Sitting in pain and embracing the uncomfortable isn't easy. It’s also the only choice we have as humans! Learning to be comfortable in our skin, forgiving in our pain, and uncertain in the future is some of the most important work we have ahead. And we are capable.
“You don't feel lonely unless you're longing for connection.” Dr. Aliza Pressman
A quick reminder to buy my first book, The Five Principles of Parenting, and write a review from wherever you order. Reviews really help to get the book noticed, and to spread the word. Please especially rate and review any books purchased on Amazon (it shockingly really, really matters!). Also, when you receive the book, snap a quick pic with it and post on social media. Share one thing you love about it and help me to get more copies into the hands of parents in your community. Tell a friend about the book, or about something you found helpful in the book. Parents look to each other for advice, and I’d love to be a part of the support you pass on to your loved ones.