It’s not you, it’s me

What we worry about for our kids has a lot to do with us

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Photo by Bence Halmosi on Unsplash

I’m not the first person to tell you that many of the worries we have as parents represent our own stuff. That goes without saying. Often, when parents come to me asking about their children, they are really asking about their own insecurities, baggage, fears, and worries. As humans, the struggle to understand ourselves, to unwind our own experiences from our wishes for our children, is hard work.

In this week’s episode of the Raising Good Humans podcast, I’m sharing an episode of Jay Shetty’s podcast, On Purpose, in which we talked about raising confident and resilient kids. What also came out in the discussion is that the painfulness of our children’s struggles often brings up guilt and shame about our parenting that is hard to manage. When I reflected on moments that I disappoint myself as a mother, I realized that it is usually when my kids are doing something that I feel is hard for them, or they get hurt, or when I think to myself, “They should be better at this because of my parenting.” And that I was the one who blew it. My anger, in those moments, is not about them (or whatever is happening) at all - but it can come out that way, when I react. 

I’m motivated to talk about this because I don’t want to react with anger at my kids when I am feeling like a failure. So I am forced to face how and why we feel such shame.

Is it all my fault?

It's a question that haunts many of us: "Did I do this? What did I do wrong?" We pour ourselves into raising our children, striving to provide them with the tools they need to thrive. Yet, despite our best efforts, they inevitably face challenges, setbacks, and sometimes more significant struggles. It's natural to feel a sense of responsibility, even guilt, when our children experience difficulties - but we have to frame it differently.

The relationship between our parenting and our children's struggles is complex. While we undoubtedly play a significant role in shaping their development - we are an “environment”  - it's crucial to remember that we are not the only environment and that there are other environmental and genetic factors at play. Our children’s temperament is a central piece to how they respond and interact with the world. 

As parents, we of course have an influence on our children's lives, especially in their early years. We provide the foundation for their emotional, social, and cognitive development. However, influence is not the same as control. We cannot dictate every aspect of their lives or shield them from every hardship. Most important for our parent-child relationships, and the growth and development of our children, is to focus on parenting the child we have. To be responsive to their needs, to be understanding of their temperament, to challenge them in the ways that help them grow within the capacity they have. The most beautiful framing of temperament comes from Dr. W. Thomas Boyce’s research (you can check out his book). He studied why some kids seem to thrive and others struggle given similar challenges. He came up with the metaphor of the orchid and the dandelion. Dandelions grow given a range of exposure to sunlight, water and soil, while orchids only thrive in specific circumstances (but when they do, they are magnificent). If you were gardening, you would not plant one kind of seed and expect to change the flower that blooms. Instead, you would offer the sunlight, water, and soil needed by the seed that has been planted.

It is also essential to remember that struggle is an inherent part of life and an essential component of growth. It teaches resilience, problem-solving skills, and the ability to cope with adversity. Trying to prevent our children from ever struggling should never be our parenting goal. Instead, we should be helping our children learn to work through the challenges life will inevitably deliver. When your child is struggling, the most important thing you can do is offer unconditional love and support. Listen empathetically, validate their feelings, and help them explore solutions. Help them learn to sit with their discomfort, and try not to let it take you to a place of shame. If you feel yourself going there, take a moment to calm your own nervous system, and refocus on your child. As every rom-com of the 1990’s should have taught us all, it’s not you, it’s them.

The most important thing is to foster a loving and supportive relationship with your child. Be present, be understanding, be a puppy dog in the early years, and a cat later on. A dog is overly enthusiastic, happy to see you, constantly licking your hand = toddler parent. A cat is always there, mostly silent, and occasionally rubs against your feet = adolescents. This may also mean that you need to look at your own temperament differently. 

Your parenting style is not meant to be fixed, or developed in isolation from your child. As we know from the concept of “goodness of fit,” there are many factors that influence how a child and parent interact. Importantly, your child’s unique temperament - or the way in which they see and experience the world - and that of your own, need to find a way to communicate effectively. If your child is highly sensitive and you are not, understanding this difference may be essential to keeping the temperature in your house down. If parents are sensitive to their child’s temperament and can recognize their child’s unique strengths, it may make family life smoother. On the other hand, a “poor fit” between the child’s temperament and expectations of their caregivers is one of the most common sources of parent–child distress, and of reactive behavior problems in children. 

Because our temperaments can also be so different from our child’s, it is also important to take a moment to think, “What is the benefit of reacting in a different way?” Maybe our child’s view - though foreign to us - helps them to see things more clearly, or pay attention to something new and undiscovered. Maybe it means that they will thrive in ways we did not, find solutions, and achieve different, but meaningful, heights. Different isn’t bad. The path isn’t on you to decide.

What does this look like? Think of it through this statement (as if you’re saying it to your child); “I'm not going to assume that you and I are the same person. I'm not telling the same story, and I am going to let you unfold as you are. I'm going to give you what I can offer, but you are going to write your own history.”

Some of you may be reading this and thinking, “Oh my God, how much is there to think about?” I hear you. But this is about paying attention in the small moments, and approaching with curiosity. When you have the capacity to give attention to things, it doesn’t need to feel hard. We are not trying to be right. We are only opening ourselves to looking at things with a different lens, to try and challenge ourselves more often than not. 

A quick reminder to buy my first book, The Five Principles of Parenting, and write a review from wherever you order. Reviews really help to get the book noticed, and to spread the word. Please especially rate and review any books purchased on Amazon (it shockingly really, really matters!). Also, when you receive the book, snap a quick pic with it and post on social media. Share one thing you love about it and help me to get more copies into the hands of parents in your community. Tell a friend about the book, or about something you found helpful in the book. Parents look to each other for advice, and I’d love to be a part of the support you pass on to your loved ones.