It’s ALL Talk
Tips on the art and science of conversation skills
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Many kids could use a boost in their conversation skills. Maybe they're awkward, anxious, or they just need some guidance navigating the tricky social situations of everyday adolescence. This isn’t about making every child a chatty extrovert, rather it is to help your child develop the skills they need to feel confident and comfortable in social situations.
This week, I enlisted the help of Dr. Alison Wood Brooks, Harvard Business School professor, and author of the upcoming book Talk: The Science of Social Connection. In her popular class, Dr. Wood Brooks helps her students understand the science behind conversation skills, and learn concrete tools to take out into the real world.
According to Dr. Wood Brooks, conversation is a teachable skill. Some kids may seem naturally gifted, but everyone can learn and improve. The myth of naturalness in conversation skills refers to the belief that some people are simply born with the ability to be charismatic and engaging conversationalists. However, this is not true. Conversation skills are learnable, and can be improved with practice. Even those who seem naturally gifted often are using many of the strategies that can be used by us all.
“It is so easy to see other people that seem like they're naturally gifted in conversation. The truth is, conversation is a skill and it is learnable.” Dr. Alison Wood Brooks
5 Ways to Build Conversation Skills Starting Now
Think Ahead: It might sound a little formal, but encouraging your kids to think about who they'll see and what they might talk about beforehand can make a big difference. Start by suggesting that your child think through the upcoming day and predict who they might see or run into. For example, if they have basketball practice, they'll likely see their teammates, coaches, and other parents. If it's a school day, they can think about who has lockers near theirs, or who is in their classes. Then, they can begin to plan what they might talk about. When kids plan topics in advance, they're less likely to experience awkward silences, or feel panicked about what to say next. They can also use the planning time to personalize the discussion to what they know their audience is into, or what they know about them. Did they tell you about a trip? Are they into soccer and watching a big game tomorrow? Did they have a sick dog? Having personalized details can help convey genuine interest and attention which strengthens relationships. Even a brief brainstorming session of 30 seconds can significantly improve the flow and enjoyment of conversations (and she suggests using it with family members, or conversations between you and your kids, as well). This is one area where I also feel like anxious kids can excel. Since they are already thinking (and stressing) about conversations ahead of time, we can channel that anxiety into planning and thoughtfulness. All that ruminating can be put to good use!
“A lot of the qualities that anxious kids have actually lend themselves beautifully to being strong conversationalists.” Dr. Aliza Pressman
Listen Up: We all know listening is crucial, but it's more than just nodding and smiling. Help your kids learn to show they're listening by repeating back what they've heard, asking follow-up questions, and show genuine interest. Again, anxious kids may lend themselves to this skill as well! While engaging in conversation may be hard, anxious kids are often paying attention to nonverbal cues, noticing and remembering small details, and keeping track of what is being communicated. Getting our kids to express what they have heard is another skill to pay attention to. Sometimes, not being able to acknowledge or repeat what they’ve heard can make it seem like kids aren’t hearing what they actually are! Model ways they can repeat or summarize what happened for future use and connection.
“Quiet kids, or those who have not learned how to express listening yet, aren't good at showing their parents that they have heard them.” Dr. Alison Wood Brooks
Keep It Light: Conversations don't have to be serious all the time! Levity can be a practical tool to help keep your audience engaged and make heavy topics more comfortable for everyone. Encourage your kids to find ways to add a little humor and warmth to their interactions. It could be a funny story, a compliment, or even just a shared laugh.
“Levity is about finding the fun. It's not about necessarily being funny. It's about finding the fun and the warmth in any situation.” Dr. Alison Wood Brooks
Disagree Agreeably: Disagreements are bound to happen in any conversation, but they don't have to be unpleasant, or a barrier that blocks our kids from making connections or strengthening relationships. Teach your kids to acknowledge other people's feelings openly, even if they disagree with their opinions. That may mean saying, “I know this is super hard for you to talk about,” or, “I know we don’t agree on this,” but still be open to having the conversation. Instead of agreement, the goal of good conversations is to be respectful and open-minded. This is a much needed and extremely difficult task for all of us!
“The answer to heated debate and difficult conversations with disagreements is often receptiveness. You can talk about anything hard if you have the right skills.” Dr. Alison Wood Brooks
Dealing with Difficult People: Some people are just tough to talk to (even the data confirms this!!). If you know your child is working hard to make a relationship work with someone who is constantly negative or unreceptive, it's okay to encourage them to limit their interactions with that person.
A note on anxiety: Anxiety can make conversations feel even more challenging. Help your child reframe their anxiety as excitement. Explain how anxiety works within the body to help them to pay attention, focus, and take on a new challenge. Work to change your anxious kiddos’ focus to be on the positive aspects of the interaction, and remind them that everyone makes mistakes in conversations.
A note for the "Social Butterfly" kids: Some kids naturally excel at conversation. If your child has this "superpower," help them use it for good. Encourage them to be inclusive, kind, and use their skills to uplift others. Help them to harness their talents to understand, not manipulate, and to use their skills to make positive change (and hopefully not to start a cult).
And finally, the most important thing is to create a safe and supportive environment where your child feels comfortable practicing their conversation skills. Be patient, be encouraging, and most importantly, have fun! By fostering these skills early on, you'll be setting your child up for a lifetime of successful communication and connection.
“If relationships are these incredibly protective forces in raising thriving, resilient kids, it is really helpful for parents to learn skills.”
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