Is Your Ego Getting in the Way of Connection with Your Children?
Understanding our own ego patterns
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At the core of child development research is the idea that the parent-child connection (also known as the attachment relationship) is a central part of how children grow and develop. Not only does it provide the warmth and nurturance children need to feel safe and focus on growing, but it also acts as a buffer for the adversity that our children experience in the world. Not a barrier, but a buffer. Through the protection of a strong relationship (reminder: this relationship includes appropriate boundaries and limits), children can face struggle, challenge and pain, and grow resilient. The good news? This connection grows overtime - in days, months, years and lots, and lots of missteps. This week, I spoke with renowned clinical psychologist and bestselling author, Dr. Shefali Tsabary about conscious parenting. Dr. Shefali talks about two of the barriers to creating a true connection to your child - the parental ego, and the lies we’ve been told about who a parent is supposed to be.
The 5 Predominant Ego Cycles:
As we discuss in the episode, our own patterns of behavior can dictate how we respond to our children. First and foremost, we need to identify and address those reactions so that we can be attuned to, and authentically connected to, our children.
Type 1 = A fighter parent
Type 2 = A fixer parent
Type 3 = A feigner parent
Type 4 = A freezer parent
Type 5 = A fleer parent
As Dr. Shefali explains, each ego type has an underpinning emotion that drives our response. For the fighter, it’s anger. For the fixer, anxiety. For the feigner, its attention seeking. For the freezer, avoidance, and for the fleer it’s abandonment. When we know this, see this pattern, and deal with its origin in our own childhood, we can better see how it impacts our children.
“Part of coaching oneself and reparenting oneself is to understand where these patterns came from and how toxic they were in your childhood. And once you have compassion for how you were parented, it's quite likely that you have compassion for how your kid is being parented. First we have to observe what is coming out of our mouth, our behaviors. Then we have to go deeper inside to heal.“ - Dr. Shefali Tsabary
Taking time for this reflection (this “Reflection” is one of the five principles in my book The Five Principles of Parenting) allows us all the chance to see ourselves in a new light, and to grow and repair at any age. We can all ask ourselves which type we lean toward, what we feel in the moment when our child provokes a reaction and how we tend to respond to stress. There are certainly parts of these types in all of us, but perhaps you can recognize yourself predominantly in one bucket. Are you quick to yell? To run away? To jump in and try to solve problems? These outward expressions are just one way we can begin to peel back the layers of our own emotional baggage, and remove ourselves from our child’s experience. Because when we are overpowered by our egos, we cannot truly see or respond to the child in front of us, and miss out on true connection.
“A conscious parent is really one who understands their own issues and heals their own emotional baggage so that they do not put it on their children.” - Dr. Shefali Tsabury
For the second barrier, we discussed another subject I tend to get pretty chatty about - the false idea that parents need to be perfect, need to control their children, or are entirely responsible for their child’s success or failure. Our society, culture, and current lifestyle has done so much damage confusing us about our role. Often, we act in a way that we think a “good parent” is supposed to act, instead of a true or authentic one. We feel judged, compared, and solely responsible for our children’s behaviors - and we treat each moment as precious. This type of thinking can interfere with our instincts as parents, with our ability to see situations accurately, and with our decision making. It can cause us to respond when we shouldn’t, doubt when we do, and be overly enmeshed in our children’s lives.
“We have to try not to confuse closeness and enmeshment. So often we feel so good about enmeshment because it makes us feel needed, but it isn’t our goal.” - Dr. Aliza Pressman
When we can focus on our children’s needs - allowing them to grow their own skills now and in the future, we can truly facilitate a meaningful connection. This is a long term goal, not focused on perfection, or something that we’ve already messed up. This is an awareness we can bring to any and every day, and gain hope from.
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